overcome bulimia

How did I get here? ...How did I even get here. This life, this person, this – THING – is not me. But it is. It has been for three f—ing years. So how do you escape yourself? How do you avoid yourself? Ignore yourself? Deny yourself?

You bloody well don’t and can’t. You change – you need to change or everything will stay the same.

A year from now you may wish you had started today.

—Karen Lamb

It’s time to put one foot in front of the other. Thats all. “Do my best”, but above all, DO it. Just f*ing do it.

It’s that time again – in the circling nightmare of an eating disorder – I’m back at the place where you loathe yourself with every.single.breath of your battered body.

(big sigh.)

Again. I’m here in this very place all over again. Anyone out there with any kind of addiction will know this feeling – you escape, you ‘win’, you ‘change’, things get better. And then, somehow and SO agonisingly, you find yourself sliding waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back down, and if you’re unlucky hurtling straight past where you came from to even lower depths of personal hell.

Sorry for the negativity.

This is my recent story in nutshell – (I’m three yrs bulimic, not currently purging) about 4 months ago I’d put on 20 kilos (45 pounds). I worked my absolute arse off over about 3 months and lost it. I got some life back, started work, moved back out of home blah blah. I felt ‘better’ (not cured). In SIX WEEKS I’ve put that TWENTY KILOS back on. YES – SIX WEEKS, TWENTY KILOS.

I’ve gone from literally starving to the polar opposite – no exercise whatsoever and bingeing like MAD everyday on genuinely terrible food.(e.g SHAME Yesterday i ate 4,500 calories.)

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?? I’m not at all new to this e.d but I still dont know the answer to that question.

I don’t know how my body, my heart, has and is coping with the drastic and sudden extremes both ways. I don’t know how to turn it around again this time- Last time I was hidden away and could just slog it out. Now my face is out here and on show for all to see. I’m so ashamed and disgusted and angry.

I know the simple, only answer is Just Do It. But it’s SO very difficult, and everytime it gets harder. Even now, I know I’m not yet going to put my heart into stopping, or to starting the slog that is losing it again.

I just, truly, want to know WHY I keep on being dragged back. I know it’s the classic starve-binge cycle, and I know although it feels SO extreme there are many many others out there exeriencing the same thing. Any advice?