look better

A year and a half after the first entry:

I got a haircut at the beginning of the year. Very short with bangs, and dyed it a medium brown instead of my usual red. I enjoy that it’s never in my face anymore, and I really liked how different I looked at first, but now I’m worried I look older than I am with this cut. Not sure yet if I want to grow it out or keep on with it.

I think I might look old with this haircut because I currently am carrying at least 20 extra pounds. It makes my face look fatter and a short cut is not flattering to it.

Because I’m carrying that 20 extra pounds that I don’t want, I’ve been calorie-counting on FitDay. I started with a week of under 1200 calories and am now trying to stick to under 1500 calories, give or take. It’s not too hard to do for me because I’ve been keeping busy and I don’t snack when I’m not bored, but I did have a couple days I “fell off the wagon” and I regained a little almost immediately. So I know I don’t have wiggle room – I have to stay disciplined.

Two-prong attack: I need to get rid of clothes that don’t fit or look good anymore, and I need to allow myself to buy more that do (fit and look good). I seem to be holding out for the weight loss to do this, though.

Forcing myself to get dressed every day. Seems to be working. Starting to be more comfortable with being dressed at home and it’s overriding the usual impulse to immediately crawl into pajamas whenever I’m in the house.

It sounds lame but I couldn’t think of a better way to say it. I feel unattractive most of the time (not that I haven’t always – hello low self-esteem!) and I’m fed up with it. I know it’s bothering me now because: 1) I’m pregnant and I feel huge and dumpy; and 2) I’m finally starting to feel like I’m aging. Pregnancy hit me hard. I got my first gray hairs and my figure changed a lot. Even after I lost the baby weight from my first child I still couldn’t fit into my old clothes.

I don’t want to make myself over, and I’m not the girly type anyway – I really can’t be bothered with fussing over my clothes and my makeup and what have you; it just irritates me. But I would like to dress better, to have nice hair, to feel like my body is fit, and to feel more alive. I feel so drab and washed-out and pudgy, and it’s just driving me nuts.

I can start working on this by going over my wardrobe and giving up on things that don’t and won’t fit me anymore; buying some nicer, more grown-up clothes; keeping my hair trimmed instead of letting it grow out shaggy (I can’t wait ‘til I can color it again – only three more months!); finding a yoga or some other exercise class to join; and probably the most important, getting really dressed everyday instead of staying in comfy house clothes because I’m not going anywhere and no one’s going to see me.