learn to trust

During my nights of just me-time, I’ve spent a good bit of time thinking about this and how I should learn to trust people. Well, I do trust some people, and now I know why – they’ve earned it. I don’t need to learn to jump on the trusting bandwagon. I’ve always started to trust people at the point when I felt sure it was a good idea. Why try to force myself into a habit like trusting folks right off the bat? Doesn’t make much sense to me now that I think about it.

I’m not so sure I can trust him, but I’m willing to give it a shot. It’s almost 24 hours later, and I’m still in a daze.

Here’s hoping Round 2 doesn’t drive me insane.

Today I’ve been busy as hell, but I’ve managed to get a lot of thinking done. Being busy usually does that for me for some reason. Some people get too busy to think. Melissa has to be busy in order to think. It’s one of my quirks.

Anyway…

I was thinking that the first person I’ve got to learn to trust is me, my feelings and my instincts. I knew something wasn’t right, something wasn’t making me feel like a better person, and I did something about it. That’s seriously one of the first grown-up, self-trusting moves I’ve ever made. And it feels good.

I don’t understand myself at all. When I’m with New Guy, I know he loves me. When I wake up in the morning, I feel OK about everything. On the nights that I fall asleep next to him, I can’t wait til we wake up and plan our day together. And then…then there are the times that I am absolutely positively sure that he’s pulling some kind of subterfuge and everyone is either laughing at me or pitying me for falling for his trick. What the hell?

I’m sure this has a lot to do with a lack of self-confidence. I just can’t believe that he would feel this way about ME, so I end up feeling like it’s obvious he doesn’t and I’m just an idiot. It’s ridiculous.

My mind won’t allow me to completely trust anyone. I’m always sure that everything good is just going to collapse, so I can’t trust the person that makes me feel weak in the knees.

I want to trust him completely. I want to be able to say to myself, “He says he loves me, and I believe him. He’s not going to hurt me.” But doing that, being so sure of things, scares the hell out of me. I am terrified of trusting someone, and then finding out I was wrong all along.

_{I know this doesn’t make any sense, but…well…that’s never stopped me before.}

I can trust him anywhere, right?

Anybody want to bet on how long it takes me to have another freak out? :)

On a smoke break just a second ago, my coworker (whom I really trust) asked New Guy’s name. I told her. She was like, “Are you fucking serious?” She knew him like 10 years ago. He dated one of her friends. Here were the keywords: “full of shit” “arrogant” and my favorite “be careful”.

I am having a stroke.

There are very few people in this world I trust completely. My mom, my brothers, my two best girlfriends and…yeah, that’s about it.

Last night my insecurity reared its ugly head like never before. I’ve never been the jealous girlfriend. Never. I just don’t do that. I am not that type of person.

At least, I thought I wasn’t that type of person.

Picture this: A group of people. One new chick who keeps chatting up MY BOYFRIEND. Boyfriend doesn’t pay attention to new girl. New girl touches MY BOYFRIEND’S FACE. Boyfriend moves next to me.

End of story, right?

Yeah, except for the fact that I was so mad and so screwed up yesterday that I was about to pass out. I was literally so mad I could have killed someone. Anyone.

He hasn’t given me any reason whatsoever not to trust him. I do trust him. I just don’t trust everyone else.

Of course, if I really DID trust him, I wouldn’t worry about everyone else, right?