be a good mummy

im quite afraid and i dont know what the best thing to do is.

I have to make a decision about what to do in regards to returning back to work. Is it best to return to work, part-time, when Oren is 7 months old so that things are a little less tight for us financially? Or should I spend a little longer at home with him, have us tighten our financial belts for a while, and return to work when he is a few months older? I really dont know what is best…

Oren is a pretty good baby when it comes to night time sleeping, but he doesnt sleep very much during the day and I was starting to get a little worried about it (although none of the health visitors are!) as he does look tired sometimes and gets tiny baby-bags under his eyes…

So for the last few days I have been putting him down in his cot, and trying to help him learn to sleep in it during the day. Its been a bit hit-and-miss so far, usually involves a fair bit of him crying, and hasnt meant he has taken more naps or longer naps. However, this morning saw a bit of a breakthrough as he slept for nearly two hours! This is amazing as Oren’s naps usually last 30 minutes at the most. It gave me loads of time to research jobs on the internet, which is the sort of thing I never have the time or quietness needed to do during the day.

Oren finally had a good weight gain again this week. Actually he had an amazing weight-gain, 10oz in one week! We are now combine feeding him, so I am continuing to breastfeed, but we are topping him up with formula where we need it. Its good to see him flourishing, and growing. I have had to pull out the 3-6 month babygrows this week, and they fit him perfectly! Hopefully, he will continue to grow… he is such a happy little boy its wonderful to see him doing well.

I do love Oren so much. It truly astounds me how much I love him sometimes. I finally understand how having more people in your life doesnt mean that you split the love you have between them, but you find you are full of more love to share between them.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I could have a big family with lots of children. I always felt I would just have a couple, but being a parent is just so amazing I could now imagine having several children. I doubt it will happen (BashfulC only wants a couple lol) so no matter how many we have, BashfulC & I need to cherish each one.

I feel at the moment that my days are revolving around my boobs! Which is definitely not as much fun as it sounds lol.

We bought a decent breastpump at the weekend, and I am amazed at the difference to the other 2 pumps I own. Obviously breastpumps are not items where you should try and save any pennies, we’ve just bought the medela swing breast pump and it is fabulous. How much I wish we had bought it right at the beginning.

I am basically now using it every 2 hours, every day, to try and get my milk supply up. Through using the pump and measuring output against Orens intake, Ive ascertained my milk supply is a bit low. Our baby is such a good baby, he has never moaned about still being hungry at the end of a feed, but it is now apparent that he must have been, bless him.

This breastpump really is a milking machine though, and makes me feel like a dairy cow. And I cant help but wince slightly when I think about what the combination of using this vaccum on my boobs plus months of a baby hanging from them, is going to do for their shape, etc!

But I am determined to try and sort out this milk supply problem, and so Ill keep hooking myself up to the milking machine, taking my fenugreek, eating oats, drinking loads, and trying not to overdo it – all to give my milk the best chance!

So yes, this is all unsexy as hell, but hopefully its in the best interests of our son.

Had a scary day today. Was driving Oren and I down a dual carriageway when my car engine just went, and my car suddenly became jerky and wouldnt drive. Had to do a right turn at a roundabout to be able to pull the car off the road, and crawled round it at about 5mph as car wouldnt go any faster, and was terrified some speedster was about to come up behind me and crash into us.

It was really quite scary, and I was relieved to just be able to pull into the carpark and leave the car there. Ended up getting a taxi home and not getting any of the shopping I needed, but was so pleased Oren was safe. I would have felt so guilty if anything had happened, as it was I felt guilty that I had taken him out for the day when the car broke down – which is silly as it obviously isnt my fault at all!

Anyway, it raised a blindingly obvious point for us, which is we really need to sort out breakdown cover. Ive always had it previously, and somehow just never thought about buying it for this car – well that will be corrected asap, as Im not going through that again with my little vulnerable son with me!

