D sent me an e-mail today… Yep, right out of the blue. We haven’t talked at all in over a year. It appears that a book he bought me for Christmas in 2010 has finally come off back order and been delivered to him. So he’s asking to send it to me.
And his e-mail knocked me sideways, because a lot of what I’ve allowed for with G is due to his persistence in reaching out for me. Now D is reaching back and much of what happened with us is because D often reached out to me even after I told him we were over. All kinds of questions on knocking around inside my head and I’m feeling very doubtful at the moment.
But the biggest question that really haunts me is what if the reaching out, the thing I consider a sign that G (now, and D previously) really cares for me, is really an act of pure selfishness and convenience?
When I last saw my shrink, he hit on something very powerful about how I treat myself. It has to do with not feeling important enough to put myself first and not being a burden on others. Today, when I talked to AK, I realized that those feelings also wall me off from my friends.
You see, I felt guilty the whole time I stayed with her because she paid for so much. I felt like a burden and an imposition. And I felt down because of it. Tonight, when we talked, she only said how nice it was to have someone else around the house.
I know what she means, to not be so lonely. But my guilt overshadowed everything else. So how do I stop it?
Dove, Inc. has been doing a lot of late to fight against the beauty images that have become so common in the US. A few months ago the released a video that actually showed how self-critical women are of themselves (can be seen here). Today, I found this article which tells about Dove’s sneak attack on people who use Photo Shop to “enhance” beauty. I thought it was a rather brilliant social experiment and applaud Dove for attempting to change how society perceives women as beautiful.
I’m getting the impression lately, the for men, my first impression is one of sexuality. I’m actually feeling a lot like Samantha from Sex And The City. I’ve enjoying it over the past few years because it’s something I missed out on when I was in high school and didn’t realize I had going on in college. Plus it’s just nice to be told you’re a very sexy girl. However, I think this is starting to be at odds with my desire to find a romantic relationship and I’m not what to do about that. Or even if I can. So what do I do?
Wow. This a day I never thought I’d have; never thought I’d be healthy enough to have. I’m chasing a dream I really care about and did something today to take me even closer to achieving that dream. I did it with more supportive friends than I’ve ever had and an unsolicited note from my sister. I’ve been fighting all my life to have this day… So amazing.
I had two separate conversations over the last 24 hours which upset me. The first one was with AP when we’re talking about my desire for children and how much I like G. She suggested that I allow myself to get pregnant by him, thereby ensure I have a child and keep him in my life. I felt somewhat appalled by this as it seems dishonest and underhanded although she seemed to think this would be acceptable.
The second was with AK about the job which I chose not to pursue due to lack of long term prospects. She gave me the impression that I should have pursued it even as a temp job for a few months. I’m also uncomfortable with this thought. I’d either go into without complete disclosure (i.e. I’ll be leaving as soon as some thing better comes along) or I’d give them complete disclosure and not get hired.
Now I’m sitting around before bed wondering about this philosophy, to just do what works best for oneself without consideration for others. Is there some give and take in this, a little more for oneself on this side and a little more for the others on that side? Or am I just being an idiot, missing out on life’s best opportunities because I consider people other than myself in my decision making?
right now over not being able to wake up before 9. Grrr. This is a hard one for me. I feel I should be master of my own body by now and getting up at 6 or 7 on a Sunday shouldn’t be an issue. It appears to be so still. This is where I start calling myself lazy and undisciplined. And these labels which are very old are part of the problem. I know now that part of this is the ADHD. That without appointments which other people are invested in, I can’t get up just to get up. I never have been able to do that.
So now I’m hating myself for staying in bed until 9, skipping out on a Meet Up I had scheduled (but was nervous about going to) and not having yet started on my day.
Mk finally made an effort to talk to me today… I’m conflicted because of the amount of time that goes between our conversations and the contents of those conversations. He sent me a message on FB and I stuck to that because he actually seems to listen and think before responding. We actually had a decent conversation for a change.
But now I’m ANGRY. Because… Because of so many things. Because I cared for him and for whatever reason, he’s kept me at a distance. That he’s only used the communications methods he prefers to reach out to me. That he wasn’t there when things went roughly as I left Korea. I know that it wasn’t his responsibility but if he wants a relationship with me, I need to know he’ll be there when I need it. He hasn’t proven that. That he seems to think this is about what’s convenient for him.
So the walls are up. I held my boundaries and did what I needed (which I’m very proud of). And I feel better for speaking my peace. Better yet, I think he actually got it this time. So regardless of what the future holds, I did well today
... in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest, worth making, to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be.
~ Anna Louise Strong
...beat myself up. There have been some things with my sister’s trip that I KNOW I could have done better or more cheaply. Because of this, I’m getting down on myself. My sister knows no difference. She seems to be enjoying herself. I’m just an obsessive perfectionist who always seems to spend more than one has to in completing a project. I’ve made everything work so far and I must remember that it’s all gone well regardless of the hiccups. Just suffering from the ghosts of the past.