finish my dissertation proposal

As an ex-whitewater river guide, River has taught me many things, possibly even more once I stopped guiding. So this is one of my main metaphors for this project. And I have some things lined up, like meds (!), time, and almost a bit of clarity. Drop me in the river dammit, because I know how to navigate and survive WITH holding on to a sense of wonder and awe while I’m in it.

Now (here comes Mr. Excuse) if only this neuropsych testing report would go away so I could just focus on this proposal…hard to cook and run a river, so having two big things at once is a reasonable cough excuse.

But I’m all for nudging others if in fact I can get nudged, too! Let’s have substantial (all??) portions of our proposals done by Monday, August 31, 2009. I’m done with my Internship on Friday, August 28, so I’m allotting a day or so to party and recover. It’s the least I can do after being torn about this year.

By the way, I also do not know what the final form will look like either. Qualitative is the direction I’m leaning, but if I can do a quantitative project, that would be cool, too. I haven’t done one full-bore before, and I’d like the experience. Of course, the best dissertation is a DONE dissertation, and I also have the option of doing a program design/evaluation that would line up what I would do with data, but by proposing a program, I don’t have to actually carry it out. A bit more work on the front end (proposal) but a great project nonetheless, and it might be something I can actually implement (like my own little business plan).

Ok, start paddling. “All ahead!”

Wow, that’s a great thing to mention. The past month has been filled with what really amounts to is hopelessness. So I think hope is relevant here.

I just had an image that might help just a bit. Imagine clicking “I’m Done” next to this goal on some random 43things.com website. Wow would that be sweet!

Of course, I have a fellow pre-doc intern who’s defending today and will be all done. Doesn’t do much for feeling good about how “far behind” I am, but she and I have much different life circumstances. Nonetheless, I want . . . this . . . done.

I changed topics again, but back to one that I, for no apparent reason, let go earlier in my program. Just sent an outline to my Chair, so we’ll see what the first reaction will be. Regardless, I’ve got to just write the damn thing now.

Write it, dude. Time to write, type, put it down.

The gaps in my ideas finally were filled. Now there’s been a flood of ideas and connections! I think things are finally moving on the right path. It feels really fantastic, and now all I want to do is write write write at the expense of all else. Tons of motivation, clarity, and wanting to get this damn thing done.

Here’s what I wrote that late late night after writing (ok, typing) down all the solutions and connections.

Soulcraft, Rumi, and Dissertations

I never fell asleep. Maybe it was the Ladysmith Black Mambazo playing in the background of our room, something to help me sleep. Maybe it was that shot or three of flat Mountain Dew I pounded just before heading to bed (why was that here? I so rarely drink soda now) keeping me up. There are at least a dozen other associations that come to mind.

But I think I just found what I needed to move forward with my dissertation proposal. And I woke up. Right to the laptop and type type type. Head to bed? Well, let’s pull this one book out to put some form to this line of thought. “Soulcraft” by Bill Plotkin. I know it well. Contents.

And what is before me on the page, at 1:12am after getting out of bed on this Tuesday night now Wednesday, discovering the missing links that seemed to keep my project from moving forward, from keeping me from carrying out my vision “on this side of the trees,” from completing this fairly insane process?

The same quote that my wife painted on our bedroom wall in NH while I was away in NM on a Vision Quest. Rumi:

“The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don’t go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
Don’t go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across the doorsill
Where the two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.
Don’t go back to sleep.”

So I got off the phone with a librarian in my program this evening…feeling more confused about my current ideas and like I should really just start something I’m much more into…even if it takes longer.

But more later. Just venting at this point. It’s motivation to post though…