forgive my father

He took ten steps forward, but just walked back ten more. Why would a father play favorites? He knows that he does, he admitted that he does it to his nieces. Does he realize that he is doing it with his own children? I’m so fed up with being the invisible child, no matter what I say my opinion is worthless compared to my brother’s. I can do twenty times better than my brother ever did in school (I have), but it doesn’t matter. If my brother is there, it’s all him.

I don’t want my brother to be the invisible one, I wish that my father would love us both equally. All year he says how much he misses me, but when I see him for the two weeks I do each year, I might as well not be there. I just want to feel wanted.

I forgave him. He came out to visit, and for the first time in my life I was really happy to say, “Guys, this is my Dad.”

He’s such a confusing man. He plays favorites with his kids and for the past 3 years I’ve been the ‘other’ kid. I recognize that this will never be perfect and may never even be fixed. It makes me sad that I’m not close to my father but what did I expect? He only lived with me for two years.

He didn’t see my first day of school, we never went to a ‘Daddy and Daughter’ dance, and he won’t see my graduation. Its something I need to accept. I have a wonderful relationship with my mother but I’d like to have two parents, not just one.

I also need to force into my head that I shouldn’t feel guilty about him not seeing me grow up, he could’ve fought to keep me but he didn’t. He gave up and let both of his young kids leave. You’d think that since his dad left him when he was seven he wouldn’t want it to happen to his kids.

Why did he? Why did it take eleven years for him to start missing us?

I’m so happy. I called him today and he said that he loved me. He said it, and even if he doesn’t mean it thats ok. I know he wants to mean it. He also said he was proud of me! He’s never been proud of me..

I feel so happy, I wonder if one day we’ll be pals and I’d be proud to have him walk me down the aisle.

I called him today. It was just the usual stuff. How is school, are you getting good grades.. see you later, maybe you’ll come out to visit?

He hasn’t said he loves me on any of these calls. Even if it was a lie when he said it, it makes me feel that maybe one day things will work out.

I don’t know why he hates me so much. I understand that I’ve made my share of mistakes but I apologized, why does he still feel the need to hurt me?

He lives hours away, in a whole other state but he is still somehow connected to me. I hate that I am related to such a hurtful man, I just want him to love me.

I hate what he’s done to my brother and I feel selfish, he had to go through it for 5 more years than I did and not once did he complain.

Every time I even think about him I feel like steam is coming out of my ears. How could a person say such things and not feel guilt?

I hate him for what he’s done, I don’t think I can forgive him.

this is my top goal, i want nothing more than this.

i know i can’t do it, i don’t think i’ll ever be able to.