Have a totally different life by this time next year

this is going to be finished in the 77 days I have left in my challenge. Sighs If I can get it done in the next 6 months, I’ll be very happy.

I have decided to put in bold the ones I have not yet responded to, so that I can come back and respond to them later. I am too tired and in too much of a hurry to do them all just yet.

18. To have the Pool cleaned and patched up- Well….no. We took it down for the moment. It was an above ground pool, but we did have one end that went deeper, which means we had a slant dug out in the ground. We filled that up and I mentioned putting the pool back up without the slant, since it was never really an even slant anyway- more of a cross between a slant and a hole. She never objected. So, we might do that. Of course if I move out and they say I can have a pool put up there, I’d like to do that if I can. I think the liner might need patching, though. I hope it’s okay.

19. Health insurance- This isn’t going to happen for awhile.

20. To explore my spirituality- I don’t know. I think I’ve been letting my spiritual side go lately.

21. I swear, I think I’m LESS confident.

22. To continue to gather knowledge, exercise my brain, and learn new skills- To some degree, but not nearly as much as I could be, should be, or want to be.

23. To celebrate my inner child, but develop and nurture my mature, adult side as well- I don’t know how done this really is. It certainly isn’t done enough.

24. I don’t have more energy really. Yet, my sister says I do seem more fidgity. I’ve gotten into dancing and exercising more, so even when I’m fairly stationary, I like to move around more. So, I sway, I bounce, or whatever else I can do to move around a bit. I still don’t feel really energetic, though.

25. To be able to cook at least decently well- Well, still not where I want to be, but I have tried cooking some since this and explored with a new recipe recently. I didn’t care a lot for it, but at least now I know it’s something I don’t want in my recipie box.

26. To improve my relationships with family, friends and pets and spend more quality time with them- Needs improvement.

27. To make some new friends, but keep the old ones (and it would be beyond nice to get any of the lost ones back)

28. To overcome my problem with procrastination or at least improve it- UGH, Failing miserably.

29. To manage my anger better- You know….maybe a little. Maybe.

30. To get involved in some more hobbies I’ve been interested in, but haven’t tried and take some old ones back up or get more involved in current ones

31. To be more able to tell my therapist what I feel like saying

32. To become more involved in some social things to make more friends, engage in hobbies, etc. This doesn’t have to be something I’d consider stressful. It could be something like a small ghost hunters club or a similar small, fun group.- I actually contacted a ghost hunters club recently and need to email them back. If I understood the email correctly, they basically said they’d like to have me. Also, I joined an activist group.

33. To feel independent- Needs a LOT of work.

34. Healthier hair- Not really.

35. Healthier nails- Not really.

36. To be in the habit of doing kegels regularly- No. It’s sporadic.

37. To be at a point where I can at least stand myself- Only because of the numbness.

38. To master the art of completion- HAHA.

39. To be able to kiss someone again and actually enjoy it/feel comfortable with it like I used to. I’m starting to miss it.

Anyway, the ones in bold are ones that I would have to put thought into answering and I don’t have the energy or time at the moment. I’ll come back here and do it tonight.

1. I still don’t have a job. I could have had one as a math tutor, but I was feeling weighed down by other stuff and also doubting my abilities. I know- I should have done it. I am going to try to find a job after this semester, though- even if it’s just a part time job or odd jobs.

2. I am back in college and doing well in some classes, but I slacked in others, which sucks. I am dissapointed in myself. I hope I can salvage those classes and this semester.

3. I told the people at school I wanted a double major in English and Psych, but I’m still kind of confused about what to do.

4. Well, I own a home and am getting it fixed up, but I really want to live farther away from my family. I love them, but I want privacy and independence. I feel like I can’t have that if I’m living in a house someone gave me- no matter how much I appreciate it- nor if I’m living right next door to my family. I want to keep the house since I like it and it was my grandmother’s, but I feel like I need some time to prove to myself that I can do things for myself and independent of my family’s help- and I want to establish my independence so that if I did move into that house someday, my privacy and automony would be more respected. My friend wants to move out together, so maybe if I get a job, she’ll move with me and help pay the bills. She says she’s found a few local places for $250 a month. Housing is sometimes cheap around here, because the people here are largely a poor group.

5. I contacted one of the companies about bills, but they acted like I likely couldn’t downsize the bill and there is no way I could pay what they want. I mean, I couldn’t- even with a full time job, I’d be unable to fully support myself and pay them what they want. I told them so. Still an issue, huh?

6. To be helping out in the world more and to be more involved in causes and charities I care about- I have been a bit more active, but I still feel very dissapointed in myself as I feel I am not doing nearly enough. So, I consider this still not done.

7. I’m not fit, yet, but I am exercising finally! I slacked off lately, though, but I’m gonna get right back into it!

8. A car- Not yet, but I have some money saved up to go towards it.

9. To have sentimental stuff protected or/and backed up/copied- I did start on it, but I need to buckle down, since it’s FAR from half way finished.

