fall in love and never fall out

I wish I could do this, but I think even the strongest love can die if the person on the other side is not trying to keep it. I hope I can find love, but until then, I’m just going to be solo and do my own thing. Love will come to me when I least expect it, and I hope it does. So let’s get distracted and hang with friends, and meet guys who can be friends – Because the more you let yourself not think about it and meet people, the more easier it is to put yourself into a network to get more involved with choices for guys.

At least, this is what I’m going to try to do. I’ll be solo, and cruise on through this. I may get lonely, but I hopefully will have friends at my side to make me forget that.

It doesn’t exist. At least, for me, the only place this perfect fantasy exists is within my stories – which are my place of solace to relieve that feeling and get the love I need through seeing it on paper. To me, it’s real. To me, it’s a feeling I want, that I will probably go a while without having until I am deserving enough to have it. At least, in someone else’s eyes.

I have always been deserving, just not to some. No one sees what I am worth, and for a while, I felt like I wasn’t really worth that much. I used to think it’d be like a dream someday. Lounging in a couch, with blankets on you, and holding the person you love. Doing it everyday. Doing things together that make life amazing, like walks on the street, holding hands. Traveling places. It was a dream for me, and always has been.

To “fall” means you will eventually reach bottom. And many people don’t realize that everlasting free fall isn’t real in some cases. You will eventually hit bottom. At least, this is what I’ve learned. And I’ve been on the ground many times, bruised and broken enough to realize, enough.

Okay, so… I chat online on AOL. I’ve done it since I was 13 years old. I’ve had countless e-relationships online. Probably the wrong thing to do. Been hurt, heartbroken, all of it. So…I ended up dating a guy for a year, worked out fine – til we broke up.

Fast-forward six months later. Things happen. I move on, and I’m independent. Getting ready for college. ...I meet a guy online who is into the same things as me, loves writing like I do… What do I do? I really like him… I don’t want to date online again, but … I wish this didn’t happen online; this should have happened in real life. I want that first kiss, I want to fall in love. FOR REAL.

So yeah, I’m in-like with someone. And they like me back. I know it’s wrong, but … I’m cursed by love.

That’s my problem, yep. :)