stop doing drugs

I have 94 days clean and boy is God doing a job on me. I’m so happy. Even though really surrendering, pretty much everything, hurts, I know that what God has in store for my life is beyond anything I could ever want for myself.

They say just trust in God and he will do take care of you. I was not sure about going to this meeting tonight. But I know I made a commitment to go to a recovery meeting, everyday for the next 90 days, and the only one I could make it to was late and not in the best neighborhood. However, I went, and it was a good meeting. During the meeting I couldn’t help but think about the fact that it was midnight, I was in the hood and it was raining, but another addict offered to take me home, so everything worked out. I hope and pray that God gives me the strength to keep putting my recovery first, big things lie ahead for me.

Wow I haven’t been on this site in soooo long and it just brought back so many memories. I’ve been in my recovery process for 9 months and it feels like i’m light years away from all that confusion. That’s not to say that there’s no confusion, because that would be lying. However, I have new confusion for the most part. All the old confusion has to go, no, HAS TO GO! I say that because I had almost 8 months clean and relapsed, because I returned to people, places, and things. Had some money in my pocket, looking good, feeling good and I had an emotional lapse. I was angry because I felt it was unfair that I was an addict and couldn’t just have a wild night on the town like “normal,” people and an old friend, the same one i was just reading about in past entries, cheered me on and I used.
Almost had 60 days a week ago. One of my dreams came true a week ago, I performed my very own music at a festival, to a great response and to make a long story short i relapsed, with that same friend. See what i’ve come to internalize at this point is, insanity, is repeating the same mistakes expecting different results.I thought it would be okay after the last time because now he understands the seriousness of my disease. That shit is called rationalizing.
It’s funny because I happened to stumble across this Christian cd entitled The Frustration of Liberation, by Bishop T.D. Jakes. He talked about how you can take the devil away from some people, but sometimes you can’t take the people away from the devil. He also talked about how some people, like myself are so used to pain that, altough pain is painful at least it’s familiar. At least when I have chaos in my life I feel normal. However, I have come enitrely TOO FAR, and I refuse to go backwards. The difference today is I don’t beat up on myself anymore, this was a minor setback. I failed but I am not a failure. I learn from my mistakes now. I swear things beyond my wildest dreams have happened to me and I haven’t even been in my process for a year, that’s how awesome God is. I realize that when you look backwards instead of where you are going you, are extremely likely to crash into a wall. But today, for me if I crash and my car is not totaled, I take it to that mechanic called God, get repaired and continue to travel from there. Not to say I won’t make anymore mistakes because THAT would also be lying but these days, with 7 days clean, and a new perspective, i intend to make new ones.

I will be clean and sober for 5 months Feb. 5th if it’s GOd’s will that i live to see that day, it’s unbelievable, life is good

I’VE BEEN CLEAN FOR 6 WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!! Rehab and Church really work. I reccomend profeesional help to anybody. Recovery meetings are everywhere and i’m going to a outpatient rehab facility for free. God is good all the time.

Thank You Jesus, I’ve been clean for three weeks. I’ve been going to my meetings and learning so much. My group is hilarious. We have a good time and i’m fed so much information and inspiration. My friends have a joke about how I can last for 3 weeks doing anything consistently but after that it’s a wrap. But the thing is I don’t have any desire to get high. I feel really good right now. That’s not to say that I can go out and be safe around drugs and alchohol, no not at all, in fact those environments are DANGEROUS, but I avoid that kind of stuff like the plague. Anyway I’m so thankful that God blessed with this program, I recommend treatment for anybody who wants to quit drugs and alchohol. Just do one thing GO TO MEETINGS, when you want to go and when you don’t want to go.In the near future, you’ll be glad you did.

Well it’s funny how God works after slipping like I did last time I decided that I should probably go back to rehab. However, right now I don’t have health insurance. But last week I just happened to bump into some people that work at the rehab and I inquired about coming back. Anyway, I’m in, only this time they have me on intensive outpatient treatment. At first I was like wow that says a lot, but if that’s what I need then so be it. I’m just so reay to understand this disease called addiction. I want to understand it so I can beat it. So far I’ve met some really inspiring, great people. It’s like I’m excited to go.
I just want to say to anybody who wants to overcome this disease it is so worth it to get professional help, not many people can beat it on their own. I thank God for this help and support.

But we get up. Well as I’m sure you can probably tell by the title I’ve fell. But that’s okay. Damn day 6 I smoke and drunk, and day 7 I smoked. That’s okay because I’ll top that with being sober for a full week.

Day 5 and no drugs or alchohol. I can keepit up, I know I can. It was hard today. I just got back from the gym and happened to see the weed person. Thank God she didn’t stop me to have a conversation.

Wow that’s the name of the song playing on my Itunes by En Vouge, it popped on as I started thinking about smoking. That’s how I feel about so many things. Today I’m off and i feel like I wanna smoke. I miss my friends a liitle. I also feel a little bad because I have been kind of neglecting my best friend but I can’t be smoking weed it’s just not going to work for everything I’m trying to do right now. I have to stay focused.