get over my social phobia

But it isn’t healthy. Alcohol makes me more social.

My phobia isn’t any better yet. I’m trying, and I do get out more, but it’s… kind of painful and embarrassing. Painful because I feel dizzy, weak, breathless, and ill around people who make me anxious; embarrassing because it’s obvious how bad I feel; and more painful because it’s so damn embarrassing.

When I was dating Daniel it was getting better; he was so outgoing himself… But now that we’re over, it’s just twice as panicking to be around Daniel or anyone who reminds me of him. Seeing him sends jolts of electricity through me. Not the good kind that energizes and excites you, but the angry sort of electricity that singes your innards and leaves you feeling empty and hopeless.

I’m wondering if maybe it did help to be on the Cymbalta and/or Prozac. It’s like medication made my brain organize itself differently. Not better or worse, just differently. I can see that affecting this stupid panic disorder.

I’ve been medicated so long that I can’t remember clearly, but
I would swear
I’ve just.
been.
getting.
worse.

I’m okay until things move beyond “acquaintance.”
Intimacy makes me want to die.

The Cymbalta hasn’t really affected my anxiety much at all =[.

I drove to McDonalds while I was in town to get french fries, but I had to drive around the block a few times before convincing myself it was alright to use the drive through… But afterwards I ran into an old friend and gave my food to him. I was so shaky seeing him that I could barely speak, and nibbling fries while he was inside buying cigs, I could hardly move my fingers to pick up another… It’s so stupid =[. I doubt anyone would really judge me for eating McDonalds for once. Even if they did, they wouldn’t remember the next day. Ugh.

I was much more relaxed after smoking some ganja with him <__<. That isn't a good solution, though.

Maybe my psych can recommend me something else. I see him in a few days =].

I gave my graduation speech tonight =].

I still had the shakes, and I couldn’t feel my muscles, especially in the face, and I couldn’t keep my voice very even… But I think I did okay.

And I did it without passing out or crying! Yay!

It’s not about the people, really. It isn’t an attempt to please them, an attempt to meet expectations… It’s perfectionism. I have to be perfect. For myself. And I can’t. I strive for the impossible.

I think it may be obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, not social phobia. Or maybe a mix of the two. I don’t know anymore =/.

I suppose I’m getting this one accomplished. I didn’t know anti-depressants were prescribed instead of straight anti-anxiety meds like Xanax now.
Thinking about going to a psych still panics me, yet they already want me to talk in detail about things I can’t even tell my closest friends. Ugh =[.

I’m on 30mg of Cymbalta for now, up to 60mg next week. All it’s done so far is take away my concentration and appetite, sedate me (while also making me restless—let me tell you, that’s one awkward combination), and make me hallucinate. They say the side-effects go away soon…?

I had to testify in court yesterday.
I didn’t have an all-out panic attack! =D
Though I was still jittery and blushing and unable to focus… I probably looked like a tweaker =/.

I’m valedictorian of my class, which means giving a speech in late May. I already know I won’t be able to do this without heavy medication.

So I took a step to help myself. I called my mother up and asked her to set up an appointment with a psychiatrist. I’ve never sought mental help before, much as I know I need it. I just don’t want to disappoint anyone at graduation. I don’t want to get in front of a few hundred judgmental eyes and not be able to think, to breathe, to move, to speak.

I don’t know whether she’ll actually set up an appointment. They are rather expensive, and she’s not the most reliable person. It’s quite possible I’ll skip graduation and shame my class. I did what I could.