trust someone completely

I watched a boy kiss a girl today and thought,
who do I love?
who do I trust?
The sad truth is that I really have pushed everyone away, and that’s not a PMS induced/feeling down thought- it’s the truth.

How do you make friends?
Outside of work?

The other day I told my friend, that she was the only person I could ever trust, she’s the only person I ever call when I feel upset. I never mention that I’m upset- but the point is that I call her.

She asked me why, and I said because she’s the only person who I that I have (knowingly)ever hurt. And she forgave me. I am indebt to her and I owe her my trust. She never knew I felt that way, hell I didn’t even.

I also told her why I stopped a realtionship with one of my friends; because she wasn’t the person I needed her to be, as with all my failed realtionships. I’ve never told anyone that.

But lately I keep imagining that’s she betrayed my trust.
I think I see my friend that I stopped talking to smirk at me as though she knows how deeply she has wounded me. I imagine her telling everyone that I’m a fool and love too hard. I imagine her whispering and laughing behind my back despite the fact that I’ve known her for years… and I dont think she’d do something like that.

I cant believe that I’ve gotten so mistrusting
that I can’t trust when myself to trust.

I’m not asking so much to trust someone completely.
I just want to be able to trust someone, anyone, at all.

But I have this fear that I wont be able to get over my fear. That I’ll spend forever shooting myself in the foot because I can’t let anyone, not even a friend, in.

But it gets so tiring defending yourself against the whole world. I need to do this.

Who do you trust?
and how do you start?