be comfortable with myself

This goal is hard, mostly because it is ongoing. Just when you got something figured out, something else calls out to you that needs your attention. If this was easy well then we wouldn’t need to change. On Wednesday I am going out on a date, it has been almost a year since I went out on a date. I feel that I have grown in many areas of my life and some are easier to work on then others. Dating and Love are hard for me, I have a really broad definition of love and I am afraid of being vunerable. I have set this up in such a way that it is hard for me to win, I truly believe I have to do some soul searching and really ask myself what love means to me and why I am so afraid. This guy I am going on a date with, it may turn out being just a date, or he may be with me for some time, I feel that if I start taking these steps then maybe I will get closer to understanding myself.

“When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re sitting there, staring at carpeting?”
- Steven Wright

I just found this funny, I own a parolette and so I find this cute.

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.
Dr. Seuss (1904 – 1991)

“We have to be what we want to see.”
- Mahatma Gandhi

“The size of your success is determined by the size of your belief.”
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca

“Maybe being oneself is always an acquired taste.”
- Patricia Hampl

“Whatever doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger.”
- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

I think one of the biggest reasons why I want to be comfortable with myself is because, I will be comfortable with/without other people. I have been looking within for love for myself and looking at love and what makes two people love eachother. What makes two people come together and care for eachother as if they have known eachother all along and break down the barriers that makes one person a stranger to another. How do you trust someone else? What makes you trust and give to another? Is love a spell? Is it such a strong force that you cannot break away? Do you enter knowing, being aware or do you become a fool first so that you cannot see what you are about to do? I guess what I want to know is, is it really possible to find someone who wants to be with me because they want to? Someone who will take me into their arms and ask me if I would like to stay there forever. I think somewhere in my life path I lost faith in this process. I don’t believe I am worthy of love, I am suspicious of another’s intent. I am afraid to let go because if I let go and I am wrong, I would be left so vunerable and my heart will be exposed and I can’t trust that someone else would be gentel with my heart. Okay, Okay, enough sappy words.

“When the heart overflows, it comes out through the mouth.”
- Ethiopian proverb

On sunday, I took myself out on a date. I went for a long walk, outside the city and then in the city, like how lovers do on beautiful sundays. I bought myself a silver bracelet with a rose quartz, it’s for my heart. I stopped by soma chocolate, where they make the best chocolate and treated myself to chocolate. I admired nature, the best example of what love can do/make/create. I bought small animal figures from a street vendor. I admired the man made structures,buildings and people walking by, a great example of what love can do/make/create.
ultimately, I am in a relationship with myself and my relationships with others are reflections of my own relationship. If I want to have great relationships, filled with love, laughter, trust, that last, I am going have to first have that with myself, it is the first and most important relationship. happy to report that I am in love with this crazy girl named patty.