Overcome my eating disorder.

Holding on.

Working hard.

Always working hard.

Up and down and all around it goes on and on, and on. But gradually things get better and I get happier.

Slowly I am returning :)

xxxo

I was in a FOUL mood earlier. I was so angry. At nothing and nobody but at everything and everybody. No matter what was said or done i just wanted to kick something. Or smash something. Really hard.

I didn’t want do aaaanything, and I didn’t want to do nothing. The relentlessness of this ed was just getting unbearable. Then suddenly i did want to run, so I pounced on the opportunity. I ran and ran and ran. For two hours. All the way up a massive nearby mountain and back down. When i got to the long, steep hills and my legs starting giving out and I burned and burned, I kept running. For those moments I relished the work and pushed so hard, it was like putting physical feeling, almost pain to my anger and letting some out.

Argh it just felt so good. And it felt even better when I’d stop and walk!!

I just feel so much better now. Not good, but better :) And it’s a healthy, longer lasting ‘better’- It’s not food, it’s not drugs, not a cuddle and a cuppa from someone else. It’s just me. Me and my body. Meltdown: averted :)

About going the week b/p free, and realising it but also realising that it’s not so special or out of the ordinary for me these days. That’s not true! It may not be too out of the ordinary, but it IS special. It is ALWAYS special no matter how recovered you are or aren’t. If there’s one thing being so sick is teaching me – it’s to love the good things and appreciate being able to just, live.

I just wanted to say too that it can’t be said enough how helpful exercise is. So long as its not excessive of course. I just know that for me, in all this time, when i exercise, i don’t often get too much worse and usually get a bit better, but when i’m NOT exercising, i absolutely inevitably go down hill. But that’s me. If you dont do any exercise, and especially if you never really have, then try starting, you’ll be SO glad you did. But start small. Something you can enjoy. Don’t slog your guts out til your ready and don’t slog just because you feel like you have to. Then it’s not helpful, its only continuing encouraging and aiding your ed.

I realised too that tomorrow it’ll be a week b/p free. Realising this, and realisng that it wasn’t actually anything too special or out of the ordinary, made remember the times when I couldn’t even go half a day b/p free. The times when each hour was a grinding achievement and I wanted this more desperately than anything but had no hope of achieving it.

I’m not sure how exactly things changed, but things are so different now. It’s like fading in and out so gradually you don’t even notice til you remember how you once were.

Take this as reassurance guys and girls… what goes down will ineveitably come back up. But not forever ;)

It seems to me it’s usually only be the hard stuff that people write about here. And far out there is alot of hard stuff with this goal so I spose that’s warranted.

But while I’m vaguely succeeding I want to put out something something helpful. And I really am getting somewhere – DRAGGING myself kicking and screaming and scraping over every rock and stick on the ground along the way. But I’m moving forward. YOU CAN TOO. No matter what your struggle or problem. There’s always.. always something you can do. I just wanted to say that. Don’t give up. Try not to get disheartened. If you’re fighting a battle, KEEP FIGHTING. You know that you can win, because no matter what it is thousands of others before you have fought and won similar fights. They will all tell you it’s worth it, so do it, and if you’ve done it, then keep going :)

Today for me was reeaally hard. But I’ve started a new way of getting through, and thats what i came on here tonight to say. I talked to my parents who I’m living with again, about what exactly is happening for me and what exactly I am trying to do/achieve, and exactly how I plan to do it. My ed is not new for them, but this is the first time I’ve really and honestly outlined what I’m facing and my plan of attack. This helps in two main ways – now I’ve got that plan and written it and talked about it it’s harder for me to reneg on what I’ve set out to do, and it allows them in enough so they can actually help me beyond just loving me.

I SO strongly recommend that to anybody else who’s tyring to beat an eating disorder. Talk about it. Enlist that support. Tell someone who’s around you alot exactly what you are trying to do, and why. And ask them to try to help you stick to that. (without bullying and guilt of course). Even just talking about what you feel like and how you want to try and change it helps. You dont have to go full-scale, list-nazi, aim focussed on their arse like I have!

But now that I have a list of things to stick to, solid short term aims and a way of achieving them, and two people armed with the right knowledge to help me through, days like today can be fought off little bit by little bit. I know for a fact that if I didn’t have that set out, something to follow, or someone else to give me a push, I would’ve had another s**thouse day. Of course it was tough and I felt like shit and blah blah, but physically I was everything I wanted to be.

Just some advice on something that’s working for me. Hope I dont sound preachy and hope it’s helpful.

