Get over him

A few days ago he called me. I had just begun to actually come to terms without him being in my life and without him being in my future. I’ve cried so much in the last 4 weeks, and I really didn’t think it was possible to hurt so much or cry so continually. He told me he wanted us back. When he actually said it I remember thinking that I must of misheard him. He didn’t lead up to it in anyway, he just said, “I miss you, d’you wanna get back together?” When he repeated what he’d said I was just amazed. I’d obviously given this man too much power over me. I explained to him what the last few weeks have been like for me. To go from how close we were to being so cruely rejected in the way I was was one of the most painful things I’ve experienced, and I don’t want to allow someone access so that they potentially have the power to do that to me again. He, for the first time in nearly a month, listened to me. He told me he was sorry and that he felt he’d had a mini breakdown.

So…I’m back with my boyfriend. The man I’ve been in love with for four years. I didn’t achieve one of my 43 things, but it was asking the impossible anyway. I love him. I’m in love with him. This log writing has been very theraputic for me and I’d like to thank everybody that has helped, advised and supported me during my trauma. Honestly, in my dark moments your words have given me amazing encouragment.

Thank you ..

I’m still here, missing him, wanting him.

Its doesn’t matter to me who wants to date me, I want him, I need him. I spoke to him today and I gave him am escape; I asked him to swear that he doesn’t wanna ever be with me, he couldn’t.

He was mad I was doing my own thing, I maintained I was, though. I told him he was the one ‘doing this’. I asked him if he was still in love with me (I know, pathetic) and he said he didn’t know. I heard the love in his voice, if that makes any sense. He asked me to call him in half an hour, andI will.

The sad thing is, he has all of me. I can’t get over him while he’s my baby..the one I would do anything for. Our song’s playing right now: The Calling, Wherever you Will Go.

Memo to self: please remember what he’s put you through.

Now I look sad and desperate..

Memo to me: when something seems as though it’s not a good idea, it usually isn’t.

I’m calling him. I’ll justify it later.

I went out..got drunk. I thought me going out would make it easier, it didn’t. I’m drunk, so I’m missing him even more than I did earlier. I won’t call him though. He didn’t call my son, the son that he claimed as his all the time we were together, back. Fuck him. Fuck him and all his promises. We can do without him.

On a positive, I got asked for my number 5 times tonight. I can’t be as hideous as I imagine I am. I’m not ready to give it out just yet. Amd, I miss him still, more than life.

I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. I want life the way it was. I miss him.

Its almost been that long. It feels like a lifetime, though. I have spoken to him a couple of times, though I haven’t seen him. I think he’s avoiding me as much as I am him. I don’t know what I’d do if I bumped into him, it all ended so suddenly for me, I think I’d completely lose it.

I called him yesterday, my little boy misses him. I had to call him on 3 separate occasions before he picked up, another sign (if I needed any more) that told me he doesn’t want a thing to do with me. I explained to him what was wrong and his reply was, “I’m not getting back with you,” I got mad at that point and told him that wasn’t my motive, I just wanted him to explain to my son what had happened. My son was really close to him and he has been upset over everything. I have tried to explain to him what’s happened, and I’ve told him that although we’re not an item anymore it doesn’t mean that Ex doesn’t love my son just as much as he always did. Ex told me to get my son to call him when he woke up (he was asleep by the time he answered the phone to me) and he would explain to him how things ‘stood’. The arrogance of how he has been baffles me. Has he always been this way? Is it something I didn’t see, or is this just how he’s dealing with the situation? I feel as if he wants to forget I ever existed. I decided not to relay the message to my son, if Ex can’t be more sympathetic to a 10 year old boy that he used to parent, then he doesn’t deserve my son’s tears.

I’ve been feeling a lot more positive in the last few days, I feel as though I can do life without him. I’ve begun to think about the things that annoyed me about him, things that used to irk me..the way he wouldn’t pay me back money he borrowed, his selfishness, his controlling behaviour, the way things hadn’t been quite right for a couple of years in a way I still can’t put my finger on. I even am less concerned that he left me for someone else, if he did, he did.