10. To be writing regularly- I am writing fairly often, but I’d like to see more of it….as well as better writing.

11. To have a satisfying sex life- I’m still celibate, but I’m not sure how much I care at this exact second.

12. To have my grandmother’s auto-biography published- No, but this is very important. I need this done by this Summer, at LEAST.

13. To have the problem with my ears fixed (and maybe other minor health probs.)- Not really. They got a lot better for awhile, but not completely better and now they are acting up just a wee tad. Also, my stomach and digestive problems are starting to concern me.

14. I have not contacted my father or his family. In a way I feel like I should, but part of me is really nervous about contacting them, and I can’t contact my younger sister without contacting dad. I doubt he would let me talk to her, nor do I think he would talk to me unless cornered. I do need closure and explanations, but would he even give me any explanation- let alone an honest one? I don’t know if I should speak to him or not.

15. To take my old navel piercing out and possibly re-pierce it after it heals, since it seems to have rejected on me and isn’t deep enough right now.- It’s out, but it has been pierced so long that the healing is slow and the hole hasn’t grown up.

16. My skin is as bad as ever. Yet, while it still needs help help, I found a nice primer and foundation that makes the skin on my face appear less hideous when I’m wearing it, at least.

17. To have something to cover this jacked up tattoo- Nada. I tried dermablend and it failed. Some people say it works for them, but it didn’t for me and my tattoo. Next up is colortration as soon as I can buy some.

on here. Two people had a list about changing their lives in thirty days. I thought the idea was awesome, so I made my own version of it with goals that suited me. So, if I can achieve these goals in 30 days it’ll help this goal here out, too. I love the concept, but can I- or will I- do it?

Of what I wanted to improve. I’ve done basically nothing to improve any of it. This has to end now and once and for all, or my life does, one or the other. So here are the things I listed and how I have tried to improve them, or more likely, how I want to try and improve them. I realized this is going to be huge, so I’m doing it in multiple posts/sectioning it up.

First Set-

1. A job (prob. full time)-

Have done basically nothing. I asked a girl who was working at one place if they had openings and she said she thought they were filled up till after summer. I’m going to try to fill out a BUNCH of job applications with this upcoming week. There’s my goal on this for now. Really, the goal is to get the job, but this is a mini-goal. I did start filling one application out. I didn’t finish it because I realized I don’t know what hours I can’t work as I haven’t tried to apply for school and fix a schedule. I have to figure that out first.

Mini Goal- Apply for a lot of jobs this week

2. To be back in college and doing well-

Time is QUICKLY running out to return for next semester. Can’t believe Summer is this close to over. Oh, I’m stressed. Okay, I haven’t done my financial aid. I need to do that within the next couple of days. I’ll try tonight, but I think I need another PIN number sent to me, so it may take a couple of days. Then, I need to apply to a college. I’m thinking of going to this one local college. I’ll prob. just see if I can go there. I also need to check out some loan places to see if I can even do this.

Mini Goal- Try to apply for the FAFSA tonight. Apply for college within the next couple of days. Check out loan companies within the week.

3. To have a major picked out-

Considered a few things including marine biology, English, and psychology. Still haven’t decided. I love the water and would like to work with marine animals, but I think maybe I’ll just keep my goals (not on this change my life list) of scuba diving and being a mermaid, plus swim for a hobby as I do already, and possibly volunteer later to work with those animals or something. English and psychology are majors I can use anywhere, but marine biology requires I am near water. Besides, English is my best subject. However, I want to be a writer, not a teacher, and being a writer may not pay my bills very steadily. I’m thinking of majoring in Psych. and getting a minor in English….or maybe even doing a double major. I don’t want to overwhelm myself, though. As for psychology, I’m worried because I don’t know how I’d deal with people who are rapists, child molesters, etc. I couldn’t stomach that well. My friend says I should be a sex therapist, but I don’t know how much medical knowledge is needed for that. Anyone have any ideas?

Mini Goal- Actually, I am not going to stress over this. I‘ll go back with a major in English or psychology, or a double major. If I major in psych, I still want to minor in English. I can change it later if I really change my mind. We could call this half way done. I‘m just not sure what I want to do.

4. To be living on my own (or with a roommate)-

I haven’t worked on this. The job has to come first. The closest I’ve come to working on this is as follows- My cousin says she’d like to move in together. I said good deal. I have to wait for her to get a job though, and also for me to get one. Also, I have a place I could live in, but it needs repairs and it is right next to my mother. I kind of want to be farther away. I love her, but I want some more privacy and independence.

Mini Goal- Before I get this job I can still be looking around for a place of the appropriate size, in a good location, with a decent price, that allows pets.