Today everything seems to be harder and hurt more. On the way back from my walk, which was sposed to be a run but i got cramps, i honestly felt my… my raging anger.. my utter hatred of myself burn stronger than i think it ever has. I HATED myself and especially my pitiful body. I loathed ME with a passion, a force shockingly aggressive. In those moments I felt i’d have done ANYTHING to take me away, to not be me. To not fight this battle anymore. To just, stop This.

I guess there’s something big enough in me that thinks its worth the fight. Because I always keep going, always get back on the horse in some way. I don’t have the guts not to – don’t have the guts to renounce everything and everybody. Who am I to say that the people I love aren’t worth fighting for? How could i slap them in the face and say “sorry, I dont love you enough to keep trying until I can rejoin your world”. “sharing our life together isnt worth my trouble of recovery. You’re not worth my trouble of recovery. I’m giving up.” I could never do that. No matter how low I get. I couldn’t do it to my dad. I can give up on myself, but i can’t give up on him.

So there’s no worry for me of actually just giving up. Sure I’ll wallow and sulk in disgusting self pity, but eventually I pick myself back up and take that miserable first step again. But I’m one of the lucky ones. I have that link to someone that’ll always hold me still, should i make it to the crumbling edge. And I’m not ruling that out.

This got a bit sidetracked. I’m not sure what I wanted to say when I came on. Just put words to the hatred and loathing i guess. It seems to get worse and stronger every time you falter. The closer you feel to something good, the harder it is to have the bad again. I’m sure lots of you reading this know what I mean and have felt it yourself.

But we soldier on… I hope one day soon I dont have to soldier, and just get on. It’s all SO hard, and I’d just like it to be a little easier for a while I spose.

I went food shopping with my dad today because i had to be in town for other things too. It’s SO cruel that as a person with a food addiction and serious food issues, you are constantly surrounded by a) people eating food that you can’t allow yourself to eat, but often desperately want. b) food advertisements. c) food in shops. everywhere you go.

This life is SO centred around food and makes things incredibly difficult when you have such strong problems surrounding it.

Could you ask or expect a drug addict trying to get clean to spend their days trawling aisles of various heavenly drugs, sharing regular intervals everyday where all your friends and loved ones do these drugs, or get bombarded through every media outlet with enticing ads for heroin, cocaine, ice, weed. WORSE STILL could you ask them to have a hit, just a tiiiiny hit, and stop. every few hours, every single day. All of this often on top of utter misery and depression. If addicts had to endure this day in day out, could we ever expect them to get clean??

I am not trying to lessen the issue of drug addiction. I know its a doozy, and one of the most hellish things a person can come out of.
But eating disorders of all kinds are addictions too, and in my experience they are severely underestimated- both while they are happening and in the achievemnt of recovery. We have to have a little bit of our addiction in every single aspect of our life, but somehow not let it consume us. Can you imagine how much strength that requires.

I looked at my face in the mirror today, and for the first time in a long time, I recognised what I saw. An incredible moment suspended second after second. I couldn’t look away, it was like something inside held me transfixed to these eyes, MY eyes. They burned back, screaming, begging with a fierceness and a sadness, at the same time quietly asking me if i will do this. Can I do it for me, can I get me back. I smiled and I smiled and I actually nodded. Does that make me sound strange? It was a strange moment. A great moment. In it I refound a part of me, a small scrap, but something to hold onto. That part of me asked will I do it? Will I get better?

Silently I said yes. I’ve just gotta hold on.

I’ve said it so many times before, but this has got to STOP.

With every bit of food,
every time that I can’t quite throw everything up,
every morning i wake to swollen glands and a puffy face,
with every day i don’t leave my hideaway,
every time i pass a mirror or reflective surface,
with every day I don’t give my dog enough love or time because I devote too much to my bulimia,
with every time I vow to stop but fail;
with every one of these my self hatred burns stronger, I feel that much more desperate and just living in my body gets that much harder.

It simply, truly can’t go on.

So why does it?

I’m about to state the complete bloody obvious, but this is SO hard, isn’t it! You take a few steps forward and then suddenly WHAM you’re right back where you were. FUCK!

If anybody wants to email me and talk to someone who understands just send me a message. I’d love to chat to some of you girls out there who are all in the same boat.. :) An understanding ear is always nice even if it doesnt help a bit! Ha!

Sending all my best thoughts out to you all who are reading this and feeling like crap. We deserve SO much better. WE CAN DO IT! (i hope?) God do I hope.. We can. We have to.