meditate daily

Yesterday was my first duty as doan. In the Zen tradition, the doan is the person responsible for sounding the bells during the sevice. In our morning zazen group, the doan also readies the room, sets up the altar, leads the chanting, and assigns everyone clean up tasks.

It went pretty well. I need to work on sounding the bell. It takes some practice to judge just how hard to strike it to get that mellow ringing sound.

The woman next to me really liked my chanting voice. That was flattering. My three years of singing lessons and seven years of choral singing experience weren’t entirely wasted.

I’m always telling myself “I must do this” or “I must not do that.” If I’m not careful, those musts turn into automatic, unconscious thinking and behavior.

“Must” thinking disguises the fact that I have a choice. There are no musts, only choices.

Of course, it’s no good thinking “I must avoid all musts.” That’s a must too. I’ll just try to be aware of when I’m ordering myself around.

Zen makes a distinction between “thinking,” “not-thinking,” and “without-thinking.”

We all know what thinking is.

Not-thinking is trying not to think—still an intentional act very similar to thinking.

Without-thinking is the state of having no thought without trying not to think. It’s pure awareness without thought.

How can we reach this state without trying? According to this web page we “release ourselves from action-taking.” Don’t suppress your thoughts (that’s not-thinking), just don’t do anything about them. Release control. Simple awareness is all.

I had a good meditation session recently. I really relaxed, and after a while found I was able to let go of the need to judge my thoughts. It was a very accepting state of mind. Everything and everyone I thought about were fine, just the way they were.

It felt like I was perceiving in a different way. I experienced my thoughts as a long string of ideas floating through my mind, like I was an uninvolved observer. I was aware of my thoughts as thoughts instead of as realities.

Is this change of perception the true source of love (spiritual love)? It feels like it is because giving to others and to oneself seems so natural in this state of mind. There’s no sense of fear, but rather a great sense of expansiveness and safety. Instead of struggling with and against my thoughts, maybe I need to work on perceiving them correctly, and all the rest will follow.

It’s too hard to get out of bed in the morning and sit on the floor cross-legged. I’m too sleepy, and it’s cold out there. Who’s counting, anyway?

Mondays and Thursdays from 7 to 7:40 a.m. at the zen center. Every time I do it, I realize how much I enjoy it. It’s very relaxing—not just to the body but to the mind as well. I’m not very successful at waking up the rest of the week, however.