Revel in my existence

and I’m learning that you can’t have it all everyday – the trick is to appreciate what you do have at any one time (glass-half-full-ism).

Somedays it’s enough just to love and be loved, to be intimate, to be cared for, to let someone get under your skin. This is not something I’ve always had and it may not last forever, and getting dependent on it seems kinda risky, but still. It’s a beautiful thing.

It’s kind of a man-satchel (as in a satchel a man would carry, not a satchel for carrying men ;))

It was one of those purchases where I knew exactly what I wanted and went hunting for it. It’s brown and it’s simple and it matches the new brown leather wallet I bought last week. I loved my old green cloth bag, which I had for almost two years, but (as so often happens towards the end of a bag’s life) it succombed to an exploding biro.

been doing this much recently, more just going through the motions – things have been so busy and there seems to have been so much to worry about. I’ve really fallen into the trap of getting through days, weeks, months and forgetting about all the things that I am and do and enjoy.

Anyway, through a combination of my No Plans _{can I get a TM?} and B’s new study classes, August should be a good opportunity to swing the balance back. I need to take this chance to remember all the things that make my existence remarkable and recommence the revelling (or should that be revelation? ha!) Wouldn’t hurt to think about this a bit in advance and get the most out of the time that’s coming.

I have somehow managed to get locked inside the flat today! Not really sure what to do (the temptation being to go back to bed and hope the lock magically fixes itself!)

Better than being locked outside at any rate…

the first two weeks of September off work. With some disbelief, but still; the form is in!

I have absolutely no idea what I’m going to do with myself, but it has really cheered me up!!

I’ve had 8 days off in the first half of this year, 5 of which were the week we were moving and the rest just odd half-days here and there.

I’ll still have enough for a week and a bit, or a load of long weekends smattered around the place. The second half of this year is no way going to be the same kind of slog the first half has been!

into bright sunshine, leaving a manageable list of things to do tomorrow, and as I started walking through the park I felt the most almost-carefree I have for weeks and weeks and weeks.

I am starting to pull things together at work and can see some results for my efforts after months of treading water, and that’s pleasing. The new guys are nice and I feel less browbeaten even though they have the most demands – one bad experience with the last bunch really dented my self-esteem (and cooperativeness lol) but I’m getting back to where I need to be now. And after next week I’ll rarely have to answer the phone and photocopy invoices and book couriers… Gasp!

I can see the end of the tunnel with the teeth saga. Self-esteem again – I realised today that I have been really missing my smile! One more appointment, and I don’t need to take any more time off work which is strangely calming after all the disruption of the last couple of weeks.

B is working hard and is out of the flat a lot more these days, leaving me free to potter in an unaccountable sort of way! Not that I can’t potter when he’s here, but, well, I’m still getting used to the challenge of not making sure he’s ok every five minutes, so a little time to myself around the flat is really welcome while I’m still adjusting.

And – sad though it is – my break from choir has given me two absolutely free weekends coming up to do nothing but chill and have fun, which should hopefully get me back to kind of where I need to be.

I can’t believe how right it is to suddenly give myself an unlimited run of un-planned days, freedom from commitments and guilt over doing nothing. I totally failed to realise how much I was overdoing it, but now this feels so totally right.

No more nasty exam.
Home.
Freezing cold water.
Giant bed.
Cool sheets.
Cool fan.
Top-level tennis on TV.
Bliss!

an entry here. Can I finish it before I have to get off the train??!

Almost four months into 2009 and… Life is still spinning. Living situation has finally settled down and that is providing me with a massive source of stability while everything is spinning on its head. I am in the crux of a steep and intense relationship learning-curve – we seem to wake up every day in different trajectories in relation to each other, but there is a lotta love keeping us in orbit. My job is changing massively – and even if I stay, my position there will be very different by the end of the year. I am still creating, mostly musically as that’s the nearest thing to hand. I am surrounded by great friends even though I constantly feel deprived of enough quality time to do them justice. And Saturday is going to be a major event that I have been waiting for my whole life and may very well change its entire course. I am clinging to spontaneity and routine with equal force as I’m too overwhelmed to be fully in control and too inspired to be paralysed. I am doing what I can when I can and not expecting all of it to be perfect. It’s mental – gravity keeps shifting and I am doing what I can to stay upright, but falling over a bit and having a good roll on the wonky floor sometimes. That’s where I’m at, at some point I will have to call a halt and get a grip but definitely NOT right now.

what with working Friday and Sunday I feel like I’ve had two starts to my holiday – and both of them have been gloriously sunny spring afternoons! On Friday I finished work just after four, then wandered around a bit past some of the embassies and squares south of Oxford Street, then went back to the station and treated myself to a smoothie on the way home.

Today I got done around three and took a sandwich and a chai latte and sat in the park, which was packed full of people sitting and chatting and playing football and frisbee, and I called my parents to wish them a happy mothers’ day, and find out what they thought about B when they met him (they liked him a LOT!) And lots of other happy things.

It’s so nice to finish work early and have some time to wander around town, and some sunshine to wander around in!

March morning and I was early for work so I got off the bus when I had the urge, and romped in the park for a few minutes, welcoming the sunrise with the grass (dew-resistant walking shoes yeah!), daffodils and horses, and sang as loudly as I could!

It was great. I have so much to be grateful for!