decide what the hell I would like to do with the rest of my life

I’m indecisive, and it’s poisioning my life. I sit here, hoping to find that spark, that something that will awaken a fire deep within my soul, something that will make me jump up and say, “YES! THIS is what I want to do!”.


I’ve tried computer science. I enjoy it, but I don’t want it to be my career. I’m learning Japanese. I enjoy it, but what practical use in the states can it be put to use to, where I can still live wherever I want? I enjoy playing with children, but I don’t want to be around them all the time (I don’t even want some of my own).


This semester I’m going to see if I can get into some tech theatre classes. I’ve always loved the stage, and watching RENT has reminded me of this. I’ll continue Japanese, maybe even pick up another language.


Other than this, I don’t know what to do. I’m floating on in this life, and I want something other than my husband to be my rock. I want to be strong enough on my own. I want to stand and be proud of what I’m doing and enjoy what I do.


Here’s to searching…

I now have made a decision:

I do not want to work in retail for the rest of my life.

I do not want to be like my coworkers: mid 30’s to early 40’s making $8.00 an hour shuffling clothes and being at a customer’s beck-and-call 8 hours a day, 5 days a week with unpaied overtime hours and little in the way of benifits.

This is something I want out of as soon as possible.

While I may not be any more close to finding what I do want to do with my life, I have found one thing I do not want to do, which in itself is a step forward.

I feel like I’m wasting my time and my money in college taking classes that might not even apply to whatever it is that I want to do with my life. Why am I taking classes when I don’t know what it is that I want to do? Taking classes is a means to get where you’re going, not to waste time…