recover from anorexia

so tired of this… 20 laxies in 2 days…

I thought I was making progress, but then my best friend’s dad died… I can’t even go home to be with her… Since i’m in a dorm out of state, home is 11.5 hours away… I could drive, but my favorite person in the world doesn’t think I can… doesn’t think I can physically handle it… She’s probably right… Since Friday, the most my caloric intake has been is around 500 cals… I was losing weight anyway… this just makes it so much worse… I feel so helpless, She wants me there with her and I can’t go…
I did find one of our friends to go to the funeral with her, but… I mean there’s nothing I can do… It’s all out of my control… I hate this… I hate recovery…

i’m not sure if everyone will understand, but this isn’t something you just snap out of. everytime i try to get out of this i fall right back… i want to be loved…