Lol, am being plagued by dreams about work at the moment. Last night I had a dream that I walked into a meeting and simply said the words ‘You are all wankers’ and then leaving again… Am feeling more and more that I simply wont be able to return to that place. Its become so much more than hating where I work, and I am unimpressed that it is causing me so much worry already.

Have been looking at other jobs online. Ive found one which I could apply for, which would be a working from home fundraising position for a major charity. I cant really ascertain from the basic JD what proportion of time would be spent having to travel for meetings etc, and there isnt any info on their flexible working policies, but Im thinking I could put an application in and always withdraw later if I find it wouldnt suit.

Of course, a drawback of this role would be that Id probably have to return to work by November, which means I lose 2 months maternity leave (as I didnt want to return to work until Jan at the absolute earliest) but maybe if there is a way of working out a good working week for me, then it would be better to go back to work earlier than anticipated, for the amount of time I could spend with Oren in the long term.

So Im really trying to progress this, so Oren doesnt have to spend the whole week with absent parents.

Well following on from my entry of last week…

We went to see one of the places which we could use for Orens childcare. I had really been hoping to walk in and feel really confident in the surroundings and people we saw, but I didnt.

It didnt that help that because it was summer that every sentence we were told began with ‘we dont normally…’

so it was
‘we dont normally have the tv on for the kids, its because of the Olympics’
‘we dont normally have no area for the babies, we just dont have any here at the moment’
‘we dont normally have so much stuff piled up in the entrance, it because i just got back from brownie camp’

and so on. You kind of want to see what it is normally like!!

I dont know. I actually felt sad for the rest of the day at the idea of dropping our boy off there at 8 every morning and not seeing him for the whole day.

For some reason BashfulC seems to think Ill enjoy going back to work and leaving him at nursery! Not sure im getting his logic there, lol.

In addition to the childcare stresses i have been having, Oren has been having some issues with weight gain. He has only gained a few ounces in the last month, so it seems there is either a problem with me or him.

He seems a very happy, healthy baby, apart from the lack of weight gain. There seem lots of possible problems it could be – quantity of milk supply, quality of milk supply, reflux, or maybe nothing at all. The health visitors have previously been focusing on seeing if the issue is with how I have been feeding him, and now seem to be focusing on increasing the quantity of milk available to him. So Im taking him to the doctor this afternoon just to get another opinion. The thing is, he doesnt seem to be hungry after I feed him, so I didnt think it was a quantity of milk issue. Its all very confusing.

It does make you feel a bit rubbish though, knowing there is either a problem with me or him, isnt nice.

Ive chosen this photo of our little boy, as it sums up how i am feeling at the moment too!!!

I seem to have been struck by insomnia – which isnt good as I am exhausted and desperately need sleep. It is possible that the insomnia is just related to the fact that I have a cold at the moment and I feel grotty, but it is also possible I guess that it is related to one of the issues which I have going round and round in my head.

Quite a prominent issue at the moment is my return to work – brought up by some friends who are reccomended childcare placements to us. I have been visited by many concerns and worries over this one. We are going to visit a childcare facility in just over a week which means many questions which have previously been up in the air, will now need answering, such as:

- when will oren start childcare
- how many days a week
- how many hours will be be away from home

When I started thinking about these things, I suddenly realised some of the knock on effects I hadnt thought of before, such as because it takes me an hour each way to commute, Oren will basically need to be in childcare the days I am working from 8am – 6pm. Which basically means Ill see him for maybe an hour in the morning while im getting him ready, and then maybe an hour in the evening before he goes to bed. Im finding the idea that the only time either of us will really get to see him being is on weekends quite difficult to deal with. And of course then there is the likelihood that we’ll miss a lot of his ‘firsts’ because he’ll spend more time with other people than with us.

I had also intended to start using baby signing with him when he was old enough – and again realised that there wont really be much point – because at the age where I would be teaching it to him, will be the age he goes into childcare! And they wont sign to him at the childcare place, and if we only do it on weekends its simply not going to work – it needs to be all or nothing really. So Im a bit gutted about that too, as I really believe in signing as an aid to speech development and I was really looking forward to us all learning it as a family together.

