be open to love

Today I got to thinking about my mother, and how much she missed out on when she walked out on us.

&Then it hit me that; everytime I let someone walk away .. I’m missing out.

And I refuse to end up like that- solving problems means running away. I wont run from love.

I’ve gotten to the point where I have a shutter heart on my sleave.
I’m opening up to the possibility a lot more frequantly now, but as soon as they do the slightest thing wrong, or act uninterested I write them off and hold a vendetta.
But it’s something, and I’m trying.

That’s all I can ask for.

I’d like love,
but I’m scared of love.

I dont know if I could handle it, I think that I would throw it away even if I had it here, staring me in the face.

I think that everyone has to go through certain events in their life before becoming suceptiable to real honest to God love.

And though I may be open to the idea, I turn because I know I am not ready for it.

Is this an excuse or is it real?

I understand now that my biggest fear is letting someone in- because people will always fail you.

At some point.

But hopefully this acknowledgement will lead to acceptance, & with that to being open.

I hope. I dont want to be alone for the rest of my life.

I’m just tired of making things work.
& I’m tired of wondering; it’s so hard to make it work because it’s ‘love’ and love is hard work, or it’s hard work because it’s not meant to be.

I’m not even sure if I want to be the kind of person who’s in love anymore.

I find myself thinking ‘oh wouldn’t it be cute if so-so and I got together?... but no that would be too much work.’

I’m young, I have forever- right?
Idunno. I’m just tired.

1) try.
2) get out there
3) dont test them with lies and games, because the type of man that i want will be the type of man that walks away when i say ‘oh by the way, i’m seeing someone.’ therefore defeating the whole point.