A few separate sources have started alerting me to a possible fear that’s been lurking unnoticed, masked as something else I guess.
Different friends have brought up the subject of love and relationships and asked if I’m open to them. I’ve said no and it seemed that my lack of interest was for sound healthy reasons – like getting healthier and wanting to spend my time/energy on things I’m really interested in.
And my spiritual life has been of huge importance to me, I’ve really enjoyed the peace and equanimity that have developed and based on past experiences of love/lust (and everything in between), I felt that going down that road again would just throw me off course.
And so these friends have been giving me a nudge and then I read about spiritual bypassing and I’ve begun to wonder if I’m doing that.
As I practise mindful awareness, I realise that there is fear there when I even contemplate dating or relationships. And that fear quickly transitions to a lack of interest, aversion even … but there is a gap in between the two states.
I’ve met some very nice guys over the past year or so but I’m aware now that I’ve put up a wall.
Ok, so now I know there is fear there I’m going to try to make friends with it. If I still don’t want to get involved after that – then fine. But fear is a lousy reason to hold back.
at the moment is that I won’t get better. I’m used to being healthy and able-bodied and I’m struggling to adjust to having ME and fibromyalgia.
I can’t automatically say yes to things any more. I’m scared to say yes in case I won’t be able and then cancel. And I’m scared that I’m losing my independence.
It stings when I meet people and they ask the inevitable “so what are you doing?” – I almost dread meeting people because of this. I need to confront this head on.
On the plus side, I’ve realised that my sense of identity and self esteem were based on shaky foundations, on impermanent things. Hopefully I will get my health back and be able to pursue a career again. But I don’t want to depend on them for my wellbeing.
The Buddha knew old age, sickness and death were part of life – but the suffering that goes with them is optional. So I’ve got an opportunity to put this into practice here.
a lot of people close to me think of me as a fearless sort of person but I’m really not. I’m just not afraid of making a fool of myself – in some ways at least!
I’ve realised that one thing I’m afraid of is being hungry. It’s a very primal fear, a brain stem as opposed to cortical fear if that makes any sense. It’s hard to explain but I’ve started noticing things like this since I got into insight meditation.
I think it’s one of the reasons I’m overweight. I end up eating too much to be certain I won’t feel hungry.