Fall in love

I mean, I’m not even looking for a love life. Im honestly right now trying to make some good guy friends, because guy friends are really cool, and there are some things that a guy friend is better for. Dudes aren’t as complicated…or at least the ones I know. I currently have no crush to fantasize over and I’m pretty darn sure no one likes me. But you never know with things like love, it comes when you least expect it.
One good song about love: “When Did You Fall” by Chris Rice.

I dont think I’ve mentioned this (not that I really need to), but I would really like it if the person I fall in love with loves me too. Just thought I’d add that.
Someone on this site told me not to fall in love with the idea of being in love. I think I did. Earlier this year, when my friend was dating this guy, I really started getting into it. Love was all I could think about, dream about, and write about. I was like obsessed. I’m over that now. Thank God. It was pretty annoying, but I couldn’t help it. Now i see things more clearly, for what they are, and what they lack.

The love of teenage fantasies and the love of reality are two different things. The love that you get sweet, little forwards about is the can’t eat, can’t sleep kind of feeling. It’s the kind of love when you kiss in the rain in the middle of a parking lot. Love isn’t that simple, it isn’t that perfect. And real love is so much deeper. It’s the kind of love I hope to find, although I will probably have to go trough the other type first. I’d be worth it, right?

Well, it looks like my mom is trying to keep me from accomplishing this goal until I am in 12th grade or I move out. Not that she can stop me from finding true love, but how will I do that if I can’t date till I’m practically out of the house? I was hoping that they would let me date once I turn 16, but, no. It’s complicated. Which isn’t that bad, I guess, but high school is full of relationships, and while all my friends will have boyfriends, I won’t. I just really want a guy friend. That would be ok. All the benefits of a male friend minus the drama of a full fledged relationship. But that probably means I won’t have my first kiss until I am in college. Maybe this is a sign. I’m not supposed to fall in love while I am in high school. Like I said before it will happen when it’s supposed to, it’s just that I always imagined my first love to be my high school sweetheart. I guess that’s my main problem. My love will be waiting for me on the other side of the real world. I will wait too.

How: be open to let love into my life. Love others, too. Other than that, I don’t think it’s really in my hands.
When: I wish to experience true love sometime in this life, but I have no idea when. My sister told me that our hearts are the same age, so whether I’m 16 or 60, I can love with the same heart (just not the same mind). I will fall in love when I’m supposed to.

I was really bored, and Ive been feeling a little sensitive lately (a freaking Lifetime romance made me cry. Yeah, that’s how bad it is). Anyway, I decided to look at a WikiHow discussion of how to define love. I saw a lot of things ranging from: “Love is sex” to “How would I define love? With the name of my lover.” And a whole lot of ” Love is hard to define, you cant say it with words.” and all that. One person said something about defining love by other people’s standards. And I realized that is what I do. I try to define everything, and since I don’t know how love feels, I can only listen, and remember. I listen to the books I read, and the movies I see and my best friend. I shouldn’t be looking for what to search for in a relationship though! I have to do it on my own. I have to live by my motto. “Expect nothing. Embrace everything.” The only problem is, I don’t have anyone to embrace right now.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t know the difference anymore, between love and infatuation. And maybe I should stop trying to analyze everything so much and go with the flow, it still bothers me that I don’t know. Movies and TV shows and even some books convey infatuation to be love, and now I’m not really sure which is which. Not that I’m experiencing either, but still. They are so different and love is so much more important an I worry that when I get here, I will mistake infatuation for love, and get hurt.

I think it takes courage to love someone. You have to take the risk of being in pain, because anyone can hurt you, even when they don’t mean to, and if you love them, it hurts that much worse. And love takes sacrifice and strength and time and energy and a heart. But in the end, just to feel that way about someone, I think makes it all worthwhile.