Create the life I want to live

with B on Sunday and realised that, as much as there are things I hate about going out to work, there is still a lot of value to be had from the day-job (beyond the obvious money, of course!) I have a lot of skills and quite a bit of experience and responsibility now, if I wanted to go on and craft an office-based career it would be quite easy (and I suppose I have to be prepared for this as the ultimate reality for survival…) The jury’s still out on whether I actually want to jack it all in completely. There’s something comforting about living up to other people’s standards, jumping other people’s hoops and getting progressively rewarded for it.

On the other hand, I know I have big problems with this job in particular and in some ways am unsuited for office jobs in general – working for myself with my skills and passions would probably be far more rewarding, and maybe even potentially more lucrative, if I could make it happen.

So amidst this indecisive muck, two things are clear: that it’s really hard to focus on being successful in both areas at once (not impossible, but requires elite organisational skills and is draining mentally/emotionally/physically), and that as long as I have time outside work I will always have the opportunity to pursue my passions, however slowly. My life seems perfectly balanced in a plus-minus-equals-nothing kind of way and the current result is perfect stasis. If I prioritise one area over the other am I really getting any further overall?

having written that post below it’s hit me that this is absolutely what I need to do. Six months expenses and then leave. I could do so much in six months, and if I’m not earning a living by the end of it I can go back to the agencies and find something along similar lines to what I’ve been doing.

Off to make a budget now!

I’ve been mulling over my options re. work and am toying with the idea of saving up six months’ worth of living expenses and then quitting whatever, which should be possible by the end of this year. At the very least I’m going to stick around until my review, see what they offer me for next year and see what kind of bonus and pay-deal I get, and whether they are going to up the spec of my job at all. The three months’ notice period makes it almost impossible to get a serious job elsewhere before handing in notice here, and if I had six months’ expenses I could spin my funds out for longer by taking odd bits of temp office work in Croydon, which would be pretty convenient seeing as we live on the fringe of the office-zone and most of the big companies are within a ten-minute walk of the flat. If I’m going to be spending my days changing lightbulbs and fixing people’s phones I might as well save myself an hour and a half each day in commuting time.

I have realised, after two years of swearing I’m getting out of here, that my hands are tied by the cunning annual cycle of events here. The three month notice thing really messes everything up. We have our reviews in September and bonuses are paid at the end of October, so the earliest I could respectably give notice is November, which means a finish date in February, slap-bang in the middle of the audit – my boss would really think I hated him! But then if I stay till the end of the audit, at the end of March, that means working the worst three months of the year and quitting just as things are starting to get easier, so I always say I’ll stay on, and then it’s not worth quitting before bonus-time, and then the cycle just starts all over again! Not to mention that the thought of doing the audit again makes me feel slightly sick. I am clearly going to have to step out of the cycle at some point, I definitely need a new challenge if not a complete change of lifestyle.

And all the time my real dreams are getting squashed into this tiny corner of my life. This month at least needs to be decisive in terms of what else I manage to achieve besides slogging away at work. I need to come back at the beginning of July and reassess.

to think of this goal in terms of lifestyle – if I need more time to do the things I love then it makes sense to move to somewhere big enough to do them all, with a shorter commute, and, dare I say it, somewhere suitable for two if this crazy shifting between homes is to be brought to an end. I am putting this decision on ice until at least the end of March, as it’s quite a big one, but it can’t hurt to research options, transport links, gyms etc so that when I move next time I can pick a place more conducive to my lifestyle.

B’s study kit arrived yesterday, which should mean a LOT more time spent together doing our own stuff, and more project time for me without having to drag myself away from his intoxicating presence ;)

Not entirely sure where to post this but here will do!
After the mad hilarity and unexpectedness that was 2008, I was planning on getting my head down in 2009, getting stuck into my projects and plugging away. But as it turns out, January has been one of the maddest, most hilarious and unexpected months yet and I’ve achieved quite a bit too:

• Stretched every day
• Worked out every day and enjoyed watching my body get stronger!

• I got a new photo site up and running
• I got my studio set up and started recording some songs
• Turned up for every choir rehearsal well-prepped and worked hard at learning new material
• I finished 50K words on my second book manuscript
• made 6 new cards (hey it counts!)
• Started learning a new language!

• Completed revising my CV, contemplated resigning, then decided to stay put and see how things lie after March.
• We were given flexitime which has given me a lot more freedom with my daily lifestyle – LOVE IT!!
• I off-loaded some jobs that should never have been mine in the first place
• Got through all my work and am all ready for the audit to start next week, also impressed my boss a few times so that was good!

• Not exactly sure but think I am doing fine here, I transferred some money from savings to pay for some software and most of it was still in my account at the end of the month. Not overly stressing about this but have definitely been better about not buying impulsively.

• Went out with friends every weekend and had some really hilarious and memorable times!
• Got a boyfriend! lol!

• keep up with working out – over the long-term this is going to change my body massively this year
• would be good to lose some weight at last!
• final draft of one of the books by the end of FEB would be good
• see how many songs I can get completed by the end of FEB
• work out printing etc. on new printer
• survive the audit and stay happy at work
• consider moving to a bigger, more convenient flat??

It’s hard to really feel like I’m making progress on all of these goals at once, but with a bit of focus I can start to see individual projects getting completed in sections, and thereby inching slowly forward across the board.

1. work out what I want
2. find out how to make it happen
3. DO IT.

No dawdling, no excuses, no fear.
(Hence the new non-negotiable goals…)

three major things towards this today:

• (re-)structured both book manuscripts and made contents links so I can see what’s going on and keep track of the plots
• finished selecting photos, I had about 300 candidates and have picked my favourite 100
• made a plan (finally) that gets all my major projects to a state of completion (so far as I can see them) by the end of March, so I can actually relax a bit now and not worry about getting everything done right away

I was really tired today and spent some time watching dvds and having a nap, I guess that is the equivalent of burn-out lol! But having cleared some concrete tasks today I will be able to focus on music and art tomorrow :)

found something new and interesting to do on the commute… it’s a secret tho ;)