5. To have a pay back plan figured out with the companies I owe money to (one I’m comfy with)-

I actually went to get something to prove I couldn’t get a medical card or assistance like that to help prove to the people I owed the money to that I wasn’t eligible for help, but I never sent it. I’m seriously mentally messed up. I need to go back, get a new one saying I’m not eligible now and wasn’t then, either, then have it FAXED in, so I know it will get done. If I wait to mail it, it’ll be less likely to happen. Then I’m calling the people and telling them I do not have a job, I’m looking for one, but when I get it, I’ll be making somewhere around minimum wage prob. and will need most of that to live on. I cannot pay what they want, but I’ll suggest some low payment so I can start paying. I’ll be paying till I’m dead.

Mini Goal- To have this taken care of within the next couple of days.

P.S. On my comp., after I publish something, it shows all the apostrophes as a bunch of symbols on 43things, but it doesn’t show up this way in the entry box, or the “edit your entry” box or the preview. What is up with this?

I want hair extensions. Not permanent ones, but temporary, changeable ones. My hair is very fine and somewhat thin. The fine texture makes it look even thinner. It has no body. I just realized tonight after reading an old entry that George wrote about purple hair, that extensions sound like a wonderful idea for me.

I want the temporary ones you can change out, so it’ll be healthier for my hair, easier to clean, I can switch colors, etc. I figure doing this could allow me to have different hair colors without worrying about bleaching my hair out to get the color I want, more versatility in style (can change the colors or colored streaks more often), and hopefully it’ll make it look thicker and more full of body, as well.

Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed looking at a list like the one I have under this goal, or going through it in my head. There seems so much to do and I just don’t like the idea of doing it individually, but tonight I feel more energized mentally. Suddenly, doing all of this stuff, even at once doesn’t seem so overwhelming. Well, some of it is frightening and overwhelming in and of itself, but most of it does not seem so right now.

The main thing that makes me nervous is the thought of going back to college. I feel so stupid lately. Plus, on top of that, I dread going back to the school I know I need to. I have to talk to people to gain permission to go back to this school due to past problems and confrontation always makes me so nervous. Also, there are other things about going back to this particular college makes me nervous on top of me just feeling increasingly stupid, anyway.

I feel energized tonight, but it’s a nervous energy and since it’s night time, it’s just going to be wasted. Most of the things I need to do have to be done during the normal waking hours of most folk. I am afraid my energy will dissipate by the morning, but I don’t want to go to bed. I’m wired mentally, though not physically. I want to stay wired. I want to get even more wired. I need this energy to drive me, but I rarely have it. What will give me more energy?

Seriously….if things don’t get dramatically better by the time I’m 25 (mid November), or by next Summer (not this one, but next one), I don’t know if I’m going to want to go on.

1. A job (prob. full time)
2. To be back in college and doing well
3. To have a major picked out
4. To be living on my own (or with a roommate)
5. To have a pay back plan figured out with the companies I owe money to (one I’m comfy with)
6. To be helping out in the world more and to be more involved in causes and charities I care about
7. To be fit
8. A car
9. To have sentimental stuff protected or/and backed up/copied
10. To be writing regularly
11. To have a satisfying sex life
12. To have my grandmother’s auto-biography published
13. To have the problem with my ears fixed (and maybe other minor health probs.)
14. To have contacted my dad and sisters
15. To take my old navel piercing out and possibly re-pierce it after it heals, since it seems to have rejected on me and isn’t deep enough right now.
16. Healthier, more attractive skin
17. To have something to cover this jacked up tattoo
18. To have the Pool cleaned and patched up
19. Health insurance
20. To explore my spirituality
21. To be more confident
22. To continue to gather knowledge, exercise my brain, and learn new skills
23. To celebrate my inner child, but develop and nurture my mature, adult side as well
24. More energy
25. To be able to cook at least decently well
26. To improve my relationships with family, friends and pets and spend more quality time with them
27. To make some new friends, but keep the old ones (and it would be beyond nice to get any of the lost ones back)
28. To overcome my problem with procrastination or at least improve it
29. To manage my anger better
30. To get involved in some more hobbies I’ve been interested in, but haven’t tried and take some old ones back up or get more involved in current ones
31. To be more able to tell my therapist what I feel like saying
32. To become more involved in some social things to make more friends, engage in hobbies, etc. This doesn’t have to be something I’d consider stressful. It could be something like a small ghost hunters club or a similar small, fun group.
33. To feel independent
34. Healthier hair
35. Healthier nails
36. To be in the habit of doing kegels regularly
37. To be at a point where I can at least stand myself
38. To master the art of completion
39. To be able to kiss someone again and actually enjoy it/feel comfortable with it like I used to. I’m starting to miss it.

There’s more I’m sure, but that’s a start.

My life is in the dumpster. No, really it is. I mean, it could be a whole lot worse and it’s not hell on Earth, but it’s not worth much as is.

Let’s see, where shall I begin, friends? Should I start with school, relationships, debts, fitness, career, or what?

I’m a chronic screw up and a chronic procrastinator. My life has passed me by. While some things are better than they used to be, other things have gotten progressively worse. In some ways, I think other points in my life were worse, but in other ways, I feel like I’ve hit an all time low. I seriously want to die sometimes. I feel selfish and bad for saying it, but part of me does.