explore my sexuality

Recently, I begun an affair with a married man. Please read my “How I Did It” entry if you haven’t already before reading the rest of this post so it’ll make sense! :-)

Because my sexual morals are different than a significant portion of the populations, I had no qualms about making love with a man who is married to another woman. I had her permission and I respect her immensely. I play by her rules and her husband and I make lots of effort to ensure her comfort. (He also respects my requests; i.e., I asked him not to divulge certain things about our encounters to his wife.)

I went to the city in which he lives, checked into a seedy motel, went out for drinks with a friend and then texted him the address and room number. He came over late at night and we made love; he is eight years my senior and told me that it was the first time he had met up with someone for “steamy motel sex.” This pleased me immensely. It was a great fantasy lived out for both of us. I am happy that I crossed a boundary that most people would be uncomfortable crossing. Already I have grown from this experience and I hope that the affair continues so that I may enjoy even more personal growth and maybe even inspire some :-)

Have you ever been around a child who “hides” in pain sight and rationalizes that because he cannot see you, you must not be able to see him?

This is how I feel about eye contact during sex.

I am an eye closer during sex, and I want to change that. Eye contact is confrontational anyway; it indicates a deep connection, be it dominance, affection, professionalism, etc. I have just found it so difficult to look into the eyes of my lover, because it is the most intimate thing I can imagine and I fear that.

Last night I made love with a man who is dominant (although, FYI, not in a BDSM manner) sexually, and while I was atop him (something that is difficult for me emotionally in its own right) he demanded that I look at him. I panicked for a second. He’s going to judge me. He’s going to laugh. He’s going to not be enjoying himself. He’s going to be looking at the flaws in my body. But I love doing what I’m told, and this was enough to override my panic.

I opened my eyes.

And when I did, he wasn’t looking at me cockeyed judging my body and the faces that I make and thinking that my hair was an absolute mess because of the sex. He was looking into my eyes and grinning. Grinning like a fool. He was having a great time, he was having a great time with me and there wasn’t anybody else in his mind. He wanted to connect with me, and I’m so glad I did.

I plan to tell him this is something I want to do more of, and that I would appreciate more direction to open my eyes because I probably won’t think to do it on my own at this point. I know he will oblige me, because he is an extremely considerate, patient and skilled lover.

I’m working on this one; I think I am going to be able to coax P. to come down with N. and Emily the last Friday in March in celebration of her excellent tenure as editor-in-chief of Gravity Hill. The last time we had sex, we used a Durex Extra Sensitive and something else…I really didn’t care…anyway, maybe this time we’ll be able to take more time and enjoy the condoms.

(Enjoy the condoms? WTF? I hate condoms. But you know what else I hate? HIV and babies. And you know what I love? Sex. So there ya go.)

Today, I purchased 24 condoms online. (YEP, you can do that now. Huge selection, customer reviews, and no old lady behind the check-out eying you and calling you a harlot!) I bought 12 Pleasure Plus by ONE, and 12 Crown Skinless Skin Condoms. The latter has been voted Best Condom of the Year for seven straight years on condom depot and the former has gotten truly stellar customer reviews.