stop being afraid

At Steubenville I faced some fears, I guess. Fears of being judged. That whole weekend, I decided to not care. If I want to kneel, I will kneel. If I want to raise up my arms, I will raise up my arms. If I want to rock my face off, you’re damn sure I will.
And it was freaking awesome.
It was so empowering to not care. To be myself. And to be accepted that way. To be loved, just as I am. It was amazing.
On the bus ride home, I stood up at the front of the bus, a bus filled with 50 people, some friends, some strangers, but all of us, we were one. I stood up there, took a microphone, and I talked about myself and my experience. I told all those people, even the people I was most afraid of, how I felt. I did it. It was amazing. The best part was probley at the end, when Graziella was talking about how some of us were making her tear up, and someone that happens to matter a lot to me turned around and pointed at me and said to me “That was you, for me.”. The person said I did awesome. And I know I did. It was a great feeling, to not need reassurance from others for once, but still getting it. It just shows how loving and amazing all those people are.

I’ve realized over the past few days that fear is more then superficial stuff with guys. Sure, I have been afraid with that kind of thing, but my fears run deeper then that. Fear of inadequacy (sp?), fear of failing, fear of not being enough. And this is all me putting the expectations on myself. I got a package the other day, from my IB councelor. It has this whole math package and summer reading list that’s specialized for IB kids. I just looked at it and thought “There’s no way in hell I can do this” and “How the hell have I gotten myself into this?”. I feel like I won’t be able to do it. I won’t be able to do IB. But I know I’ll force myself to do it. Because in the end, it’s all my future. That what it seems like everything is for. I’m willing to sacrafice my right now for my future. And I don’t know if that’s right or not. Well, I know it’s not right, but I guess I’m sort of in denial about it. I don’t know what else I can do. I’m just really realizing that this is my last time to be a kid. After this summer, it’s all gone. And I really wish I could go back to the times when none of this mattered. When all I needed was my best friend, and we would figure out whatever. But now that kid that I was is gone, and that best friend is gone, too. And it’s just kinda alone. And I’m scared. Scared of the future, scared of moving on, scared of not being happy, scared of not being enough for myself. And it’s all so freaking confusing.

I wasn’t afraid today. I asked Ethan to prom. And he said yes, of course. We argued about it, though, mostly because I call it Grad and he calls it prom and we went on about that for a while, until I was like “You still haven’t answered me!”. So he said he would only go if I said “Ethan is the coolest person in the world”. So I said it. And he said “Sure”.
And I wasn’t afraid.

It’s hard not to be afraid. It really really is. I don’t know if I so much not want to be afraid, or if it is more that I want to overcome the fear.
An example, even if it is slightly juvenille, is a month ago at the school dance. I never dance with the guys, because I tend to be the “just friends” girl, but this time I decided I was not going to wait around. So I asked Kyle to dance. And we danced. It was the silliest thing ever, we were dancing to ‘Incomplete’ and singing the words as loud as we could, and just being big goofs. But it was SO fun, and I am so glad I asked him.
Buuuuuut last night was another dance. And I decided I didn’t want to wait around again, so I decided I was going to ask Lucas. Lucas was being an idiot, as usual, and I walked up to him and I was like “Lucas! Do you want to…” and he turned away from me. I think it was just that he didn’t hear me, but I didn’t even bother to go after him because I was really scared. Because Lucas and Kyle are totally different guys, and maybe I put myself too far out with Lucas. He’s just my dickface friend that types up my science notes for me :). I am kind of disappointed in myself that I didn’t go after him, but I am OK with it too, because I didn’t know what else to do other then walk away from it. And maybe if I had gone after him, things would’ve gotten worse.
So, as is, I still have some work to do. But it’s getting better with everyday, everytime I speak up, everytime I don’t take someone else’s BS, everytime I just be ME!