beat social anxiety

So i went to a kegger this weekend dressed as a vampire in the most beautiful gown ever that i wore to homecoming and that just happened to fit with the costume perfectly. Im not social Ive just decided to except it dont get me wrong i like people sorta but im just not the overenthusiastic happy-go-lucky type. Its just not me. One after another people would come along and ask me if im having fun as if i needed a smile plastered on my face to make that clear. I tried to get drunk but failed miserably. I useto be social in high school back when i was 15 when i would drink but im 23 now and my brains more tolerant i guess. I watched my old friend from high school go around from person to person group to group chatting and laughing having fun making conversation with everyone and i thought it must just be a natural thing some people got it others like me with S.A.D. dont. And i really envied her how great and freeing it must feel to be open with everyone. I can only talk easily with people i know, friends and family and such. And thats just how i am. It felt so obvious that i was the black sheep at the party I think if i was a guy noone would care being reserved would seem more normal but because im a girl and a seemingly attractive girl it seems obvious that somethings different about me or wrong with me and everyone takes notice suddenly i feel like Lisa, bright and dark. (thats a book by the way.)

I met scott just a week ago but im already keen on this guy. We’ve talked like crazy throughout everyday since and hung out almost everyday. Its so weird the way we connected i had no idea there was someone who lived just a few streets down who I would click with. Hes nothing like the average guys ive known which is awesome. Last night we went to the park and saved a cat from being dinner to two coyotes it was awesome. Im so glad i didnt have to watch nat.geo in person and especially not with a cat. Yesterday he had a day off so we spent the whole day together it was a 14 hour long date. We have yet to find the flaws in eachother. Its great to have a best friend again and maybe something more one of these days. I hope we never get sick of eachother or atleast its not soon.

I posted a strictly platonic ad on CraigsList i had no idea how many responses I would get but i got tons I think a good portion are still guys who want to date me but ohwell I did meet one girl whos really cool and just like me. Its so much easier to talk to people online than in person. So far Ive met one guy in person and we really really hit it off last night we were on the phone for 4 hours straight. And we hung out for 6 hours two nights in a row just talking. Its the most awesome relationship ive had and we have incredible chemistry. Even though i posted a platonic ad im pretty sure ill be dating this guy in no time. Yay for me

Its strange to walk around the college or people watch being aware that i know noone and have no friends but noone would be able to tell be looking at me I dont look like a misfit or blacksheep you cant tell that I am nervous around people. In high school most people thought i was stuck up because i was hardly ever able to talk to people i wasnt acquainted with. I had one best friend and she was friends with everyone. Thats because all of my close friends have been outgoing social butterfly enthusiastic loud mouth motherfuckers because im not capable of starting a conversation with a stranger. My friends usually dont get it because although im really laid back im not shy when it comes to people i already know. And its not something you can just fix or get over i think it takes time.
Its kind of humorous actually but still kind of sad. I have all these online profiles i still havent made one friend, just guys looking to date me. One day ill learn how to talk to people and have social confidence.

Being a loner is pretty sad it feels pretty pathetic
if anyone has any advice id love to hear some.

Its so hard when your in a new environment and you dont know anybody so far in my 3 months in college i still havent made one friend. Even though im friendly i am a pretty quiet person Im not at all the socialite which can be misconstrued as being stuck up or strange. I wish they had a class to help loners like me meet people and develop the skills to be more social i know fresno state has one i sure hope my college starts a program like that its a shame how many people have to suffer when they dont have the natural skills to develop friendships easily