Get out of the house and do something every weekend

to a major university library recently for the purposes of researching book topics, yielding a partly pictorial book on symbols and motifs, as well as two more technical books on semiotics (the study of symbols and their use), which I haven’t explored as deeply, partly because they are studded with the name of a semiotics forefather, James Pearce, the work of which I have parsed briefly online, to the detriment of the beauty of thought.

It seems suitable to computers, or maybe linguists, but not people who love symbols as icons or experiences. Maybe its just the wrong expression, or my thinking doesn’t mesh well with his personality type. Who knows. I can’t help feeling that I’m being “pierced” when I read Pearce. There is nothing understanding about this.

and I am out of the house…

However it is first frost, or first snow
I’ve done very little
not showered, missed a sandwich around 2pm

instead of eating much I have raked leaves, been threatened by my stepfather as though I’m some kind of mindless slave, and found myself in a cafe where I throw away my hot chocolate because I’m afraid of developing diabetes (caused sometimes by sugar intake, as well as other diet concerns).

Will things improve? Is it enough to call it an economic question? Philosophers (I presume) are perpetually fascinated that so much could go wrong for the wrong reasons.

Referring to my previous entry, I have bought a guitar, but have felt too disconnected with people to play much. I need to get some kind of support strap before I could carry it into any kind of people situation. But if this ever ends up being my default career I’m going to want to shoot myself.

I’m beginning to have second thoughts about this one.

On Saturday I explored about 20 or 30 large square blocks of New Haven looking for a guitar shop that may or may not exist.

Now my mother claims its on Water St., wherever that is. I’m going to need a map.

Its been a goal to buy a guitar since a fret snapped off (no idea how) and the cheap plastic pegs used to hold the strings in the holes have begun to break or dissapear.

Its seemed cheaper and cheaper, not even serviceable (everyone knows servicing a given thing can cost twice as much as the thing itself. It wouldn’t be an issue except it was obviously overpriced and by now its like less than a guitar, negative points—everything is wrong with it).

Seriously, I ought to be embarrased to say this but I used pliers to tighten the broken fret. It sounds better if I say that I tuned it with a wrench.

so much of it is the assumption or conviction of incompatibility with society, which amounts to being to some extent or another marginalized.

There are plenty of isolated young people who would be glad to assume that I am more popular than I am, even simply for taking interest in them.

To some extent there is a credance simply to being a little older. Not true with everyone, but sometimes meshing with others is simply a matter of recognizing personal value and the continuity of experiences.

I need to work on this.

I have a volunteer job I go to every Saturday, but it isn’t that much of an event. Its only two hours a week, the same thing every week.

There’s little variation; now I’m looking for actual engagements. Sitting in a fair-trade goods store and watching people browse has its benefits, but other people are actually doing something with their Saturdays. At least I’m not completely disconnected from people, but even this is in doubt at this point (as it has been in a larger way before).

Going to an art museum works now and then, but I always go alone. There’s a limit to exploring restaurants as a library assistant.

“Avant life!” I want to say…

aren’t necessarily where I want to be…

concerts are often too loud, sometimes I feel I only go to music events to have a greater sense of peace afterwards.

I have new goals to improve my eating habits and at the same time not cloister myself so much as to lose all touch with reality. There are opportunities out there, if not always to meet the girl of my dreams, then at least to feel the weather and recompose myself as pleasantly as possible amongst the movements of people, and cultivate a sense that I can have an agenda in this world.