love myself

Wow. This a day I never thought I’d have; never thought I’d be healthy enough to have. I’m chasing a dream I really care about and did something today to take me even closer to achieving that dream. I did it with more supportive friends than I’ve ever had and an unsolicited note from my sister. I’ve been fighting all my life to have this day… So amazing.

I had two separate conversations over the last 24 hours which upset me. The first one was with AP when we’re talking about my desire for children and how much I like G. She suggested that I allow myself to get pregnant by him, thereby ensure I have a child and keep him in my life. I felt somewhat appalled by this as it seems dishonest and underhanded although she seemed to think this would be acceptable.

The second was with AK about the job which I chose not to pursue due to lack of long term prospects. She gave me the impression that I should have pursued it even as a temp job for a few months. I’m also uncomfortable with this thought. I’d either go into without complete disclosure (i.e. I’ll be leaving as soon as some thing better comes along) or I’d give them complete disclosure and not get hired.

Now I’m sitting around before bed wondering about this philosophy, to just do what works best for oneself without consideration for others. Is there some give and take in this, a little more for oneself on this side and a little more for the others on that side? Or am I just being an idiot, missing out on life’s best opportunities because I consider people other than myself in my decision making?

right now over not being able to wake up before 9. Grrr. This is a hard one for me. I feel I should be master of my own body by now and getting up at 6 or 7 on a Sunday shouldn’t be an issue. It appears to be so still. This is where I start calling myself lazy and undisciplined. And these labels which are very old are part of the problem. I know now that part of this is the ADHD. That without appointments which other people are invested in, I can’t get up just to get up. I never have been able to do that.

So now I’m hating myself for staying in bed until 9, skipping out on a Meet Up I had scheduled (but was nervous about going to) and not having yet started on my day.

Mk finally made an effort to talk to me today… I’m conflicted because of the amount of time that goes between our conversations and the contents of those conversations. He sent me a message on FB and I stuck to that because he actually seems to listen and think before responding. We actually had a decent conversation for a change.

But now I’m ANGRY. Because… Because of so many things. Because I cared for him and for whatever reason, he’s kept me at a distance. That he’s only used the communications methods he prefers to reach out to me. That he wasn’t there when things went roughly as I left Korea. I know that it wasn’t his responsibility but if he wants a relationship with me, I need to know he’ll be there when I need it. He hasn’t proven that. That he seems to think this is about what’s convenient for him.

So the walls are up. I held my boundaries and did what I needed (which I’m very proud of). And I feel better for speaking my peace. Better yet, I think he actually got it this time. So regardless of what the future holds, I did well today

... in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest, worth making, to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be.
~ Anna Louise Strong

...beat myself up. There have been some things with my sister’s trip that I KNOW I could have done better or more cheaply. Because of this, I’m getting down on myself. My sister knows no difference. She seems to be enjoying herself. I’m just an obsessive perfectionist who always seems to spend more than one has to in completing a project. I’ve made everything work so far and I must remember that it’s all gone well regardless of the hiccups. Just suffering from the ghosts of the past.

“There is no remedy for love but to love more.”
- Henry David Thoreau

to S today. He wasn’t going to be the guy and I think deep down in his gut he really didn’t want to be my guy. I probably could have just let it go for weeks and months, saying little to nothing, and ended it that way, but that’s what D did and it was awful for me. I’m sad as S is a good and sweet man (he even offered that we remain friends). I just needed to love myself more than I loved him and that meant the end.

To be myself. I’m having challenging moments of supervision at work od late and getting lots of advice on how to handle things. Except that everyone is pushing me to do it the way they think its best. And it feels like pushing. I’m standing my ground but it’s wearing me out and given I only have 6 months left, I’m finding out harder and harder to care. Looking for sources of rejuvenation…

Hey, what’s with the not getting out of bed in the morning? Doesn’t that just smack of your mother’s bad behavior? Didn’t we work up a pact years ago about said subject? Didn’t we agree we weren’t going to turn out like her? So what gives? We beat the whole worry about everything issue and that was bigger than this. What’s holding you back?