I can do without the “glamorous lifestyle” I had planned for myself. But not without the character traits I thought I would have. I always thought I would be hardworking and ambitious.. highly motivated and not stop until my goals were met. I always thought I would have my “weight problems” solved and maintaind a healthy lifestyle. I always thought fitness would be a main thing in my life. I always thought I would love openly. I always thought I would be surrounded with friends who I could trust and confide in. I always said that when I was a mom I would put my child first and foremost no matter what! That I wouldn’t make the mistakes my mother made. I always thought I would be on my way to success at my age.
I think I need to reevaluate some of the things I am doing and get myself back on track to being who I want to be. Somethings tells me it will be a long process thought. Maybe by the time I am 30 I will be content with me!
MsAudacious has written 2 entries about this goal
Wow. At 21 I pictured myself writing every day. Maybe working a unique job to make ends meet while my novel was in the works. I knew I would have an amazing style and be very fashionable from head to toe. I pictured some loft in New York being my home. I would go out on the weekends and party like crazy. Didn’t care if Mr Right came along right away. I needed my independence and freedom. I took good care of myself and put me first!
What happened?
I at 21, don’t have time to type this without interruptions. No job, daycare cost too much, the stay at home mom thing is more affordable. Style? What is that again. Guess mom jeans and tees that omg this one actually has a bleach stain on it… make up my wardrobe. My “loft” is a two story half a double. Three bedrooms. And instead of being roomy and open is littered with clutter and junk from end to the next. I spend 90% of my time trying to organize, declutter, reorganize and cleaning something in this giant mess. I have yet to celebrate my 21st in a bar :( It’s so not right. But no babysitter so what can ya do. My baby’s daddy, well I dont think he is Mr RIght. But then again, he is never home. He is working two jobs to afford this stupid lifestyle. Independence became compromising.. umm which is a nicer way of saying gave up everything that made me so I could be more to everyone counting on me for what seems like everything. Good care of myself happens if I scream loud enough for everyone to leave me alone for at least 30 mins so I can get in a workout. But then I get so angry that they dont want me to even have that time that I end up practically crying the whole time and then feeling guilt for actually having the audacity to ask for and take that 30 mins. How dare I? I am somewhere on my list behind jj’s fivec month old needs, Sue’s three year old demands. Big J’s neverending list of critiques, things I need to improve immediately. The houses neverending mess. Amazing that those four things have sucked all the life outta me. How long can you go feeling that you are merely existing?
