never fear or ignore my sexuality

i am out of control
my body is both on fire
and in a state of liquid flux

i am water
fire
air
and earth

i am not afraid of it
i am not afraid to use it
i LOVE it

even by myself
i feel like stars must feel
living and dying just to burn…

that i’m single…

i can make it truly my own, not geared to impress another person, necessarily…but just to BE

i do not have to fall into any patterns or ignore how my body and mind respond to other people now that i am under no obligation to anyone but myself

this has already paid off in ways i couldn’t even imagine

i am a BAD pagan…beltane blew by me this year…however, i did manage to invoke the goddess when i had mindblowing sex on that same night :)

a good friend of mine is coming into her sexuality for the first time in her life, and being that we are dandy fops who love being indecent, all we’ve been talking about lately is bootyliciousness

her enthusiasm for making love has seriously inspired me recently and given me an incredible load of needed confidence when it comes to the actual physical act

yay, spring!

without going into too much detail, the other night i was verbally and physically assaulted sexually by several of my coworkers in a night of drunkenness…

it’s still hard for me to come to terms with this…it’s hard when you say “no” and no one gives a fuck, or thinks you’re actually being coy…

when you hit someone off of you and they say “yeah i LIKE it when you hit me! do it again!”

when you really like someone as a colleague and a friend and they end up brazenly and unapologetically crossing all of your physical and emotional bounderies…

the situation has been addressed with the owner of the building i work in and all the appropriate people are aware of the situation…

but godamn, i’ve never had to deal with something like that before…i’ve never had to have my body violated by probing hands, i’ve never had to deal with unwanted advances from that many people that i KNOW and thought i could trust…

my body is MY temple…not anyone else’s…i have to remember this…so if this ever happens again, i can deal with it more effectively…

that no matter how much i love and need (yes need) sex, i always worry that i’m too this, not enough of that

last night i got paranoid that i was TOO loud, that i was clumsy, and uninteresting…

wherefore? maybe i needed one more glass of wine…

i AM going to get that excruciatingly cute bar tendress to dance on the bar table with me…

for the eyes that is!

i call on all 43thingers to post one picture (at least one) that you find yourself just dastardly sexy in!

i’ll be a narcississtic doofwad and start!

and today i accomplished this goal by buying some uh…interesting sex toys that at one point i would have been too “embarassed” (ha…bare assed…get it??) or grossed out to buy or use

not to go into details, but i cannot WAIT to play with these things :-D

also here’s a hot picture for you all

it amazes me that something as wonderous as sex is so amazingly isolated from the rest of human makeup (at least in my culture)

for one thing, it’s the most miraculous part of our being…it is what creates LIFE. such a gift. such an outrageous thing we can do!

sex moves us. it creates us, it destroys us. it is the Weaver of the fabric that holds us together. it is beautiful and powerful and yet in this culture it is oftentimes forceably separated from the rest of us.

i want to get to the point where my sexuality and the rest of me are one. they are anyways, but sometimes i forget this and by not remembering this very simple fact become very disillusioned with sex in general.

this is not to say that i think everyone should announce what they do in the bedroom out loud to everyone…that might be kind of cool at first, but eventually it would get boring. a certain amount of mystique makes sex even more enticing. but rather than make it a taboo, how about we accept it, laugh about it, and live it? live it fully.

for the past year or so, this has been a huge issue for me…i was born with a sex drive that is…um…ridiculous. however for the past year, my libido suddenly fizzled out. not with a bang but with a whimper. i’m certain at this point after experimenting a bit this is due to my birth control. apparently 10% of women on BC experience loss of libido because certain ingrediants in the BC reduce testosterone levels.

now that i have insurance (WOO!!) i want to ask my doctor about trying the BC patch which isn’t as brutal on whatever it is that controls your sex drive…i don’t feel like a whole person with no libido..it’s unnatural and awful…i can’t wait to see if i can get this fixed within the next month