be comfortable in my skin

I’ve started lifting about a month or so ago. It makes all the difference. I welcome the strength, confidence and beauty that lifting brings to my life. It is so much better than hours of cardio, though I still love my kickboxing.

More women need to pick up weights! The life changing potential, and the bonus confidence boost are phenomenal.

It’s been a lil over 2 weeks since I have started seriously getting back into my workout routine full force. Thank God! I feel strong! After that extended break of flexibile noncommitment that came with my studies and the boyfriend, it’s obvious how I slipped. For me it’s all about finding the time to invest in myself, body and mood. I love knowing I could knock ya all out with my hook punch. Looking hot in my bikini is also nothing to complain about; I can cope with the stares. I’m doing 50 min to an hour six days a week of kick-boxing cardio, dance, mixed with the occational yoga and pilates routine. Added to that I’m teaching myself how to rollerblade (it’s easy… just can’t stop) and my own feet as my primary transportantion around town. Did about an 1.5 hours today of kicking my own ass, upping my cals today by 100 too. I love the endorphins, the stress relief. The one thing I need to remember is how important it is for me to not become obsessive and how easy it is for me to do so inspite of my progress to a more balanced way of thinking. I need to STAY healthy. I was sick for too long. No need to go back there.

health food
daily pilates/kickbox

Overcoming Low self-Esteem by Dr. Melanie Fennell

I’ve read some pretty good reviews about this book, thought I’d give it a try. It can’t hurt, and given that I eventually see myself working in this field I am sure the more I consume of it the better.

Interesting research:
http://www.admin.ox.ac.uk/po/news/2004-05/jun/21a.shtml
http://www.psychiatry.uq.edu.au/aacbt/AACBTFennell.html

God,

Why do I hate myself? I mean it’s not just some things I dislike, I despise everything. Forget about loving myself, I just want to be ok with myself. I just want to enjoy living. I don’t feel this is too much to ask. I am tired. I’ve been diagnosed with too much. I just want to feel better. Being told by strangers how “beautiful” I am, being hit on by some random whenever I leave the house, is a nightmare when I don’t feel it on the inside. I want to feel whole. I want to feel light, I want to move forward, but I feel imprisoned in this body of mine, I feel tied to this pain. I don’t know if I feel unworthy of love, friendship, happiness; I don’t know what it is. Sure some of my insecurities and fear have to do with past encounters with the opposite sex. Maybe I should get help to learn how to cope better with that. Maybe in my heart I blame myself for being so trusting. But I still don’t understand how you could be so cruel as to leave me in this state of hopelessness. Please be here with me, don’t abandon me; I am trying so hard. I am trying to shed this skin. My hand is open to you, and I pray that you are listening.

I spent another $100 today at Beachbody. I just had to order Turbo Jam. Not like I need more exercise, but I have a “need” to burn those calories… I know that no one supports me in this, I know that ny nutritionist is concerned about my desire to do so, but I plan to remain conscious of the fact that I have and can go too far. I must remind myself not to sacrafice my health. I just want to be more comfotable in my skin, and right now I am far from it. I just must be careful…

believe in myself…

I’m working very hard at this…

I’ve been a size 0 or smaller for years; I need to accept that wearing a size 1 jeans is NOT fat. Why is that so hard for me? I have all these expectations for myself, all these unhealthy ideals. Why do I crucify myself? Why do I see beauty in bones? Life would be so much easier if I could just find something, someone to have faith in.

WTF? I might be crazy, but this sounds perfect for me. Maybe I’ll place an order and add this to my usual workout.

Update:
Ebay is wonderful, saved myself a pretty penny!

Update:
Love it!

Probably one of the hardest things for me: accepting myself and being less critical of what I see in the mirror. I want to feel inner peace.