date SMARTER

I want to write about coerciveness, or the idea of being coerced, whether it be to smile, hug, or sleep with someone, and the feeling of guilt around saying no, or that one doesn’t have the right to defend oneself. It’s just something on my mind. There’s a certain amount of socialization I learned that I feel played in to some of the patterns I’ve ended up perpetuating in my relationships, and I really want to think about this. And I see some younger girls falling into the same trap and then getting hurt by it, and I see some men capitalizing on it. But I think some of this starts really young for us, or I know it did for me, and it made knowing how to set limits pretty confusing and unclear. And it took getting to the point where I was in a pretty bad state to get to a place where I knew I had to look out for myself, take care of myself, and protect myself like I am gold. It took me a goddam long time to get to that place, too. Anyway, I wish I’d learned it as a kid. I wish I was taught that I didn’t have to hug the creepy guy in the family, that I wasn’t responsible for that person’s feelings. I wish there was someone who had my back and taught me that my gut instincts were true; that if my stomach was in knots around a person there was a very good reason. I think that would’ve saved me a great deal of difficulty later.

I think the world would be a better place if women were taught self defense classes at an early age. Seriously. Imagine the impact that would have? I went to a self defense workshop a couple of months ago, and it was great. We practiced scenarios of invading space and protecting space and it was a great experience for me. We didn’t get to any combat techniques until the very end. What we worked on most was how to pick up verbal and body language cues, and how to respond. How to move away from someone moving too close and how to respond verbally to someone who doesn’t let up. And later on that night I had the opportunity to use one of the techniques; with I., who I’d been putting up with a lot of verbal nonsense throughout the year. Suddenly it was very clear, and within a 15 minute period he was gone, completely! He made one attempt to get in the final word and then was gone, and I didn’t miss him for a minute after that. It was one of the clearest moments I’ve (ever?) had!

So, anyway, I’d like to write more about this at a later date.

as I feel like I have some emotional street cleaning I want to do. It has been an interesting year where the majority of time I’ve been in some kind of dating situation with someone, and finally I am not. I really want to look at things, take a break, get some rest, deal with some old issues. And also, and I don’t know if I can blame myself for it, but want to distance myself from dating because it has been so baffling to me. I wonder why it’s so difficult. Or has been difficult up until now. And the last situation was very baffling. I’d never been deceived before, at least to this extent; literally SNOWED. So, what can you do? I am grateful that it didn’t progress beyond the realm of conversations over dinner and books shared. I am thankful that I got the information I needed to know (that he is married) long before it could’ve been a really, really bad thing to know. I regret the time I spent daydreaming about him, and am keeping his wife in my prayers. I’m amazed that it happened, happened to ME, and glad that I was able to walk away (and that I’m not married to a person like that, and not able to walk away without incurring big expenses).

So, I’m baffled at myself that I was lied to by someone, and that, for the most part, I had no CLUE! So, the moral of this is that there is no moral, or rather, if you meet someone who lies to you and you believe them, it’s not your fault. You might feel like a fool, but you’re not, and it’s really unfortunate for the person who told the lie as they sabotage every relationship they have by being dishonest. And this was someone who I met in a public place (my work) and he and I even knew some people in common, so it wasn’t an online person that I met out of nowhere where it would be easy to create a different identity.

On the up side, I also learned that I liked making a slow go of it, and doing things like reading a book together with someone. So, it would be nice to do this in the future with a completely single, entirely unmarried guy sometime.

As some of you have read, I dated someone briefly for a little bit over a month, and it seems to have completely dissolved. He went away to a yoga retreat and communication really broke down, and when he got back things didn’t go well, and now it seems like he’s not speaking to me. Anyway, I’m curious to write about it using the ‘list’ and see what comes up.

1. Single and available to spend a lot of time with me, lives close by.
No. He lives in another state. I realized that long distance relationships can be possible though, if people have some kind of ‘infrastructure’ to make it work. I talked with a friend who is moving to Japan to be with his girlfriend who he’s been in a ldr with, and he said early on they set ground rules so that they could help the relationship work as well as possible. That’s why I didn’t rule things out when he said he was going back, and one of the reasons why I. and I lasted so long even though he was in China was because we communicated by phone or Skype several times a week.

2. Artistic, creative, imaginative.
Yes. He seemed to be. He is very literary. One of the things we did together was reading ‘the Diving Bell and the Butterfly’ and a Murakami memoir together.

3. Curious, self-educated, knowledgeable.
Yes. We had great conversations, and he was also very complimentary of my knowledge and insights. I enjoyed the flattery!

4. Handsome, strong, healthy.
Yes. He is a good looking yoga instructor. Looks a little like a surfer dude, actually. Not really my type typically, but it suited him.

