Overcome my OCD

I’m going through one of those periods of heightened disorderly thoughts and behaviour.

I wish it would just stop. And get the hell out my life.

I hate the way it takes away all my control. Like come on, leave me alone.

I started noticing I was behaving in an ‘abnormal’ way when I was 16, and lo behold it was this OCD bullshit. It wasn’t so bad then, it only affected me in the shower. No dirty thoughts please! That’s to say that I had to do everything twice (which isn’t so bad, considering the number got to seven at one point). It’s gotten worse over the years. Like I said before I have the unwanted, intrusive thoughts. One day my mum was cutting me a slice of cheese, when an ugly thought reared it’s head. I thought to myself “I hope he cuts herself.” What kind of daughter would wish that on her own mother, like I had no reason to think something like that, my mum’s the best mum I know. So you can see how totally intrusive that was. Abnornmal too. Guess what happened? She actually did cut herself. I think that incident has a lot to do with the fact that I just can’t not do my rituals, to kinda make everything right and prevent ugly things happening.

This shit sucks. It’s frustrating, and (no disrespect intended) I don’t even know why such a condition exists. What am I gonna learn from it? I can’t see any way in which this disorder benefits me, in the long or short term. How is it going to help me in life? It’s been embarrassing at times, and it’s even brought me to tears. Not having that control is really painful.

I’m normal though!

Yeah, I have my rituals that I do to ease my anxiety. A lot of things revolve around the number 7, although that’s calmed down a bit. I have this hectic fear disorder in my life. Who doesn’t not want disorder in their life? This fear of mine takes over and makes me do stupid shit, shit I know is stupid, but I just can’t stop myself from doing it. The reason I do it is cos I feel that it will stave off any disorder or bad things.

I often tell myself, usually at the beginning of the month or week, or on the seventh of the month that “today, I’m just gonna be. To hell with this shit”. But within a few hours, I’m back to that kind of thinking.

The most frustrating part is the intrusive and unwanted thoughts that having this thing produces. I can have the most shocking thoughts. The worst of these is that some of them are of a disrespectful nature to God. I believe in God, and he gives me so many blessings that when I have these thoughts, I absolutely have to apologise, and that’s when it gets really bad. I don’t mean what my mind churned up. I mean, it’s obviously and unnecessarily rude and disrespectful, and I have no right or reason to disrespect God. But it was my mind that produced that thought, so I have to apologise for it. So I do my rituals, and I feel better afterwards, but only for a couple minutes, then I’m doing it all over again. Sometimes when I’m apologising, more disrespect comes through my mind which just delays things. I probably spend about 2 hours altogether of my day dealing with this OCD. I think that God deserves the apologies, but I can’t just give a quick apology. I have to give this long-winded apology at least twice, never once. Usually, those two times are never satisfactory in my eyes (something was wrong, like I wasn’t concentrating enough, or I was thinking of something unrelated while apologising, or I looked at the TV while apologising) so I have to apologise two more times, I can’t do it once more cos that means three, and I don’t like the number three cos I hated my third year in university. It’s hella frustrating, and I sometimes I have to bite something, usually my thumb, just to relieve the frustration I have in my whole body. So now I have this mark on my thumb, although it’s gotten better.

I sound crazy, don’t I? Like insane. I’m not tho. No one knows about the intensity of it, except you guys, so it doesn’t tamper with my everyday relations with people.

And that is why I need to overcome my OCD.