avoid avoiding, face fear of failing, and commit to my best efforts and actions in the face of anything I fear

Things that I really wanted to do associated with this goal: to get a new job and to start meeting new people with the goal of eventually finding a relationship. I am so afraid of both of these things, so comfortable with the current state-I want these two things so badly, but I am so afraid of letting go of the status quo. It’s so easy to say this is what I want, or I’m going to try for these new things, but it’s incredibly hard to actually take the risk. What’s the risk? What, in actuality, is at risk here? Failure. Success. Initial success and eventual failure. What is failure? To not meet my own expectations, which are pretty high. To drop the ball right in the middle because I can’t deal. To act in a freaky, irresponsible, unacceptable way. What is success? Making the effort and never stopping, which I hardly ever do. I hardly make the sustained effort for anything, which has led to general dissatisfaction with my life. This is at the heart of seeing through any of my goals-sustained effort. That’s what each new day is for though, I suppose. I am going to be thirty in another few months. I really don’t want to look at the entirety of my life and say that it was a lifetime of no effort, that’s too depressing for words. If that’s true, then, no matter what, I have to keep on trying. To what effect? What’s the end goal? Better to see what doing will lead to than the other way around. Waiting without action leads to nothing, not even a dead end. It’s just absolutely nothing. How do you change a lifetime so far? How do you completely change everything you don’t like about yourself? Sustained effort. Even if it’s tiresome and thankless and doesn’t seem to work and it seems like no progress is being made. I have to have the desire and I have to make notable, tangible changes. I can do it. I can do it if I keep trying. That’s what a new habit is. Thirty days of new habits.

I had a serious delving into my avoidence patterns last night at 4am and realize this is a big one-one of the most important patterns to shape the last 10 years of my life. No more-my eyes are on this one, and I don’t want to waste any more time.