[I’ll try hard to make this the last sad, pathetic, ‘who the fuck cares about that, whiney?’ post I make here, promise.]
Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to contribute to anything and that nothing would be different if I wasn’t here, and that the things that I want will never happen and that the people around me know that already and are just humouring me when they say ‘Yeah! That sounds great! I think you could do that!’ Sometimes I think I care more about some people that they do about me and to them I just seen a bit needy and desperate, and I know that’s horribly insecure and awful but it’s true.
I think I’m the second choice, I think I try too hard in places where it doesn’t matter much, I think I waste too much time waiting instead of actually doing, I think I care too much about what people think of me even though I really, really try not to. I’m too honest about the wrong things, I people please, I care too much just…in general, and I’m wasting time and that annoys me. This all annoys me. This is the other Gemma, the irritating 14 year old who wont grow the fuck off and leave happyamazing
Gemma! alone. I’m not like this really, not normally. It just sort of builds up quietly somewhere during those happy
amazing
moments and then something will happen and then it’ll all….crumble, I guess and stuff wont stay IN anymore. I need to try harder to make these ’issues’ and things go away so the 14 year old me will actually fuck off. Bah. I’ve stopped making sense.
I’m very sorry this is all blah and depressing but fuck it, it’s written now and reading this back in the morning should hopefully give me a little kick up the arse to make me go do things. And then I’ll delete it. Probably.
Off to bed now me thinks.
x
Ps. By the way, I think I sort of hate that you know about the cutting x
