Overcome my eating disorder.

i dont know if i can do this.
i dont know how it starts to get better.
i dont know how to make me do the haaaaaaaaaard work.

i really just don’t know. maybe in a few months I’ll find myself having kicked into gear in healthy habits and working hard. Or maybe I’ll still be here and struggling just the same- wanting and aiming to get better with every new day but realistically only staying stuck. How do you start?? I think I know what to do, I’m just not doing it..

YUCK YUCK YUCK i haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate this.

it’s been, 2 hrs since i woke up. maybe another hour or so til family comes home again for the day. i’m so restless. part of me just wants to eat something nice, part of me needs to be thiiiiiin and the rest of me wants to just forget it all and escape. I want a cigarette, i want to taste nice foods, i want to be drunk off my tits, I want to be spaced out of my brain on i don’t care what.

I know i already said but I’m SO restless. I should go and do something, anything, a change. I’m going to go be with my dog for a bit :) That’ll be enough. just small things is all you need to do. I’ve only gotta hold off til my parents come home, but then it just gets harder really because its not a matter of waiting out a few hours, it’s a matter of making lasting, effective changes and actually making things happen. EUGH. did i say eugh? EUGH!!!

nighttime, it’s always nighttime that gets me.. eugh.

not so bad, but less than perfect, and perfect’s what i need. I’ve done it before, why is it so hard to do again?

i’ll try to do better tomorrow. Feel like I need help though, i’ll be alone for the day with not much to occupy me. hmm sounds like an inevitable outcome to me. well at least i already know it’s gonna be tough.. not that that’ll help when i’ve stuffed my face and am feeling like shit. I really have to make it through tomorrow, i have to START this thing for real. I’m not here to indulge this, i’m not here to keep on wallowing.

i’m here to make me ok again. i’m here to get thin. that’s really terrible.

bah look at that black and white thinking – all or nothing. and the constant switch from wanting to overcome to consciously driving it further and harder. you must see it in my posts.

oh well. bottom line – do better tomorrow. scared that its gonna be a real disaster. trying not to talk myself into it. believe woman! believe!

erk. let you know.

Well, good so far. I’ve been for about an hr jog/walk with my dad and dog, and i’ve only eaten what i’m allowing myself to eat. Being healthy ticked off so far – yes :]

Goddamn it was hard going walking and jogging though! Anyone out there who’s fit – appreciate it! I know i never really realise just how fit I am or how much hard work I’ve done to get there. It’s insane the changes your body can undergo.

So hoorah, for the first time in a very long time, i’m making some happy, welcome changes. That feels good :) It’s a constant slog though – and always, always my brain is working overtime to think about just how huge a task it is, just how awful I really am, and how horrible it is that I’m back right here again. Just always beating me down.

I work hard to not listen and to think in different ways, it’s all you can do. Don’t listen to that awful brain and use it instead to put one foot in front of the other, walking in the right direction.

Always on the damn loop.

From 50 odd kg, fighting fit, but starving, to 80 kg and breathless chasing my dog. On the plus side though I’m with my dog again.

Physically I feel HORRIBLE- I feel hideously F-A-T and ugly, soooo unfit, I have irritable bowel, and I’m ever more depressed. So I’ve come back ‘home’ to my family, this is where I was 6 months ago. I gradually stopped throwing up, excercised like crazy, and lost 20 kg.

Then I flipped again from anorexic to binge eating and here I am again. This time with 30 kilos to lose. I had to come back here because I couldn’t see an end to my binge eating behaviour.

So.. so. There’s not much to say. I hate that I’m back here. I’m insanely angry at myself for it. But I’ve put a stop in the wheel. Phew. Now look up, and get to work. One step at a time, one day at a time, one lost kilo at a time. I am getting healthy, I am getting fit, and I am losing weight. In that order.

I can’t wait to be able to run all the way up the mountain accross from us again, twice. Yes, I can’t wait :]

blah. blah. b-lah.

i’m really depressed. depression is the killer, for me it makes taking any positive steps virtually impossible.

so thats my next step – treat the depression.

ringing my dr for an appointment tomorrow. I’m so lucky and i have an angel of a gp. he’s incredible.

but this means i have to face up to what’s happening and face what i’ve become. i think thats the first and hardest hurdle – turning to face the destruction.

how do you F*ing STOP this. I don’t know how.

i love this quote – its worth repeat posting -

A year from now, you may wish you had started today.

—Karen Lamb

how long can this go on for??

how many times can you say the same. damn. thing. how does a year turn into three? how does three turn into ten?? i can’t comprehend hitting the ten year mark. but at the same time it’s all i can imagine for myself. I can’t imagine anything bigger, better. more. i really just can’t see myself in a ‘normal’, successful place. can’t feel it. but GOD do i want it.

i’m only 22. but i’ve missd out on ALOT. Feel like i’m losing, already lost, the time to be free and stupid and young indefinitely. That’s sad.

Goddamn you bulimia. How did you get so far in.

“i need to find something that sticks.” how do you find that?

do you just do the right thing as much and as often as absolutely possible? i guess, if you do the right thing, most of the time, your life’ll build ontop of that. and that should stick.

i know what the right thing is. YOU know what the right thing is. the hard part’s always in the doing, not the knowing.

well i’m living in complete chaos! honestly – anyone ever wants to know what state i’m in, just take a look at my room or my house. right now there’s the himalayas of debris taking over any flat surface – floor, bed, shelves, drawers. there IS still a path thru the room, just. i washed my sheets last week and still havent put them back on my bed, just a matress and a quilt. i’ve worn the same clothes (with clean underwear) for three days, and with a different shirt it was about a week and a half before that.

yep, i’m definitely helping myself out here..