OasisOfCalm is doing 41 things including…

get over him

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OasisOfCalm has written 59 entries about this goal

It's been,..

5 months.

I was sat here, very upset about a lot of things so then what do I do? Sit and look at picture, of him, and pictures I took when I was with him. I cried. First time I’ve cried in quite awhile thinking of him. I know it didn’t help, I don’t know why I looked at the pictures (well actually I was just online sorting things anyway, saw them and thought I’d just have a look). Obviously I’m not over him.

In other news, I had a dream about a crush again. Twice in a few weeks. Hmm. I know I can’t have him, but it just proves my subconscious thinks about him. Oh well.



Hoping that some writing may be cathartic

So… I haven’t been thinking about this very much (him/memories/whatever) for quite awhile (EXCEPT on his birthday last Saturday, I probably shouldn’t have even remembered that it was, but I couldn’t help it). It was basically just playing “unhappy birthday” over and over, but knowing he probably had a “fantastic” day with his “oh so amazing” new g/f – why do I still think of her as NEW, they have been together longer than we were :O (who is NOT amazing btw, I am better and it’s a shame he couldn’t see that… I’m not just being jealous, at the start of their relationship she was mocking the fact that he chose her over me and disregarding my feelings completely, I wouldn’t have done that kind of thing, I never posted on his page anything negative about the ex I knew about, even though I was worried he still wanted her and plus he never left anyone for me). This is all progress, right? I mean that until right now, apart from a few days ago, I really wasn’t thinking about it much. However, I am not ready to say I’m done with this yet. Today I am feeling particularly low about it, I’m not 100% sure why, but my guess is I haven’t been having a great few days really (I won’t go into it). The last time I remember truly having fun was probably the night of my birthday when I managed to go out, to a show and then a club (OK aside from arguments with a few people earlier that day) and in the day when I listened to music/watched comedy/had nice food, that was the start of this month. It’s not all been bad, don’t get me wrong, and most of it actually isn’t anything to do with him – but then today I was just thinking I want things to be better, including being happier. Whether I like it or not, I was happy with him. It’s not him I miss, though. Not at all. Just “memories” of the him I knew. That’s what I miss, you know? It’s almost like I miss a character, that he created – that character was my b/f. He was a fictional character, but he was nice, he was attractive, we had fun together, for the most part. We never argued, even when I had some issues when he was seeming to be a bit aloof, or even that night he said he wasn’t over his ex, it just didn’t bother me – OK it did, but not too much, I still wanted him. I wanted him right up until he said he didn’t want me, even when I felt betrayed when I found out he’d lied, saying he hadn’t talked to his ex when he had. I guess those were the cracks showing, he was “coming out of character”, showing his true colours – an immature, mean, insensitive horrible little boy who shouldn’t really be pretending to be something he isn’t, but then he’d go back into character, we’d laugh together watching our favourite shows, we’d kiss, we’d stay in and have fun and we’d go out and have fun. It was never perfect… but being with him, it just usually seemed to help. It cheered me up. Thinking about it, maybe I made up the character – but he helped by acting like the character, mostly. Even when he left me I wanted him back (at the start), which is stupid, he upset me a lot. I was only with him 3 months, why did he have such an effect on me? I now haven’t seen him for longer than we were together, we’ve been broken up nearly 5 months (it will be in about a week). I met him nearly 8 months ago then. I don’t even know how things would have been if we had stayed together, but there’s no point thinking about what could have been. He stopped pretending to care, he moved on so quickly. I’m the one left behind. I still have good things, I still have my favourite shows, I still can stay in and have fun and go out and have fun (sometimes). Just not with him. Not with the character that one or both of us created for my happiness. If I’m a character in one of my favourite shows (HIMYM) then I feel like Ted, and I feel like he’s Robin (close enough to the name, I guess). It’s not that though, it’s just he has a hard time getting over her, but the differences are huge – they stayed friends, she’s actually a nice person (she just didn’t want to settle down at that time), they were together a year (and friends much longer)... plus I’m not an architect. ha. I’m trying to bring some humour into this though. Because right now, wrong or right, I am just sat here feeling low, confused, not great basically. I need to get myself out of this funk. I need to find a positive way to deal with these feelings, just sitting and wanting to find a time machine, or bring the character back to me, or get lost in imagination – well imagination can be good, I could be creative with it – but it won’t change anything. If, like Scroobius Pip, I could take negativity and make it inspire me – then that would be a positive. Other than that, I could just sit and laugh at my favourite shows, listen to my favourite music, by myself. I’m better than the character anyway. I hope that things will get better. Until then, I just wanted to write. Hoping it would be cathartic in some way.



Avril Lavigne - Forgotten

I’m giving up on everything
Because you messed me up
Don’t know how much you screwed it up
You never listened that’s just too bad

Because I’m moving on, I won’t forget
You were the one that was wrong
I know I need to step up and be strong
Don’t patronize me, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Have you forgotten
Everything that I wanted?
Do you forget it now? You never got it
Do you get it now?

Gotta get away
There’s no point in thinking about yesterday
It’s too late now, it won’t ever be the same
We’re so different now

Have you forgotten
Everything that I wanted?
Do you forget it now? You never got it
Do you get it now?

I know I wanna run away, I know I wanna run away
Run away
If only I could run away, if only I could run away
Run away

I told you what I wanted, I told you what I wanted
What I wanted
But I was forgotten, I won’t be forgotten
Never again

Have you forgotten
Everything that I wanted?
Do you forget it now? You never got it
Do you get it now? Do you get it now?

Have you forgotten
Everything that I wanted?
Do you forget it now? You never got it
Do you get it now?

