Fall in love

...I couldn’t I mean I tried but now I think it’s hopeless, love is such a strange notion to me. I fall for people because I have nothing better to do, but I will never fall in love with someone completely because I am unable to let my fears dissapear or ignore the voices in my head that tell me the truth in the face of a dream world. Sort of like having a little voice in the back of my head telling me the truth when really I should be enjoying the moments that are taking place right then and there.

...I think. Ok so I don’t want to tottally write this off saying that I have because honestly I’m not sure. At least not yet.
I have a boyfriend we’ve been together for about a month and a half and it’s awesome. I don’t love him now, I think I could fall in love with him but I don’t know for sure.

I love spending time with him, and I know he loves me. He’s not the type of guy to throw the word around, but he has told me he does.

Maybe I wil fall in love, but how will I know I’m in love and think of it as love when I’ve never felt love. How can I say the words when right now all I can think is I like him a lot.

I’m really confused but I do care for him and I love spending time with him but I don’t think that counts as love. Does it?

Well I’m kinda seeing someone, I don’t know what seeing someone really is, we went out a couple of weeks ago, good thing I lost track of it. And we talk everyday, he’s coming with me to prom he’s not taking me because I asked him and it’s my prom, he’s 22 and we get along well. I really don’t know where this is going and for the first time I don’t really care I’m really going with the flow. I’m not sure maybe I’m not that into him. Since everytime I’ve liked someone it was just like imediately liking them, this time it’s like we’re getting to know eachother I think it’s a good thing.

What is the definition of seeing someone?

ok so maybe there is no definition but what are something that characterize seeing someone and dating someone?

Since I’m new at this.

...about this in about 2 weeks the whole falling in love thing. Which is a very good thing since well it used to haunt me all the time.

I have a friend. Don’t know if we’re friends or not but we’ve known eachother since grade 6 I would consider her my oldest friend. She’s in my spot where I used to be saying that I’m ugly and fat and no guy will ever date me.

We haven’t talked in so long. But it’s sad how she sounds like me. And I’m gonna sound like her. How do I make her believe there is hope when I don’t think there is hope?

....again.

After a long period of time I think I’m ready for it. Ok who am I kidding, no one is ever ready for it. But I’m more open to it. After a string of crushes, fooling around with guys I knew a relationship couldn’t follow.

I’m ready. I’m ready to sit down and think about it and open my eyes and in this case my heart to new posibilities.

Could it really happen?

oh ya and this time I’m not planning on falling for someone and them not fall for me so not good, last time it sucked. I still think about HD and it kinda hurts cause we talked and he said he was an idiot cause i’m great, but his gf is pregnant and he proposed to her so that is that.

....but maybe I do, It’s just that I’m so disapointed about everything it’s not even funny, cause whenever I try to open myself up to someone I get shut down and it hurts so much.

HD is back but he has proposed to his gf now his fiance, I started having feelings for someone else but he is about 600 km from me,and he tells me he cares about me and he likes me but a week later he has a gf and he stops talking to me, like at all.

So now I’m all alone again it’s nothing new but everytime I think about it, it hurts.

....I am getting there. I’ve met this guy and he’s so amazing. Ok maybe not met but we live about 500km away from eachother and I’ve never found somsone that I click with so well.

He’s giving me back hope, I think the hope I lost with HD (whom I don’t talk to anymore) and I’m so scared because I don’t wanna get hurt. We both think things would work out but he’s so amazing I stop and think maybe I’m not good enough for him. I know the past is creeping into the present and it hurts but all I can do it try it I know.

We talk for hours and when it comes to saying goodbye it takes us at least 1/2 hour to do so. We talk about everything except sex and it’s so refreshing. I know I’m falling for him and he told me he’s falling for me (before I told him that I was falling too).

I don’t wanna ruin it because I’m afraid but we are taking it slow there is a posibility he’s coming to see me on Nov.24 and I can’t wait it’s the reason I smile when it’s morning because I can say if I get through today I will be another day closer.

For about a week I forgot to write on here. He was a great guy he was 24 and all the good stuff but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t feel the things I needed to feel to be with him.

It sucks I know a lot. Besides him and HD were really good friends almost brothers and now they dont’ talk anymore so I guess that is what bothered me too a lot.

I saw him today a week after we broke up and it was weird he was my first bf, but I was questioning the reasons he was with me so I broke it off.

I realized I don’t want a bf but I wanna have fun. It seems like all of a sudden guys wanna talk to me and get to know me. One thing W gave to me was the confidence to move on and walk down the street with my head up high and talk to guys and wave at them.

W made me realize I’m not such a bad person and I thank him so much even thought my best friend hated me for breaking up with him because I’ve always wanted a bf and now I get one and I break up with him. It’s like so wat he made me realize that I’m not long term gf material and I think he wanted that.

I didn’t want to hurt him later, so I did it now. I think it was for the best.

Right now I can’t sleep I’m talking to people school starts tomorow and I don’t wanna go I used to but not now. Maybe we get some new students and I make new friends.

I’m smiling more and here is proof, I have pics with smiles on my face.

...I’ve realized I’ve wanted to get over him and this is what it took. And today I spent it thinking about other thinggs I should be doing.

A guy i’ve been talking to is coming to visit me soon and he’s so nice. we’re just friends and it’s cool. i wana live life and i think now i can that he’s out of my life he can’t pull me back anymore becuase i can never forgive him.

BTW I’m talking about HD.

Gonna see what’s gonna happen. I know it looks like i dind’t love him in the first place i still care for him but i have a reason to hate him.

It’s gonna work out. and even though i love him still i think i can fall in love again. I got hurt but i let myself get hurt. I wrote him some letters i burnt them today, it made me realize that when those ashes were flying so was the hold he had on me. And I can breath.

But really how could he misread my intentions i never got in the middle of him and his gf i never tried to. yes i had feelings for him but i never acted on them.

...crying. OMG how can this happen I thought everything was going so well, I was working on getting over him, and now i’m so hurt because of what he did.

HD got his sister to tell me that he wants me to stop bothering him… and that he wants to raise a family with his g/f. I never went in the middle i never tried. What hurts the most is that he didn’t tell me himself. And now if I see him I’m gonna punch him, because I think I deserve that much.

How could he? I mean this is like his whole family knows my business well there is none left. I’m saying goodbye to him. And I’m getting over him by burying him in my memories.

I don’t hate him I’m stupid, becuase I fell for him and I was hoping he liked me too. and for a while it seemed like he did but i was so wrong. I don’t care anymore. I’m so hurt I don’t know how to deal with everything. I’m just so all over the place.

He didn’t care about me and now I know for sure he didn’t, because he would of told me himself. Today it’s 4 months and 2 days and it hurts.

I’m done.