pass the bar

Four weeks to the day I found out I passed, I got my dream job. God happens

I missed it by 10 points. Fuck!

Random thoughts:

This week is do or die. I’ve been thinking about it. People keep reminding me.

I see it as a win-win situation. Either I pursue an art career with zeal of a motorcycle racer zooming toward the finish line and don’t look back or I face the challenge of dealing in an industry I find stifling but legitimizing none the less. There’s good in both.

I feel like I’ve been praying so hard for this that the outcome is a clear sign. God is in the details here for sure.

I plan to party Thur. and Friday no matter what. By coincidence, I have a couple of fun things lined up. At this point, I just want to get past this. So many of my decisions are based on this outcome.

It’s either a ticket in or a ticket out.

I definitely plan to wait until i get home from work. I can’t imagine being able to concentrate.

I have a date on Friday so that’ll be nice.

The results should be coming out on a Friday in November starting with the 13th.

I’m really nonchalant about it at this point. I just want peace in my career and endeavors.

I had my second “negative” dream concerning this goal. I have forcing myself not to contemplate alternatives to passing since I believe this is not showing faith.

However, I came up with teaching English in Asia if this were to happen. I just would want to be out of here. I think I’m sort of done with being the super responsible person that makes wise decisions and tries to get ahead.

Where has that gotten me? I mean really. I am the most unconventional person I know. I guess I don’t mean that in a good way.

Here is where I’m at: life is life and is meant to be lived. You never know when your time is up. The best laid plans are folly.

Anyway, I have promised myself that I will NOT make any big decisions until 11/30 no matter what.

I am startiing to feel massive anxiety of the results. As usual, A LOT hinges on this. It’s really a mater of direction. I will definitely be coming to a fork in the road.

I may end up working for a law firm which is a complete about face! I haven’t been dealing with it well. On the one hand, I would be really grateful for this whole mess to work out.

On the other hand, art is my passion and I will have a hole in my heart if I don’t pursue it.

Of course, being me, I’ll to do both. But the law is a jealous mistress. Already I’ve been working over 40 hours a week and I’m just temping. It really demands a lot of your time. Anytime you plan to go away, you have to be prepared to change your plans or have a damn good reason, that you have to defend, on why you can’t stay.

I remember when I did work for a firm and I had plans to go to London. I thought it would look good to go to work in the morning since the flight wasn’t until the evening.

My boss was miliseconds away from telling me thaat I needed to stay. It was like, the works were rolling around his tongue. I lost all of my color and stopped breathing.

This is raising its ugly head. I might be able to work at a law firm.

Definitely going to stop adding entries but I have to report that I stopped breathing in my sleep yesterday. Yeah. That’s happened before but only due to stress. The funny thing is that the exam was already over! I stopped breathing and then opened my eyes to catch my breath. What was the first thing I saw? A Barbri book. I surprised I didn’t just completely drop dead.

Then, this morning, completely randomly, I realized that I forgot to check on the MBE if there was a dispute for Evidence questions having to do w/ settlement statements!

Anyway, I think I am finally getting back on track. I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about art.

I am trying to clear a goal so I can write about that.

I forgot to make a comment about the actual exam. The first thing to say is that it showed its sadistic flair immediately. The first essay was Commercial Paper. The whole room quaked immediately.

Some of us were lucky and had studied it anyway, even though it was on the last test. Never go by predictions. No one REALLY knows.

There is a new website that gives a lot of coaching to bar candidates. I think the Examiners are rebelling. Let them win! They will win! We’re all being punished because of this website.

The essays are no longer in alphabetic order. That was a gift. Now Wills is in the morning. Horror!

What else can I report on? The MPT. The exercise in impossibility. It’s almost you have to become a clown to read, write and examine that quickly. A newsreporter preparing for a show.

Have I forgotten to thank God? Praise God.

Difficult to describe the release I feel. I’m just glad it’s over (of course).

No more supplements or watching what I eat. Immediately after the test I bought two unrelated snacks…just two random snacks – just for the hell of it.

This morning I had cake and now I’m eating pita chips.

It’s hard not to think about it…

What will I do with my life now?

I have to find a new goal to write under. And that’s the least of it. If that were my biggest problem.

{Sigh}

I think that goal shall be: “To Face Fear With Faith.”