feel beautiful

I have been stress eating (read: eating junk) and my skin broke out from major stress recently. However, I started working out again & feel stronger, and I am happier being my own boss (even if it’s been stressful to start). I feel it when I look in the mirror. My skin is clearing again now that the stress has subsided, and I feel happy with my body again. Ultimately, I know it is because I feel more positive about my life. Whenever there are good changes in my life, I feel more beautiful…it’s all in my head.

to something like, “not care about being beautiful”, or “not care about feeling beautiful” or whatever. It’s not really important to be/feel beautiful. There’s so many greater things one can feel & be, right? I don’t know why not feeling beautiful makes me feel bad. I should be like, “who cares!” and move on with life.

I gained 5 lbs….all fat to my butt and tummy.
My face is still weird, and my skin is still gross and greasy. It doesn’t matter how many fabulous clothes I own or pretty pedicures I get, I just feel like a toad.

I was feeling gross over my skin again. Just depressed that it’s breaking out after so much trial & error, & then success..and now error again.
But then I got my hair done and my hairdresser, after peering at my skin quite close-up, told me I had nice skin. Funny how a random comment can make things seem better.
All of a sudden my skin was in perspective again and I realized that at the very least, oily & spotted skin makes me look “young”.

I still wish that my feelings towards myself weren’t so dependent upon others’ reactions…

A year on retin-a and I don’t see the improvement I wanted. My skin is relatively clear, but for all the effort I put in, I don’t feel it is enough. I want to go in public without foundation on & not be mortified at someone seeing me…maybe that is unrealistic…
Back to the dermatologist in a few weeks. Hopefully this new derm will give me a better solution…

Right now, I only feel beautiful when all made up, and I feel like a fake…

today with Jennifer Aniston. It was some crappy movie based entirely around “The Graduate”. I noticed however, that she has a funny mouth, kind of like mine. She has thin lips with a little puffiness underneath and her jawline is square-ish like mine too (not saying I look like her, cuz I don’t at all). But she’s still really pretty, and most people think so also, despite not having the typical “pretty” features. So that made me feel better….it puts my own face in perspective.

I wore a pretty dress, and my hair & makeup looked good with little effort. In fact, I wore minimal makeup & I still felt pretty. I pulled off a natural look without looking boring or un-groomed.
I snapped some photos of the occasion, and they weren’t bad. Funny how when I feel pretty that seems to show in photos too. All of a sudden I am not so un-photogenic. I’m sure it is noticeable in person also.
I still think my face is sort of unusually structured, but I am trying not to think that means it must be ugly….maybe I am just not a cookie cutter kind of beautiful.

and someone let it slip that the first moment he saw me he was bugging his friend to introduce us.
That was nice to hear :)
Next step is not feeling like I’m scaring people away with my demeanor…

I already made an entry about how I dislike certain things about my face, but it is getting to the point where I regard my mouth as abnormal. I saw some family recently & all the girls had pretty mouths & smiles, that were in proportion to their faces. I, meanwhile, have this mouth that is far too small for my face & with this puffiness around it (for lack of a better description)....I start feeling like I’m deformed or something. I know it is irrational, but I see few people with same weird mouth as me. I also feel like if my mouth was different, I might actually be quite pretty (when made up anyway).

I photograph terribly. There are few photos of myself that I can actually tolerate. Most make me want to break down in tears. My mouth is small, thin & ugly & I hate it. My skin is always broken out, oily, with HUGE pores. My chin/jaw is kind of masculine for a woman. I can’t find one magazine photo with a woman who has thin lips that is portrayed as pretty. Nowhere do you see that.
The only thing pretty about my face are my eyes – they are what save me from being homely. That & makeup…