5. Sexually compatible with me.
I don’t know. We only kissed, and nothing hot and heavy.

6. Humorous, respectful towards me, gentle, accepts me, comfortable to be with, honest.
Humorous, respectful, gentle, comfortable, when things were going well. He was pretty short with me in our last conversation and instead of talking things through, he’s currently being silent. I am not sure about honest. He has three grown kids, but never mentioned them on our dates. I thought that was a little strange. I knew about them because when he gave me his card, I read his bio on his website, and he writes about them on there. And it made me a little nervous that he never mentioned them. Why wouldn’t someone talk about their kids?

7. Spiritually compatible with me, open to personal growth.
I am not sure. He is really into the yoga lifestyle, and I don’t know much about it. We are both Eastern spirituality leaning, but I am also in Alanon, and love the community aspect of it. I think his spiritual path is more solitary.

8. Musical
Yes. He told me he plays guitar and harmonica, and he likes to dance.

9. Likes my cats.
Yes. He loves cats. I’m sure he would love mine.

10. Well-traveled or wants to travel. Curious and knowledgeable about the world.
Yes. He lived in Asia a couple of times.

Anyway, so that’s that cookie. So he had everything going for him, except for his out of stateness, his secretiveness, and his way of dealing with conflict. Also, the fact that he won’t talk to me kind of rules him out.;)

Also, my therapist suggest changing number 6 to ‘relationally compatible’, which would include all the nice things and even more that I forgot to put in, like conflict resolution skills, willingness, openness, honesty, etc. I also think I need to take a break from dating and do a bit of self-examination. Some things came up during this last week or two, and I really want and need the time to take a look at it.

but I think the point of this goal is to learn from my dating experiences so that I can be smarter and smarter each time and know what I prefer. I’m mulling things over. It’s an interesting time for me now. I., who was not a good match for me but was constantly in touch, is gone for good now, and T., who was here briefly, but showed me an example of someone who would be a more ideal person for me, seems to be gone, too. After stopping in at my work after being out of touch for ten days due to a retreat in another state, he has continued to be withdrawn and I haven’t really heard from him since then except to talk briefly and a bit uncomfortably. And, much to my disappointment, I didn’t see him when he was here.

I learned that I really like a person who stays in touch, and is in touch consistently. T.’s behavior really confused me. He communicated really consistently in the beginning, but at his retreat he disappeared, and I was confused why he seemed to lose the ability to communicate even at the end of the retreat, and in the couple of days he was back here. Although when he visited me at work he was very affectionate towards me, he seemed to avoid phone contact with me, and I took it as a decline in interest. Although I don’t think he ‘owed’ me this, by any means, I felt like I was left hanging, not knowing when he’d be back, when we’d see each other again, or if we wouldn’t, and I just think it would’ve been the kind thing to do.

In contrast, although I. was constantly irritating me with his fantasies and ideas, he called me a lot, and let me know if he’d be out of range and when he would be back in range. Somehow we were able to maintain a relationship while he was bicycling for three months through Chinese mountains in this way; by constant contact. Maybe I was spoiled by this. If someone can do this from distant China for three months, someone who is in New Mexico for a much shorter time can probably send me a text message every couple of days. No?

Lesson: Observe the flow of communication. Seek out reciprocity. The first stages of a relationship are important, and it’s best to communicate with kindness and care. When communication breaks down in the beginning, it can impact the most fragile stages, so if the relationship is important to you, stay in touch.

I., my world-traveler, long-distance romance person has apparently disappeared from my life. He ‘unfriended’ me on FB without a word. I feel sad about this because we’d been corresponding since November, and being the tenacious person I’ve understood him as, I was surprised to see this happen. I can understand, though, because I met someone on this side of the Atlantic, and being that I’m not a good man-juggler, I tapered off communication with him to nil, unintentionally. Although he loved the idea of an open relationship, it is probably impossible for me to maintain. Anyway, I thought of the list I recently put together as a therapy exercise which was incredibly eye-opening, and despite my sadness to see him go, I see how he is/was mostly unsuitable for me.

1. Single and available to spend a lot of time with me, lives close by.
Single, yes, but he’s been in Germany, and although he’s coming back to Chicago for about a month in September, he’ll then go to Puerto Rico, and then Japan for several months.

2. Artistic, creative, imaginative.
I don’t really see this in him, although his letters were often beautifully written and erotic.

3. Curious, self-educated, knowledgeable.
Yes, very. Mostly about public radio shows, non-fiction subjects.

4. Handsome, strong, healthy.
Yes, to all three, although he had a pretty poor diet due to his sweet tooth.

5. Sexually compatible with me.
Yes.

6. Humorous, respectful towards me, gentle, accepts me, comfortable to be with, honest.
None of these, except for honest, and brutally so.

7. Spiritually compatible with me, open to personal growth.
No. He often talked about his apprehension about all of the ‘hocus pocus’ stuff that I’m into..astrology, i ching, etc.

8. Musical
No, and although I told him that I sing and play guitar, he seemed to forget and asked me a couple of weeks ago if I am musical at all.

