Embrace & explore Love

is not to seek love, but merely to seek & find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

- Rumi

I’ve felt more resistance to relationships again, which is sad thinking about how much progress I was making for a while. I need to do something about it. No excuses, take a plunge, be bold. I must remind myself that my goal is to embrace and explore love, I am supposed to disregard earlier experiences and just live, love and see what happens. I don’t know what I really want and that’s ok for now – it is actually a great freedom. The important thing is to stay true to my values, listen to my heart and be open for love. Fear, stay away from me. I don’t need you any longer, you are restricting me too much.

“Come out of the circle of time, and into the circle of love.”
- Rumi

Grab your ticket and your suitcase
Thunder’s rolling down the tracks
You don’t know where you’re goin’
But you know you won’t be back
Darlin’ if you’re weary
Lay your head upon my chest
We’ll take what we can carry
And we’ll leave the rest

Big Wheels rolling through fields
Where sunlight streams
Meet me in a land of hope and dreams

I will provide for you
And I’ll stand by your side
You’ll need a good companion for
This part of the ride
Leave behind your sorrows
Let this day be the last
Tomorrow there’ll be sunshine
And all this darkness past

Big wheels roll through fields
Where sunlight streams
Meet me in a land of hope and dreams

(by Bruce Springsteen)

I’ve done so much thinking lately about love & relationships that it’s almost made me feel a bit dizzy : ) However, I think I’ve gained some new important insights and I feel much more hopeful about the future. Sometimes you make such great discoveries that it changes your whole mindset. It just happened to me and though I can’t be sure where it will lead me and what it eventually will mean, it feels important to explore it. I could write something much more personal about it, but I don’t feel like doing it at the moment – perhaps later on.

There is still a resistance in me that wants to cling to my old way of thinking and reacting, but I keep reminding myself that I don’t necessarily have to change if I don’t want to. I can explore things and then evaluate them and possibly decide that I want to go back to having the same mindset as before. Or I could just make some small adjustments if that feels like the right thing to do. I am telling myself this so I will feel safer because sometimes change is very frightening. If I change in important ways, who will I then be? Will I even like myself and feel comfortable with the new me? I am pretty fond of the old me, even if it harbours an awful lot of flaws.

I’ve been struggling with this goal, because I chose it too hastily when I first compiled my list here. Even if it is something everyone wants to experience, it is not a very workable goal. You can’t do much more than try to meet new people in order to achieve it. And the thing is, I don’t easily fall in love either.

As it is now I mostly feel stressed by having this on my list. In my darkest moments I have considered to totally give it up. But I have succeeded in convincing myself that there should be love out there for me too. I need to approach this from a new angle though, I want to see things with fresh eyes and avoid conventional traps. I need to find a more positive attitude to love, and I need to figure out what I really want, what is best for me?

So I think the new year will be pretty much about starting from scratch, exploring, being courageous and following my heart. I have no idea of where this is going to take me, but it feels like a good intention. Of course I will still carry with me the memories from past relationships and the experiences tied to them, but I won’t let them affect me too much or drag me down. I’m making a fresh start now. My new goal will be to “embrace & explore Love”.