visit my fathers grave

I may do this today. Maybe. I need to decide if that’s a smart thing to do before I go to work. I talked about getting flowers for memorial day, but dad always thought that was a waste of money. I think I’ll write some thoughts and go there to say some prayers, not that that site brings me closer, but I think my mind will be still in that place.

I am putting together a cd for an event at church that I am putting together for mothers day and I put butterfly kisses on it, I thought back to the day my dad gave this song on cd to me and as I drove to work listening to the cd to make sure it was burnt correctly tears streamed down.

I sat and looked through the “in sympathy” cards to us when dad died, people try so hard to write something meaningful and caring, you could tell that they didn’t really know what to put, so just wrote some cliche saying about life and getting through the hard times and being there for us. It’s funny because I don’t feel like alot of people where really there for us. After the initial year when the shock wears off and the day in and day out reality that he’s gone, that life has forever changed, life is silent. But thank God for The Hope.

As I received news of a friend’s passing. A father to a young son nearly my own daughter’s age, a husband to a kind gentle wife, I thought about the fortune I was given to have a father for so many more years and wept for this little boy. How often we feel our pain so deep that we forget our fortune. Both men bask in the light of God’s array, and for that I am thankful.

When you first passed away it was unreal, like those who talk about walking in a fog, all misty and eary, but not now. Christmas is coming soon, there are presents wrapped under the tree, I saw a few things that I thought would have been perfect for you, but mom was with so I kept quiet. I think of you often, think of me too.

As I was working on cleaning my photo studio my mother received a phone call from my Uncle, his wife has cancer and has now spread to her Liver, she’s young and has so much ahead of her, her son is 17 years old, there’s graduation, marriage, grandbabies, so much. Mom’s voice was low, sad and monotone. I worked while listening to the conversation. “I don’t think I’ll ever be happy”, what a thought to hear that said.

Nope didn’t do it yet, the 3rd was dad’s birthday, hard to believe it’s been over two years. Dad shared his birthday with my grandfather, who died shortly after dad. Sometimes in my own sorrow, I forget that mom lost her dad and her husband so close together and now her mom is dying.

Hard to believe he has been gone for two years this month. I miss him so much, and it’s even harder when life is strolling along and my mom looks over at me and says, I miss Ron. Breaks my heart to feel her sadness. Time does help, but not because it makes it easier, just because we are all so good at filling up our lives. Then in an instant you thoughts can be brought back to the very day.