Have a baby

I am beginning to get obsessed with this goal. I was wearing a shirt the other day, thinking, “if I get pregnant, this shirt stretches enough, I’ll still be able to wear it for awhile.” It’s on my mind, like that, constantly. “If I have a baby…” “If I get pregnant…” My room mate is convinced she’s pregnant, and I really hope she is because she’s been trying longer than I have, but I’ll still be a little jealous if it’s true. I don’t want to wait. I want to be pregnant NOW.

I saw a baby in the grocery store the other day. I said something like, “aww, cute baby.” My boyfriend said, “We can’t buy one of those here.” I said, “Yeah, I know, but I still want one.” and he said, “I know. We’re getting there.” That made all my hopes sore. Is it wrong that I don’t know wether or not I want to marry him and tie myself to him for life, but I do know I want his baby, wether we stay together or not? I don’t know why I feel that way, but I do.

My boyfriend confuses me. For awhile, I figured he must have lied to me when he said he wanted kids, because he frequently calls kids “expensive pets”, and if we see a kid crying or throwing a fit, he’ll look at me all skeptically and say, “you WANT one of those?”

So I finally had “the talk”. I told him I felt like we want totally different things. I want to get married, he doesn’t. I want kids, he doesn’t. I want a house, he wants an apartment. I want to live in a clean environment, he doesn’t care if there’s piles of junk everywhere, and, in fact, seems to like it that way.

After I voiced my concerns, he told me he’s not against marraige, he does want kids, we can figure out the “house vs. apartment” thing later, and he’s not going to clean. I felt like he hadn’t heard a word I’d said, but the next day, my room mate told me that while they were out job hunting, he said something along the line, “I need to get a better job, because Peeglet wants to get married and have kids…I need to start cleaning too.” I cried when she told me he’d said that. I only hope he means it.

I know it might seem almost unreasonable, considering my current financial and emotional situation, but I’d really love to get pregnant. I want a baby so much. I have always known I need to be a mother. I will not be complete without at least one child. I’ve known that since I was a child, myself, but I’ve always said, “not yet.” “I’m not ready yet.” “We don’t have enough money right now.” and my maternal clock is finally reaching that point where none of that seems to matter anymore. I want one now, I don’t care if it’ll be hard. We’ll manage. We always do.