Have you forgotten
Do you get it now?
Forgotten, yeah, yeah, yeah
Forgotten, yeah, yeah, yeah
Forgotten, yeah, yeah, yeah
Forgotten, yeah, yeah, yeah



Hmm...

I didn’t mean to post that song by Ellie twice!



There's no doubt that I should be ok by now but I'm not there yet

Those are lyrics from the song “Just An Old Boyfriend” by Kaci.

So, it’s been 3 months since he left me. Why am I not over him?

OK I probably am on some level, but even the fact I remembered this proves I’m not completely.

I want to get completely over him, or at least as much as I can. I’m not even sure what’s holding me back really. There are still things that remind me of him or just that time.

Maybe I AM over “him”. I don’t really have any feelings left for him (I don’t think?) but I’m not over how it made me feel at the time, I guess? I was happier, I had fun – maybe it’s just the memories. Then again, I still think of “him”, for example when I’ve been somewhere we went, or when I hear about a favourite band/film/TV show/game etc of his. That doesn’t have to be linked to memories we had and I’ll still think of him sometimes. It’s crazy, but feelings are, I had feelings, even if most of them have gone, something hasn’t yet.

I’ll get there even if it takes me a little longer.



Ellie Goulding - Explosions

You trembled like you’d seen a ghost
And I gave in
I lack the things you need the most
You said where have you been
You wasted all that sweetness to run and hide
I wonder why
I remind you of the days you poured your heart into
But you never tried

I’ve fallen from grace
Took a blow to my face
I’ve loved and I’ve lost
I’ve loved and I’ve lost

Explosions on the day you wake up
Needing somebody and you’ve learned
It’s okay to be afraid
But it will never be the same
It will never be the same

You left my soul bleeding in the dark
So you could be king
The rules you set are still untold to me
And I lost my faith in everything

The nights you could cope
Your intentions were gold
But the mountains will shake
I need to know I can still make

Explosions on the day you wake up
Needing somebody and you’ve learned
It’s okay to be afraid
But it will never be the same

And as the floods move in
And your body starts to sink
I was the last thing on your mind
I know you better than you think
‘Cause it’s simple darling
I gave you a warning
Now everything you own
Is falling from the sky in pieces
So watch them fall with you
In slow motion
I pray that you will find peace of mind
And I’ll find you another time
I’ll love you, another time

Explosions on the day you wake up
Needing somebody and you’ve learned
It’s okay to be afraid
But it will never be the same



Ellie Goulding - Explosions

You trembled like you’d seen a ghost
And I gave in
I lack the things you need the most
You said where have you been
You wasted all that sweetness to run and hide
I wonder why
I remind you of the days you poured your heart into
But you never tried

I’ve fallen from grace
Took a blow to my face
I’ve loved and I’ve lost
I’ve loved and I’ve lost

Explosions on the day you wake up
Needing somebody and you’ve learned
It’s okay to be afraid
But it will never be the same
It will never be the same

You left my soul bleeding in the dark
So you could be king
The rules you set are still untold to me
And I lost my faith in everything

The nights you could cope
Your intentions were gold
But the mountains will shake
I need to know I can still make

Explosions on the day you wake up
Needing somebody and you’ve learned
It’s okay to be afraid
But it will never be the same

And as the floods move in
And your body starts to sink
I was the last thing on your mind
I know you better than you think
‘Cause it’s simple darling
I gave you a warning
Now everything you own
Is falling from the sky in pieces
So watch them fall with you
In slow motion
I pray that you will find peace of mind
And I’ll find you another time
I’ll love you, another time

Explosions on the day you wake up
Needing somebody and you’ve learned
It’s okay to be afraid
But it will never be the same



So...

Today he messaged me again since I’d been ignoring them so I decided to reply, it wasn’t a friendly message though, but we got talking and I decided to pretend to be happy and I asked him some questions but it didn’t really help, and I just feel nothing actually for him, I just think he’s an idiot – but it still hurts because who I thought he was and the good times I can’t forget, and aside from that I have some weird obsession still anyway. It’s not as much as originally, I think generally I AM doing much better, like maybe going a bit longer without thinking about him… but at the same time, I am STILL getting over him, whatever reason that may be. I don’t want him to “win” though, and I know I was obviously too good for him, but, I dunno, it’s still something I am dealing with.



Duffy - Smoke Without Fire

If I’d known you were cheating me
I would have saved myself and set you free
If I learned you weren’t the loving kind
I would have saved some peace of mind

My friends told me you would break my heart
And never last, we would surely part

There’s no smoke without fire
Baby, baby you’re a liar

People talk in this little town
Rumours keep spreading all around
And now word has it you’ve been foolin’ me
I’m so blind that I cannot see

My friends told me never to believe in you
You never loved me you were never true

There’s no smoke without fire
Baby, baby you’re a liar

No there’s no smoke without fire
Baby, baby you’re a liar
You’re a liar
You’re a liar
You’re a liar
Baby you’re a liar

There’s no light without a flame
There’s no use in having you to blame

No
There’s no smoke without fire
Baby, baby you’re a liar
You’re a liar



Ashlee Simpson - I Am Me

What’s she got that I don’t have?
Does she fill those spaces that I’ve left you?
When you wake up every night
Does the scent of regret ever haunt you?

Put this under your skin
‘Cause I am me and I won’t change for anyone
Me and I won’t change for anyone
For anyone like you

Does the weight of consequence
Drag you down until it pulls you under?
Does she lend an eager hand
To save you from the future
Of being with her, are you with her?

Put this under your skin
‘Cause I am me and I won’t change for anyone
Me and I won’t change for anyone
For anyone like you

Why would I, why would I change?
Why would I change?

Put this under your skin
‘Cause I am me and I won’t change for anyone
Me and I won’t change, I won’t change

What’s she got that I don’t have?
What’s she got that I don’t have?



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