catharsis

headaches

or fail to be

there’s not everything to do with a woman until she says something

for in some ways there are other ways to answer

in some ways I have things that are attractive

maybe not everything in desire

she might find me somewhere, we could talk eachother

*anger at washing machine
*relatively astounding openness with people
*threw away Tarot deck
*mother admits knowledge of evil

Do I feel an emotional awakening? That would be too much to expect, but some things are changing.

I saw a young woman I once corresponded with working at a cafe in New Haven.

Begun Halloween 2007

This project occurred to me after considering that

1. My entire neighborhood looks like something out of a horror story

and

2. I’ve had some really jarring experiences that seem to validate that fact

What came to mind as I was considering this in a cafe was an experience I had years ago when I was so dissociated it was as if no one went to the local college and every light was dim after 5pm, and no one I could speak with was within gunshot.

I’ve seen a hunchback in a parking lot, amphibious vehicles crawl out of the ocean, hallucinated a square sun, and found a fence with “something fishy” carved in it.

However, I have also seen a man who looked like a serial killer with a hook for a hand. My mental state at that point was more frayed than fragile. It didn’t occur to me that he might pull out a filet knife and do me in right then and there.

The truth was, there was something wrong with his face. My immediate response was that the plastic surgery was not a result of burns, but to hide his true identity. He lumbered as though his upper back was a lump of metal. The trench coat he wore was nondescript, but had enough character that it might have inside pouches for guns.

Wherever he came from I suspected they had a different definition of hardware and sold dimebags at the local convenience store.

It may be a while before I think of something equal to this.

Thank goodness I don’t live inside a videogame called Nightmare 11: The Stalking, or at least not any more. Attempts to find a life without this experience result in the impression that every path, what could be seen of logic gates or drama, was a dirty river between a rock and a hard place.