be a better girlfriend

Maturity not something of mine that I ever have questioned. I mean I went to college, actually got a job, work steadily, pay my bills and everything independently. I thought I was mature as I would want to be. But I was watching Dr.PHil and he was talking about people in love with love. People who only want the thrill of falling but not the actual act or work of loving. The lady reminded me of myself how she pushes her boyfriend away just to test him and see if he will come back, because she gets a high off of watching him prove himself time and time again. He called her an empty cup ding ding ding. Said that no matter what he does or says it will never be enough.
I’m trying to understand it I haven’t ever thought of it that way and not really sure what i can do to change. Dr. Phil says that there’s love in the mundane and predictable. I guess it would be nice to have someone who’s concerned with the details of my life. It’s nice having someone to look forward to talking to, to do nice things for, to share affection and attention. I understand that. But when things get boring I get scared. Scared that he’s bored, that we will drift apart, or start looking elsewhere for excitment. I really don’t know what to do with the day to day when things get like that to me it’s like the beginning of the end… Even though he’s told me and now shown me that he’s in it for the long run… I really need to come to understanding about this but I don’t know where to start.

I checked the myspace. Yes I did it and i’m so ashamed. I didn’t wanna confess but can’t move forward if I can’t be real. I saw somethings on there that absolutely infurated me. I blew a gasket a did something terrible. Now that part I cannot confess to you but only to God. I’ve asked for forgivness and realize that I’m the majority of the problem. I’m like an empty cup or not even that a cracked cup. because no matter how much he pours into me I’m never filled up. I need constant attention, constant reassurance. I’m always trying to push him away to see if he will come back and every time he does. He Comes right back this time I’m really in the wrong and he’s still trying to fixit. Well its time for me to put away childish things time to stop jumping from guy to guy hoping for different outcomes. But the outcome will never be different if I’m not different. I will keep ending up in the same situation if I do not change. So my change is to choose to stay and fix things and not run away…..

Things between my boyfriend and I have been a little rocky. But I’m glad to say some good has come of it. I have beendoing a lot of praying, meditating, journaling, research trying to get my emotions under control and am making a lot of progress. But the thing I’m really proud of is that I’ve been sharing it with him. I’m a capricorn so being introverted comes naturally. I love to think and analyze but to actually share with someone mt thoughts and feelings and be vulnerable is a big step. A big step. So I’m working on it and we’ll see how it goes…

Oh yeah and I’ve decided to stop checking his myspace. No good can come of it. Like I said everything done in the dark will come to light there’s no need to search.

There must really be lesson for me to learn here in this relationship. Because I just keep going through it. But today my boyfriend said something to me that made all the sense. He said I don’t worry if you’re cheating or not because (unless I see for myself) I’m not going to know if its true or not. That just keeps playing over an over in my mind. It’s so true and from now on that’s the stance I’m gonna take. I’m not going to worry about it anymore because unless I se it I’m going to always be unsure. We said we were going to take our time and work on our relationship and that’s what I’m going to do. If he’s being dishonest, he will reap what he’s sowing. And hopefully I’ll reap the honesty and faithfulness that I’ve sown in all my relationships.

I really just had a breakthrough. I was sitting mad yet again. And I decided to just pray and meditate and for some reason I decided to read my journal from last year. And the craziest thing is that I was at this exact same place with my quasi-boyfriend at this same time last year. I had to ask myself some real questions. And not to be cliche but I realize that alot of my relationship issues stem from my relationship with my father. See, I’ve never felt that I was important or a priority in my father’s life and I have always told myself that I would not, would not, would not, take that off anybody else. So I always gotta come first in my relationships, what I say, what I think, what I want goes.And when I get the feeling that my boyfriend is putting me second to anything I blow up. I throw tantrums anything to draw him in to being upset because that way he is not focusing on anything but me. But one thing about growing up you gotta you gotta realize when you’re wrong. Even if something he does really is wrong my reactions are up to me. Maybe I’m not a priority in my fathers life but I can make you a list of people that I am a priority and I have to forget about the one who doesn’t and concentrate on the one’s who do. First and foremost God, secondly my family, my friends and hey maybe even my boyfriend. So no more tantrums no more blowing up just gotta remember he is not my father and that if I want something different from this relationship I have to do something different. Wish me luck.

Ok so my boyfriend had a fight over something that may seem trivial to some but means the world to me. I won’t rehash all our business on cyberspace. But long story short he and his ex are sharing an object. He says there’s no way around it. They both own the object and they both want it. So it has to be shared right? WRONG!!!! Not in my book. I came into the relationship with trust issues that I in no way his from him. He said it was okay that he understood and he can handle it but more and more I see he can’t because he seems to reinforce situations that make me question his faithfulness. He is not without fault already because there was a time I really had to call him on something. But we moreso I moved passed it only to end up here. At another fork in the road. Do I stay or do I go. I told him I wanted to see other people which really didn’t sit too well with him but right now at this point I’m really like Fuck his feelings. What about mine? It doesn’t seem that at this point my feelings are high on his priority list. So that’s where we’re at right now. I have no idea about how to make this situation better and am really wondering if we’re going to make it through this one.

So I guess one of the things I can do to be a better girlfriend is stop breaking up with him. Up until this point it’s basically been my way or no way. Say what I want him to say the way I would say it. Think like I want him to think. Behave like I want him to behave. And if he doesn’t he can hit the road. I think I’ve broken up with him four times in as many months. And he’s such a sweetheart cuz every time he tries his best to make it work. Even if its my fault. He always bends “whatever it takes” is all he ever says. And I haven’t been appreciative of this at all. I’m not braking up with him over pettynes anymore. I have to start to show him I value having him in my life.

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about 4 months now. And each of those four months I’ve broken up with him. My boyfriend is a good guy. He has his flaws but he treats me better than any guy ever has. He makes me feel beautiful and wanted and taken care of. But when the going gets rough…I get going. This time last year I was dating a guy who treated my like shit…played with emotions, was scared to commit, hardly did anything for me, paid attention to every girl in our path…I mean my relationship with him was really one of the most volatile I’ve ever been in. I remember just wishing that he would treat the way the my current boyfriend does. Now I have that and I have to admit I’ve been taken him for granted. But I’m ready to be fully commited to the relationship that I have now. I want to make it the best it can. I told him that I wanna be his best friend and that is my goal for us. I want us talk, and laugh, play around, go out together, get to know each others friends and family. I want to be able to look at him and be able to read him the way I do with my female best friend.