find myself

I think it takes a lifetime to find oneself

i mean,, i’m always changing.. just when i think i’ve figured myself,, bamm! something else happens and throws me off course.. spinning blindly toward some new realisation / destination

lost in space

i guess we all are really.. ever asking,, ever changing.. I asked my brother what things defined him and he said football,, movies and work.. nothing else interests him.. so is that the culmination of him? Is it those three things that make him the man he is? Or is he the man he is from every experience that’s affected him to the date.. i think so.. i think we’re already ourselves.. from day one we’re ourselves.. and it’s in ourselves to continue changing.

Who am i? Right now? A guy who plays guitar to get laid.. A guy who goes to the gym to look good so he can get laid.. A guy who has broken his balls to earn a teaching place only to find more and more people standing in his way,, blocking his career path,, and another chance to get laid… just another guy who wants to get laid… and i guess i’m cool with that

This morning I drove to the gym for some aerobic exercise,, just some ‘power rowing’ and cycling,, my arms were well pumped afterwards,, my legs somewhat…

I guess I was still in the zone as I passed through the changing room doors and not focusing properly,,.. Anyway,, I went to my locker and saw the lock was missing,, i opened the door,, and there was no bag inside…. Damn !!!

I immediately thought about what was inside;; my adidas sneakers,, my ralph lauren perfumes,, my spare towel,, a few other things…. Then,, I just let them go…. “Nothing important” ,, I rationalized.. Then I remembered I’d put my stuff in a different locker this time…

I guess I learned that I’m able to let things go very easily,, superficial things anyway,, and i think that’s an important philosophy for anyone really,, I also learned that memory loss at 23 is a sign of growing old and that getting old can really suck when it starts to play games with your MIND !! :)

I don’t much think I’m a musician anymore…. I used to think that someday maybe I’d be good enough on guitar to write some really decent riffs…. experienced enough to write some really decent lyrics…. but the closer i got to achieving my dream the less i wanted it

Music was always a way of dealing with my depression and anxiety…. it was a means to console…. i used to dream about sitting on stage and singing my lungs out…. partly as a means to respect…. partly as a means to meet people

i’ve been on stage…. i’ve sat at open mikes…. and it was a buzzzZ lemme tell ya…. i had some good times through it…. even built a relationship from it…. but the older i get the less i feel the need to get up there and place myself in the centre of attention

i love music… i love singing… but i think i’ve grown out of that musician persona