Tell God Everything

You who knows everything, you know already, but I’ll tell you again anyway.

Dear God, you know already, you know what the issues are. What they were. Who was hurt.

You know what she endured, all the anger, the lies she told, the lies that were told that she couldn’t control. Her hatred of her self, her hatred of her very body, her desire to outwardly scar because her inner self was so badly tormented.

You know. You know. You know. You know. You know her very core. You know how brave she was, to have gone through all of that. No one would choose that unless they deeply had, at that core, a desire? need? obligation? a some word I do not have, but you understand – a sacred need, to see something completed.

She is not me, but her story, the life she lived, put my life into a binding. I do not ask for the binding’s release. I do not ask for the binding to be even loosened. Can I ask to have move the binding into a different spot, allow air and light to heal where it has been tightly wound?

Dear God, you who know all, know this story. You know her agony. You know her life. Dear God, you know who she was. You know. You know. You know.

Thank you for the awareness of your angel.

Thank you for what she did for me last night.

Thank you for your loving protection.

Thank you.

You!
Where I go: You!
Where I stand: You!
Just You. Again You. Always You!
You! You! You!
When it goes well with me: You!
When it goes wrong with me: You!
Just You. Again You. Always You!
You! You! You!
Heaven: You!
Earth: You!
Up: You!
Down: You!
Where I turn at every end: You!
Just You. Again You. Always You!
You! You! You!

Last night I couldn’t sleep, so I was up at midnight, reading journal entries where I told God everything. It isn’t like God doesn’t know these things, anyway, no matter how I choose to define “God”. But being just bald-faced honest about everything…man.

There was one where I wrote things I felt ashamed of. Some of these things I have, am working to change. And some were secret confessions…”man” on that, too.

Reb Nachman of Breslov said to tell God everything. I am going to take this advice as a goal.

I don’t believe in a God “out there”. I believe in God “in here”. For me to tell God everything could be rephrased as, “be completely authentic to [or “with”] myself”. I thought of adopting that goal instead, because it side-steps the God language. But I thought it would be more powerful to use Nachman’s phrasing instead.

And really, how can I be authentic with other people, if I can’t first be true with myself?