Briefly commemorate 43 People who have made an impact on me

::sigh::

ok.
so we’ve had the “why we never slept together” talk
we’ve had the “LIFE” talk
you’ve held my face in your hands to tell me what i meant to you, years ago talk

with you: rope swing
with you: red wine, gary jules, pot smoke and ecstasy
with you: total openness.

dude, i’m just gonna say it:

i love you.
always have.

always will.

i’ll see your name in lights one day.

I’ve only known you for, what? A week?

And already, I can tell from your eyes, I can tell from my trembling hands, you are changing me, evolving me, coming close to me in a way I haven’t let anyone in almost a year.

In just a week:
magic genies
water park
making out
new music
planning, planning, planning

and

“you inspire me.”

and

“i’m…really happy i met you.”

and you’re beautiful
and i’m a little scared
but not enough to run away

i can’t wait to see you again

Do you know that I STILL dream about you?
And that in those dreams we always dance around the idea of tearing into each other again?
I destroyed your heart at one point
What I did drove you to near alcoholism

It wasn’t all my fault. I have to remind myself of that. I gave you many opportunities to prevent me from doing what, in later years i realize HAD to be done…it was written in cosmic calligraphy…the stars still sing echoes of it over my head

you were one of the most beautiful people i have ever known!
you showed me the desert and freedom and mushrooms and sex and music and art and how to make beautiful things from driftwood

you showed me Waking Life and how to make key lime pie
and then…you lost me.
because of spain and a sword. and you sent me into the arms of a magician.

i’m sorry i caused you such pain
but look where you are now! in the arms of a beautiful new love, in one of the most beautiful places on earth.

in the end there are no regrets. only colors woven in fabric.
thank you for everything you gave me.

to think…
i was your first lay
and love

happened together, you see

college
ha!

you wore all black
all
the
time

you were a song writer in the fashion of mike doughty and thom yorke…you even LOOKED like thom yorke, you weirdo!

i nursed you through a vomiting episode that…i guess defined you
unable to deal with joy, happiness, luxury, looniness
without some taint of sickness
i rode with you to the hospital
waited all night
slept in your bed
and when you came back, you never said thank you
you NEVER said thank you

but i loved you with an intensity that i was just understanding…i have loved many since you…and with a much deeper passion…but you were my outlet for despair and cynicism that i learned once i was away from my spectacular safe bubble in california…head and heart first into the dead winters of massachusetts…writing epithets and fuck yous in the snow during one of our countless treks into the night

how many dawns did we watch, my former love?
dark knight,
bullshit artist

i don’t miss you
but i’m not sad i loved you

E for…
Eccentric
Extra Sexual
Euphoric
Electric
Energy
Evil

you redheaded spitfire….
you quintessential demoness
your cat tried to claw out my fucking eyes!!
you tried to cast spell after spell to insulate you in your own desires for sex, conquest and leadership
and yet…

your smell
your eyes
your ineffable charm

who could EVER forget you, fire spinner?
did you think we ever would?

dragons
fae

the marriage could never be sanctified

every time i think of you, the universe takes note

be well
but i doubt our friendship will ever be reforged
not even dragon fire can melt those shackles

you came into my life at a time where i desperately needed you:

-put together
-full of life
-full of laughter
-full of sensuality

we were always an odd pairing: a hippie and a jock, a spiritualist and a realist, an aspiring yogini and a cutthroat soccer, hockey and football player

nothing went wrong per se
we didn’t fail
i had to tell you that

for what it was worth, it was fantastic…i saw wyoming with you, i danced at more than one wedding with you…you gave me that eye gaze and i blushed and giggled away from it

you were 10 years my senior…i didn’t notice it until the very end

there are some patterns that one can never break
some demons we just refuse to face

i will miss you…

you were in love with me for six years
and i said no to many of those kinds of advances

we’ve still managed to make out, see each other naked, and talk to the Divine together without it disrupting this incredible friendship i’ve managed to forge with you over the past 7 years now

no one understands me like you…no one

you out of everyone else understand why i react to music the way i do, why i think certain things are funny and why i feel…so…much…

we are scorpios…we are soul twins in a lot of ways
we are finally coming back together after almost a year of separation

viva la resurrection!!

you are the twin brother i never had.

Wonder if you’ll ever read this…

It’s funny to see some of me in you…to see how Mom and Dad made us both into these odd flowers, that struggle to bloom, in spite of self-doubt and guilt

we KNOW we have it
we KNOW we’re magic, and mom’s magic and that life is sweet and sexy and that everything is important

and despite all this serious contemplation, no one can tell a fart joke like you…

no one else makes me laugh so hard that boogers come out of my nose

i will always worship you for that :)

booger love…

godamn you

i know for a fact that if we reunited after all these years i would STILL be in love with you
i would still want to take your hand and skip off to bora bora to drink mai tais, play with sea turtles and manta rays and tickle the everloving shit out of you

you even kissed me, you heartless schvanz

on PROM!!!

where are you now, vagabond?
hotel managing away?
travelling to switzerland, to the ukraine, to bora bora
without me?

i read a poem you had submitted to our lit mag when we were seniors in high school
it was called “my big swollen Nietzsche”

why the fuck didn’t you just marry me?

it’s funny i should write about you here
it’s funny we met online and we felt like we’d known each other forever…like we’d picked up from a conversation we left off eons ago

a cancerian you are and how
you have the moon’s eyes and temperment

only in pictures i’ve seen of you since, you’ve lost some of the moon’s fullness…how tiny you’ve become

we were lovers and giggle sisters

you were waxing when i first met you
and then just before i left, you turned new
you turned cold

and you laughed at me

and i left frustrated and confused
and remembered why i stayed away from too many serious relationships with women

you still intrigue me
your writing still encourages me

you are still the moon
and i still rely on lunar memories to remind me of who i am