live comfortably

I’ve slimmed my budget somewhat, and still feel in touch with the good things.

I wouldn’t go so low as to call it an “approach” as many people do. Maybe that’s true in some cases; there’s some planning and concern and attention to health that has gone into or preceded my current mode.

Partly its just that I’m employed and finally convinced of the value of people situations. I’ve had a number of incidents where I shy away, thinking there’s nothing to gain. Although I’ve had many progressions in creating “products”, e.g. artwork or writing, I’ve been disspointed at how little my persona has developed apart from the world of people.

In a way it seems foolish, in another way I had a need simply to consider my own merits and commitments. Maybe aspects of my life are failing in the same way as always, or maybe gradually my role is expanding beyond my accustomed scope. Certainly small kernels of change are appearing and taking root. However, it remains unclear what in fact will be consequent of this, if it depends on facts at all, or is a larger psychological presence within the spheres that are valid for me.

I lived in a single-parent household for a long time, and I’m still far from feeling like an accomplished adult.

I didn’t date in high school, so what am I supposed to do now? I’m still playing catch-up with imaginary people, the shadows of former-selves, who even at that time must not have had a thought for me.

Would wealth make up for that kind of loneliness? I doubt it. In fact, I have an apprehension that I will feel guilty having freedom, when I know there are others suffering the way I did.

Success in this world becomes palliative rather than affirmative, yet I feel that my thoughts are largely still geared towards finding the experience in which I know I am myself, which I feel is a carefree sort of existence without anxieties, in which my own values are clearly appreciated, entailing a market for my talents and a company of wonderful future-oriented equals.

Lynnora-Jean, thank you for the reply. I actually keep expecting that someone will be offended that my repressed jerk side is finally coming out. But then I remind myself that there actually isn’t anything wrong with being happy.