Well, I had forgotten what I wrote in my last entry and have ended up feeling resentful at the lack of effort put in by my brother and particularly my father. Ironically, just today talked to my boyfriend about it and his relationship with his own family and decided that I just need to make the effort that I want them to make and see if that takes. Really need to make an effort to call every two weeks. All four of them.
I’m making a bit of progress on this one. I called my dad and my brother and had good talks with both of them. I have also been thinking about what it would take to improve things with my mum – how I could do it. Not sure I have the answer but I think it is something I need to shift – my attitude, my behaviour, more tolerance or something like that.
I also need to make sure I maintain a relationship with my brother and father while I’m overseas. More emails I guess, maybe some postcards…
I realized some time ago that I only seem to be able to be close to one or two or my family members at a time. For awhile, I thought there was something wrong with me and that I was causing it. That may still be the case, or at least partially, but I also realize that it is probably true of my entire family. No one gets along with everyone. In fact, I`ve probably come the closest. It is a strange dynamic but I suppose it is hard to maintain close relationships with 2 people who aren`t close, especially in a family where back-biting and gossip are the name of the game.
I`d really like to get out of this pattern and by Christmas time, be in a good place with everyone. It`s going to be hard, because it means letting go of petty feelings, trying to stop the gossip, accepting the past, and a whole ton of other difficult things.
I do believe that completing a mindfulness retreat will help with this but there is a lot I can do to get it started. First up – send an email or call everyone I`m not currently close to (which is everyone but my sister).
