express my feelings freely

This is a tough goal for me. Although I am honest and open about my feelings in my journal pages, I am the of queen of concealment in real life. One cop was trying to recruit me to work as a detective years ago because he thought my poker face personality would make me a good one.

I have to rework on this goal.

When I am honest with myself, I feel shocked at how much negative feelings I have inside. I am a positive person on the outside, but deep down all these negative emotions were piled up there.

My ex financial advisor was a crook. I always told him good things like how much I appreciated his service, how nice a person he was, because I was afraid if he got mad at me, he would commit heinous crimes in my retirement account. My honest feeling was that the guy was a total criminal. His financial advise for me was to not to invest in employer sponsored retirement plan, not to buy a home, put all my extra money into brokerage and have him manage it for me. What a crook.

My boss is a dirty old man. He had no clue that I have been maintaining two coldfusion applications for a year, yet he’s quick to notice that I dropped a few pounds. He paid no attention to my work and career development, but never failed to comment on my body. I smile at him and be nice to him, because I know he’s capable of murdering my family, but deep down I feel “Yuck”.

Most people in this world are nice, but I have to be honest – just one moment of encoutering a disgusting sicko is enough to make me nauseate.

I faced workplace bullying a few years ago. I sought healing through honest expression of my feelings. There were tons of anger, fear, and sadness. Yet when the anger, fear, and sadness faded, I realized I also feel a deep sense of pity, not for myself, but for the abusers.

What sorry existence it must be, having to constantly jealously attack people who they perceive as being better than they are.

I didn’t sleep well last night and the tiredness brought out a range of emotions onto the consciousness. I feel like I have been burying a lot of discontentment, anger, hurt under the calm surface. My conscious mind wants to be happy grateful, but there is a strong negative underground negative current that says I have suffered gross abusiveness, betrayal, hurt. I feel deeply sad and repressed.

I feel deeply angry at some of the people I encountered in the past and forgiveness will not come until I allow myself to acknowledge my anger first. That’s not to say I am going to do them harm, but I need to acknowledge the hideousness of their malice and the resulting harm they have caused. I need to be honest with myself first about the truth of what really happened. Then true forgiveness can come…

It’s a lot easier to express the positive feelings, but the not so good feelings need to be expressed too. Sometimes I simply need to express sorrow, anger, hurt

I have a poker face and I am very logical. Recognizing my own feelings is not an easy task. I often have to wait till a few days later to truly understand how I feel about something.

learn, learn, learn… how do i recognize the feelings right away…

I took a moment to be quiet, to listen to my heart.

Head: Heart, how do you feel? What do you want?

Heart: I feel calm, at peace. I want order. There’s too much chaos in your life right now. You have too much clutter. I’d like to see them go. They belong to the old you. It’s time to shed the old skin to let the new person truly grow.

I’m not very good at expressing my feelings. I tend to go with the left brain and just ignore the emotional stuff. Now I recognize I need to express my feelings more because otherwise they will pile up in my chest and give me muscle cramps and anxiety. I’m not sure how to start, just thought writing an entry in group could be a first step.