9. Likes my cats.
No. He was also apprehensive that I have two cats, and brought it up quite a few times.

10. Well-traveled or wants to travel. Curious and knowledgeable about the world.
Yes.

So, that’s how the cookie crumbles. I can see now why there are crumbs everywhere. Anyway, I will miss him a lot, I think, but think it’s better to let it go, let him go.

So very frustrated. I met someone nice, gentle, literary, sexy, intelligent, strong, likes cats, etc., etc. and after I finally went out with him, it turns out he’s leaving town most likely permanently. I feel really MAD. The silver lining in all this is that it’s an opportunity to practice my EFT homework. He and I left it that we would try to make it work despite the long distance, but the truth is, I don’t want another long distance relationship! I want someone here! Pardon my tantrum, but I am so frustrated tonight. The other silver lining is that his home is in N. Michigan, and I’m homesick for that part of the state, but it’s six hours away! Waah! (Going to do some EFT now.)

My current therapist suggested that I make a list of ten things (with single and available) at the top of it, and that this would make it easier to choose the right kind of person for me. Here it is:

1. Single and available to spend a lot of time with me, lives close by.

2. Artistic, creative, imaginative.

3. Curious, self-educated, knowledgeable.

4. Handsome, strong, healthy.

5. Sexually compatible with me.

6. Humorous, respectful towards me, gentle, accepts me, comfortable to be with, honest.

7. Spiritually compatible with me, open to personal growth.

8. Musical

9. Likes my cats.

10. Well-traveled or wants to travel. Curious and knowledgeable about the world.

I changed it a little yesterday. I met someone who was all of these things, but then told me after a few dates that he would be spending more time in Michigan than Chicago, so we would likely have to spend more time in cyberspace with each other, and I realized after having already a lot of LDR practice, that I really want to be with someone in the same town. So ‘single and available’ turned into ‘single and available to spend a lot of time with me. Lives nearby.’

from Harville Hendrix, these days. I really love his books! And I’ve been trying a conversational technique called ‘mirroring’ that has been helping me in conversations when I start to feel defensive. What I would usually do:

‘You are obsessed with your cats.’
Me: ‘No I’m not!’
‘Yes you are.’
Me: ‘No I’m not!’ (We start to argue.)

With mirroring technique:

‘You are obsessed with your cats.’
Me: ‘You think I’m obsessed with my cats. Why do you think that?’
‘Yeah, you’re always petting them and talking about them.’
Me: ‘You think I spend a lot of time with and thinking about them?’
‘Yeah. I’m not used to that.’
Me: ‘You’re not used to someone who has cats.’
‘Yeah, I guess it takes some getting used to. So anyway…(changing subject to something more neutral).’

I’ve been using this in a couple of instances where the subject seems like it could become controversial, and it’s served to really diffuse the conversation and help it flow along in a more harmonious way. The point of the mirroring is that the person with the ‘issue’ feels listened to and that’s what the person is looking for. It’s been helpful for me because it helps me have a bit of a breather when I feel caught off guard or defensive by something someone has said. I can just repeat back what they’ve said until I’ve had a moment to talk to them about my perception of things, and by that point it’s more of a conversation than a confrontation.

was ‘easy does it’. Basically I don’t need to commit until it seems like the right time, and I’m still getting to know someone new. It doesn’t need to be set in concrete just yet, if ever. He’s lovely, cute, and sweet, and seems like he could potentially be devoted to me, but there are some caveats at this time. At this time, although he has a pretty large family, he is the primary caretaker of his very ill, elderly father. And because his father is a fairly unpleasant person, he doesn’t feel comfortable bringing me to his home. And spending the night at my place is something that, at this time, would be very few and far between, because he can’t leave his home at night. He almost came over last night (it had been planned for almost a week), but his sister decided to go to midnight mass, so he had to stay home at the last minute. I found myself to be disappointed, and realized after awhile, that I’m free to see him casually until something changes, and if it doesn’t, I still have the rest of my life, and it won’t be the end of the world.

The other caveat is that he works weekend nights. So, in a nutshell, he’s very limited in his time, and has very important obligations, and he and I get together a lot in the mornings. And I’m free, not committed, and have lots to do.

despite all of the ways to get in touch with a person, phone, email, text-messaging, I relish the times that I’m inaccessible (or really just focused on something else). I don’t find it necessary to respond right away, and don’t generally take it personally when the person doesn’t respond right away. Regarding text-messaging, I prefer it for necessary messages (‘running late!’, ‘at so and so’s, will call later’, ‘read my email’, etc), but don’t really like it as a mode of conversation, and feel odd if someone asks me something personal that way. I don’t know why, but when I text-message lengthy conversations with someone, I feel 14 again, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it’s just not my current age. It makes me nervous. I feel tethered to my phone. Ten years ago, I didn’t even own a cell phone, and had no inkling of what it would be like to feel like it was a tether. Anyway, just my adorably curmudgeonly thoughts on text-messaging.