Do I want him back? Oh yup. I’d have him back in a heartbeat, but I haven’t cried in a few days, I heard a song that he dedicated to me, on the radio yesterday and I didn’t crumble into a pathetic teary mess. I just switched the station and carried on with what I was doing. I think that’s progress. I hope it is. I hope I’m not burying the pain somewhere, putting it in a place where it can jump on and bite me when I least expect it.

He desrves to be placed in a box and locked away. He promised me the world and told me he loved me ‘to death’, he said he wanted nothing more than marry me and for us to be a family, he wanted us to have a child together and he said he couldn’t live without me. Then he left. He deserves to be where I’m trying to put him.

I might try and go out tonight. I wonder if I’ll make it that far.

Its now been a week and I think I feel a little better. I haven’t died without him, I’ve managed to do my job, do home stuff, pay bills, everything that I used to do before. I just feel empty without him and I do want him back. I want him back so much. I do have times where I think I’ll be okay without him and I cling to those, but they’re few and far between.

I called him just now. I was feeling low an I wanted to hear hos voice. He says he knows I’m trying to get back with him and it won’t work. I’ve been acting like I’m okay with this split, so I denied it. He obviously knows, though.

I wish he was here. We’d cuddle up on weekend nights and talk for hours, about everything and nothing. I miss him.

I had a busy day at work, so I didn’t think of him as much as I thought I would. Everytime I do my stomach turns and I still have that pain in my chest. Is it really in my heart? I wonder if hearts really can be broken, mine aches and it’s an awful feeling. I thought, no I was convinced that he would have called me today. I rushed home to check my messages, but nothing. Does he really not think about me at all? How can all this be so easy for him? I have this huge urge to call him. I haven’t spoken to him since the day before yesterday, but I know hearing his voice will upset me more than I already am. I just feel so lonely without him. It doesn’t matter how many people are in the room, the only one I want to be there isn’t and I miss him more than I thought I could possibly miss anyone, ever.

I want him to see what life is like without me. I hope and pray that he realises it’s shit and wants me back. What an stupid thing to think. He told me the last time we spoke that he doesn’t want to be with me, for the millionth time. I was angry with him and said some things I now regret. I want to call him and tell him I’m sorry but what good would that do? He wanted this over, so now it is.

Thankfully I slept okay last night, I didn’t think I would. I dreamed of him, though. He told me he’d met someone else but that he’d made a huge mistake and I was the only one he wanted. He still says there’s no-one else, but that’s the only reason I can see that he’d leave me. This time last week I thought we were in a good place, I felt loved and secure, and now this.

I’m stil intent on getting over him, and I won’t call. I won’t call, I won’t call, I won’t call. This is now my mantra.

I kept waking up last night thinking about him, I think I managed 4 hours sleep. It’s been 28 hours since he left me and I feel so alone. It wasn’t so bad at work, I didnt think about him for a few hours and then I was walking along a corridor and I remembered, I just suddenly remembered. I stopped in my tracks and my eyess welled up with tears. I’m such an idiot, I know he’s not thinking about me.

I’m intent on getting over him. I will do it. Eventually.

I called him. I had some bad news today and I wanted to share it for him. He said all the right things, as I knew he would. I took a chance and told him that I agreed with him..that I thought it best if we went our separate ways, that I wanted to be friends with him. (All a huge lie) He just said that I’d find someone else in time, and that he’d call me some time. I left it at that, he knows where I am. I’m resigned to the fact it’s over and I’ll just have to deal with it in whatever way I can.

Today was okay, I kept busy and tried to keep him out of my thoughts. It was almost impossible. I think nightimes will be the worst and I’m worried that I’ll get the I can’t sleeps thinking about him and this. This will get better, I’m sure of it. I just wish it was better now.