drink responsibly

I’m going to close this goal for now, because drinking doesn’t feel like an issue at all these days. I haven’t had any urge to indulge, and the couple times I have chosen to partake, I’ve kept it to just one – not because I’m consciously self-limiting, but because my body simply doesn’t want any more. Even the thought of ever being drunk again turns me off. Don’t know how it happened, but it sure feels like I’ve turned a corner.

_{Dave, I may be back so if you stick around, hold my place, k?? :o)}

My Mom paid her final mortgage payment yesterday … her FINAL PAYMENT! HOW MOMENTOUS? ! ? ! ? ! ? I am immensely proud of her – she has worked harder than anyone I have ever known – literally. She has sacrificed so much, taken risks with courage, and remained determined in the face of many missteps and misfortunes. I truly feel there is no one more worthy of the reward of (relative) freedom that she has just achieved. Obviously, a grand celebration for our family. And celebrate we did! We went to our favorite fancy schmancy restaurant last night and ordered to excess – pan-seared calamari, crisp tamari chicken wontons, tempura sushi rolls, two bottles of wine, the finest gourmet entrees, special coffees, and liqueurs. We eventually had to pour my cute’n’tippy Mom out of the restaurant, she celebrated so … effectively. But me? I am proud to report that I had two glasses of wine over almost four hours, and nothing more to drink. I was able to drive myself home, and had the good sense to not have a hang over this morning.

THAT is what I mean by drink responsibly.

We have a party to go to on Saturday night, and I’m a bit nervous. I haven’t had a drink in five days, and while I’m not trying to quit drinking or anything, I feel really good about this period of abstinence. It has been effortless – I just pull ginger ale out of the fridge instead of wine. I’m saving money, calories and sleep. I think my anxiety is a lot better too. So, when M said this morning that he wants to get “silly drunk” at this party on Saturday night, I suggested that I’ll probably drive myself so I can come home when I’m tired. He instantly got exasperated and said “oh here we go again!”, as though I was doing something wrong. I replied (as calmly as possible) with “how does my choice affect your own? If anything, I’m respecting YOUR choices by making sure I have a ride home when I need it – this way you can stay and party all night long if you want to, without my nagging you to take me home”. He reluctantly acknowledged it, and then said that we never see other couples (Perc – you & Mr. P came up) leaving in separate cars. Yeah, well most couples have kids or dogs to get home to. We’re the only ones who insist on staying out ‘til the wee hours, drinking the well dry. Again, a reluctant acknowledgment. Then I explained that with my anxiety attacks and post-alcohol depression, it simply isn’t worth it for me to party like that any more. He said he could understand that, but still, he sounded disappointed in me.

Do I really need this kind of “support” when I’m already struggling to clean up my life? Is there a benefit to having to argue for my right to decide when enough is enough? Maybe there is – maybe my having to defend my reasons for drinking responsibly is good practice for when my will weakens and I have to talk myself back into healthy choices. Yes, that’s a good positive way to spin it.

Still though, I think I’d rather have someone backing me up and cheering my efforts.

Why would my mom demonstrate such care and concern when I cry to her about my alcohol-exacerbated anxiety attacks, weight gain and my depressing lack of self-discipline when it comes to alcohol and food (ESPECIALLY when I mix the two), and then turn around and buy a bottle of white wine for me? What would drive somebody to so blatantly undermine the efforts of a loved one? Any ideas?

Is it possible that I’m FINALLY getting the message from my body that it does NOT want to ingest alcohol?? Another horrid night of anxiety and breathlessness last night, starting around 3:30ish, after a night of excess at the ball park. Ugh. Wish I could have a do-over. Terrible night, terrible morning. I’m so disappointed in myself for drinking too much, and I’m sad to have to admit that A) I have what is probably a mild anxiety disorder, and B) it is particularly exacerbated by alcohol.

Don’t even know how to begin dealing with this.

As much as I miss the warm laziness of a nice glass of wine with dinner (and at least one while it cooks, and at least another after dinner…), I am so glad to be handling things again. Moreover, I’m delighted to be conscious enough to listen to myself again!

I’m not ready or willing to make this goal into a firm “quit”, because I like the warmth and calm that comes after about the fourth sip from a glass of succulent wine. I like standing around the kitchen, tasting new martini recipes with M & S & A on Survivor nights, waiting for dinner to cook and the show to start. I like the familiar clink of ice cubes in a tumbler and the crispness and sparkle of a vodka and soda with lime.

But for now, I am not drinking. I haven’t set any rules or target dates… I’m just drying out for today, and will get up tomorrow with the same intention.

I’ve had nothing alcoholic since Friday, making today day four. I would like to claim to feel better, but I’ve had (mild) headaches every day since! Probably just a little bodily detox so I’m trying to let the headaches just run their course rather than medicating.

Thoughts about addiction and avoidance dominate these days. How did I ever get here? I’m not too sad about it (well, a little sad), mostly just kind of surprised and mystified. When did I start down this road? How come I didn’t notice I was on it til now?

Oh, and good news: I told M in a very ‘matter-of-light-and-airy-fact’ kinda way that I’m not drinking now, and he seemed not only fine with it, but actually supportive. I think my night time alcohol-induced anxiety attacks have kept us both up so often that he is as eager as me to leave them behind. Phew!

for this weekend to be over. Which is a real shame, because it’s SUPPOSED to be fun. And in one way, it is – the concerts have been awesome (we’ve seen 8 out of the 12 bands so far – the remaining four this aft/evening). There’s a lot of pressure from M & his sis & BIL for me to drink and party – today, for example, they all decided that we’re getting together for margaritas – at 12:30!!! That means that at the very LEAST, we’ll be drinking for 11 hours (concerts run from 4:30 to 11:30) – AND they’re all planning to “really do it up” tonight and even go out to the bars after we drink all night at the park. Ugh. I’m not enjoying it – I dread the backlash I’ll face when I tell M that I probably won’t have much steam left after the concert – I can already hear his rant.

As much as I’m trying to have fun, it’s just too imbalanced – this whole weekend is all about debauchery, and to be honest, it’s old and boring now. I wonder if M & I will be able to relate when I stop drinking (which, by the way, begins tomorrow). Today it feels like we’d crumble as a couple if I stopped partying. Not that I should keep drinking just to keep a rel’p together, but I can already anticipate the flack I’ll face – best to prepare myself.

I feel anxious about the pressure he’s going to exert, and a bit angry at him for not supporting me in the decisions I make for myself. But they are my decisions to make – FOR MY OWN GOOD and I don’t have to explain or defend them to him or anyone else. Right? Right!

Okay, so I’ll write off this day too; enjoy the concert (and probably the first one or two margs), and claim tomorrow for more varied activities. I’ll make the very best of today that I can, and make tomorrow MY day – my day to set my own pace, enjoy my own interests, and find my own centre. Oo, I can hardly wait!

Had me a bunch of drinks again last night, which led to a sleepy morning, which led to my not doing my sun salutations OR a meditation yet today. I DID do my morning pages, which I’m glad of, but I also picked up a McBreakfast on the way to work to help soak up the hangover. Holy crap I piss myself off.

One of my oldest & dearest friends and I went out for a drive on Tuesday night, and out of no where – NO WHERE – I mentioned to her that I’m wondering if I’m a “problem drinker” – and you know what she said? She said “I’m not surprised we’re having this conversation”. Hm.

I’ll say no more on this today, just that I’m mulling it over and doing a little research.

And the words “alcoholic” and “sobriety” both give me the willies.