So those are the issues I am having generally. Today BashfulC suggested that I request flexitime and work from home two days a week. Which is possible, but in itself raises a whole host of other problems for me.

Firstly, to request flexitime in this way, I am going to have to return to the organisation and job which I hate. And hate is probably not strong enough a word. Shortly after Oren was born I sent a message to 8 of my old colleagues asking to come to visit, just let me know when kind of thing, and no response. Honestly, if thats how much they think of me, im not sure I want to go back in any capacity. But bigger than that, the organisation has managed to undo, in such a short time frame, all the hard work which I did over the last 4 years. Seeing a project which I put everything into just allowed to disintegrate and be pulled apart by the organisations vultures the way which it has makes me so sad. And I just dont know if I have the inclination and energy to go and do it all over again. This maybe sound overdramatic to some, but my job was so much more than a job (if you know what i do youll understand).

So I am having a bit conflict about returning to that place. Ill probably be granted the flexi working if I do decide to go back, but Im just worried what it is going to do for my mental wellbeing (and of course, I havent even raised the slight worry I have about multitasking to work two full days from home and looking after Oren and the housekeeping at the same time!)

As I hate the job which is being kept open for me so much, I could apply for another job – and I have been looking on the internet. However, it would be a full time job which is unlikely to offer me the kind of flexi working i would be able to get at the organisation i am at now, so it would mean 8am-6pm 5 days a week away from oren. i wont give up entirely on the idea of finding something suitable (i shall keep trawling that guardian website!), but i cant help but think the chances of something suitable coming up are slim.

It would be ideal if I could work somewhere a bit nearer home as well, the hour commute was fine when it was just me and BashfulC but now it would just mean our son would only get to see either of us for an hour in the evening before bed 5 days a week.

Unfortunately BashfulC and I dont have the luxury to be able to make the choice for me not to return to work. My concerns are partly selfish – Im sure if I had a job which I loved that it would be easier to be thinking and mentally preparing about going back. But mostly, it is beginning to dawn on me how important this time with our son is, and how much we will miss.

In my mind I have begun weighing everything up. A wedding dress would cost the same as an extra month off work to be with oren. Our airfare to America at christmas will cost the same as an extra month off work to be with oren. etc etc. And im tying myself up in knots now trying to work out if we have our priorities in the right place, or whether i am just being too clingy to my son.

It isnt like I am returning to work imminently, the current agreed plan of maternity leave takes me to mid November, and with the accrued annual leave etc to take following that, I wont be returning to work until January (and still get full pay for the last 4/5 weeks!) I do have another paid 3 months of maternity leave to use if we decide we want it or need it. But we are going to view the childcare places now, and a plan needs to be made, so its bringing forward the decision making to now – which is so hard while he is still so little and vulnerable.

Its really made me realise perceptions or ideals about myself which I never knew existed. I realise now that I never saw myself as a full time stay at home mum, but I never saw myself as a full time working mum either.

I was telling a friend the other day that as a new mum, you feel guilty 100% of the time. She asked me what I felt guilty about, and i struggled to articulate it. But this is a good example. I feel guilty to oren for him having come along at a time that we are not financially secure enough to be able to just do what we think is best for him, rather than what we need to do to pay the rent. I feel guilty on the increased pressure (both financial and otherwise) that BashfulC will feel as a result of me being at home on maternity leave. I almost feel guilty for loving our boy so much that i want to be there throughout his first year and see him develop and grow!

I know lots of parents put their children into childcare at an early age and all is fine – my entry is not a comment on the practice itself, more on how Im feeling about it at the moment. I think childcare placements away from the home from an early age are fantastic – as it really promotes social and independence skills in kids from a young age. SO im completely pro the idea, and even if I was a full time stay at home mum – I would still want him to go to a daycare for a few mornings/afternoons a week to gain those skills. I guess Ive just realised where the line is between my feeling positive and comfortable about the use of daycare, and feeling crap about it!!